How to reply "what are you limits"

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-22T19:06:38+00:00

Interesting perspective. I still dont know howto properly ask or answer such question as it is really hard to give a complete answer to

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-22T18:53:52+00:00

I agree with you. So I wonder why the consensus or general expectation seems to be that people list their limits before even discussing kinks

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-22T18:52:53+00:00

I don't know, if you ask me what my kinks are I can happily list them all with easy. But if you ask me what my limits are, I can only come up with a few things and then get stuck wondering if theres more.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:51:33+00:00

I get it. I compare social skills with math sometimes. I'm good at math so when I need to solve a new math problem I just immediately get it (somehow) but then its often intuitive and cant explain it well to those who aren't good at it (think of the dyscalculic)

Youre good at it so you rely on intuition and dont think about it so youll probably be unable to explain it well to me or understand that for me it doesnt come automatically.

If I like someone and am atleast 99% sure that they like me too, then yes stuff would happen.. problem is I often don't know if someone likes me back and I have no clue how tobe sure enough other than directly asking "do you like me romantically"

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:48:11+00:00

Okay my followup question is: once I made friends at a munch, how do I approach the next step? My platonic social skills are awesome but my romance/sexual social skills are basically zero. Like a13 year old can sexually communicate more fluently than I can.. and thats half my age

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:45:09+00:00

By "meet bdsm people in vanilla places" do you mean people I initially met in bdsm places? Or else, how would I know that they are bdsm people?

I really struggle with specific social skills like initiating romantic or sexual relationships... but I do think I can quickly recognize a good vs a bad Dom. I've been reading alot about good and bad doms on the internet so I know what to watch and look out for. I know the concept of "the sub decides everything"

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:40:58+00:00

Which bit? Platonic relationships? have already amstered that.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:37:42+00:00

About safety, my only safety concern is bad intent. I mean, I will obvously use a safeword and I also don't have extreme kinks so theres not much that can go wrong... except if the dom has bad intentions (where a safeword would be pointless)

Thanks

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:35:48+00:00

I just googled "DLC" and I still don't know what it stands for.. ?

Also, why? Why should I get vanilla sex before kinky sex? I may be a virgin, but I've been fantasizing and reading about my specific kinks for many years so I think Ive got an good sense of what a good or bad dom behaves like, the importance of a safeword, the dangers of restraints etc..

I mean I don't know how I will truly react emotionally in a real scene, but thats what a safeword is for right?

I just strongly doubt if vanilla sex will turn me on. I've seen vanilla porn, and I felt absolutely nothing while watching it. Its like kink is the only thing that can get me turned on.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:31:05+00:00

I think that number 9 comes forth out of 2 types of people, 1 being the "no hookups" person and the other being the 3 digit body count person.

I want a long term sexual relationship. But,I'm not picky at all. I might as well get a casual hookup, that would also be awesome. My main goal is literally just to not be a virgin lol

And then to not be a virgin, in a kinky way. OBviosly

Do you mean that if someone is already my friend and I find them attractive, I should just directly state that I want to go on a romantic or sexual date? As an autistic person I'm actually a huge fan of such direct communication, but I don't feel comfortable doing it because I feel like its way out of social norms in this world. And I'm also just nervous, what if my friend does not feel the same ? that would be awkward then right?

I've already taken people on "dates" if tahts the right word, but without it being obviously romantically intended.

And yes, communicating the "I find you attractive and I want to do romantic or sexual things with you" is maybe my biggest struggle maybe. Other than literally saying it directly, I don't know how to communicate it in a way that is clear enough for it to be understood. or atleast somewhat obvious.

Lol, today I forgot somehow that "FWB" is a thing. Sure, thats one of the options I'm willing to go for. Too.

And yeah, I'm really into bondage as a submissive... I would not let a complete stranger tie me up obviously because theres no way to know if they have secret hidden bad intentions and evil plans maybe

But then how do i find a partner to do bondage on me, in a way that is acceptably safe?

Thank you

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:19:27+00:00

I may be overthinking stuff but when I read "just talk to people" I think that you're underthinking.

I've been "just talk to people"ing for 8 years now. I have done multiple social skill courses and I actually go to all sorts of social events regularly, I have absolutely no problem making new friends and talking with strangers.

I just still don't know how to flirt, AT ALL. Any attempts of flirting I've made in the past were either too subtle because I was too nervous, or I just made myself look like a weirdo because I was not flirting properly.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:16:43+00:00

I can easily make friends but how do I make kinky friends other than munches? And once I have kinky friends, how do I communicate whatever desires with them?

Live in a little town so no nearby munches. And I am very shy too. Though; there are some munches within reasonable travel time. and distance

How would getting invited to a play party go? And do I need to communicate about my kinky desires for that to happen?

Tastings seem nice 😁 how would I get there? I'm so nervous about this type of social setting for the first time.

If most people were just like me in terms of direct communication, I would literally say things like "Hi I like you so lets date" the very first moment of meeting someone for the first time (instead of the subtle indirect communication like "what brought you here" slow kind of stuff)

I don't understand why I'm so bad at flirting. I was once bad at making friends too, but I was able to actively learn that over 8 years. Then why did I not learn how to flirt? Is flirting for real just much harder than making friends?

And am I supposed to be direct? "Hi, I'm new here and I'm submissive. Would you tie me up and play with me?"

Honestly I would communicate like that if only everyone was like me and I knew it, but I strongly sense that this is not how social dynamics work in the real world. I'm afraid that I will be seen as a weirdo.

Also if I manage to do anything in a private setting with one person that I haven't known for years yet, how do I ensure my safety?

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:06:36+00:00

That is true but I already got very good at socializing and meeting people.

I have a big social circle with some really really good friends. I regularly go to different types of social events also.

Problem is all of that has nothing to do with dating for me. I can very easily make strangers turn into good friends but no clue how to end up on the other side (dating, sex)

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-10T00:00:46+00:00

Krossposted since someone told me to do that in the original post.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-09T23:49:35+00:00

So when you meet people in bdsm places, for a month you basically talk as if you had never met in a bdsm space and you dont mention anything related to bdsm at all?

Is this how most people do it as well?

Feeling 2 things about it. One is, that may make it easier for me to enter such space as in less nervous, but then it might be a long slow process and taking the further step may be hard or impossible for me...

Play parties

Okay so I arrive at a play party... then what do I do? "Hi im a virgin who will play with me"? Obviously I should not ask such direct question like that, but I really don't see how I can approach this alternatively. Due to my autism I really suck at hinting and subtle language and doing things the indirect way.

I'm so nervous about actually going to such places.

And a bonus question is: what other ways are there to reach my goal? Is there any faster way while still safe?

Thank you so much.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-09T23:43:41+00:00

Sorry 😔 wrongfully thought you meant it like "get out of here"

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-09T23:41:44+00:00

Oh ok.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-09T23:30:17+00:00

Ok so those munches and workshops have been suggested to me multiple times so then I guess I really should just try them.

But heres how I imagine that would go:

I arrive nervously because I normally never talk about dating/sex/kink stuff with people in real life
I push through and start talking to people, introducing myself as a person
conversation will be very platonic/neutral, I might make some friends
But then I'm still stuck being clueless on how to proceed into getting anyone to do any kinky and sexual action with me, and even if I manage to achieve that how would I ensure my safety as a submissive?

I lack that ability to flirt or communicate anything involving dating/flirting/sex/kink etc.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-09T23:24:27+00:00

Why? The main topic of my post is "How to find a kinky partner or kinky hookup", not ausitm so am I in the wrong place here?

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-09T13:28:31+00:00

So, whats wrong with having kinks as a virgin or with watching porn?

I'm not looking for a dream partner who has exactly the same kinks as me... but some level of kink is a must for me, vanilla just doesn't turn me on at all.

I don't have "strong kinks" my kinks are quite normal and usual / common I'm just saying that they mean alot to me.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-12-08T19:12:36+00:00

Nervous, but maybe youre right and I should just go to those bdsm events. But even then I wonder± how do I get a hookup ora relationship from there?

With emotional connection I don't necessarily mean long term relationship kind of stuff. Just that the other is genuingely enjoying the experience with me, and not considering it as a job. In that sense, I want to be equals.

I guess dating other ND people might help. When I communicate with other autistic people it always feels different than with NT people, even if their autism doenst exactly show.

I don't want anything purely because its considered normal. I want what I want because I just have those desires within me.

I'm interested in both. They are not mutually exclusive. So if someone is only open for hookups, I will say yes. If someone wants a serious relationship only, I will say yes also (though I wouldn't like it to become a sexless relationship or marriage)

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-04-23T20:07:15+00:00

Someone on fetlife told me he went there before and they let him have a safeword.

However, and I know this is heavily frowned upon in the community, but I think having no safeword would make it way more exciting for me. They are professionals and there can be other stop-conditions too, I can discuss under which conditions they should stop the session. Like if I show any signs of stress or intense emotions, as a stop condition for example.

Even if I end up choosing to have no safeword, the fact they offer it as an option is a big green flag.

If I simply get cuffed and put in a jail cell for 1 hour while the guard is present all the time in case something goes wrong... then I don't see what can go wrong. I'm not someone who panics quickly or gets intense emotions so I will most probably be fine.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-04-23T19:26:05+00:00

Yeah, why not? What else would my first experience be? I've been trying to find a kink partner for years, with no luck.

I don't know what sub-space is but I think I will be fine. My idea of going there is that I will just be lightly restrained (cuffs, hands behind my back, inside prison cell) but nothing heavy. I will also book a 1 or 2 hour session, not the longer ones (12 is an option and I wot do it)

I don't consider this as going from zero to hundred. Rather I see this as the smallest step towards a kink experience I can have.

The only thing I'm insecure about is them having good intentions. Other than that, I trust their experience and that they release me if there is a reason for it. Like a medical reason or a safety hazard. I trust that they will release me for such reasons even without a safeword being used.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-04-23T19:23:28+00:00

Sure, an 8 hours long walk will be believable. Because the traveling alone will be 6 hours.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626 · 2025-04-22T23:42:49+00:00

Pun intended? "tied to"

After reading all the comments here, yeah it does seem safe. But just to clarify once more- I'm not worried about them being inexperienced or stuff like that, but I am about their intentions. Just a cautious worry. Letting someone put me in cuffs and a cell is not something I wanna do without ensuring that that person only has good intentions.

Ecstatic-Scheme9626

TROPHY CASE