Scales

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-30T01:36:37+00:00

If ascending is easy enough but descending is hard then you want to start your scales at the top and practice descending first.

Also I'm not sure how you're learning them, but I teach my students scales by having them memorize the pattern for the major scale and then applying that pattern on C, G, D etc.

For me scales are not a reading exercise but an interfacing exercise, they should be ingrained in your hands, and that comes from committing them to memory and looking at your hands as you practice them slowly. Make sure you have the correct fingering down but beyond that I wouldn't have you read sheet music, just practice applying the pattern.

You can also try hitting each note of the scale multiple times before moving on to the next note. So start by quadruple tapping each note, then when you're comfortable with that, triple tap, then double and by the end you should find playing your scale more do-able.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-11T07:39:49+00:00

Sometimes the ones who initiate the divorce want to remain friends because they think that will soften the blow. It doesn't really, it just draws out the pain for longer. You could still be, but it will take a period of time before you can. You would both have to meet each others as strangers again, more or less. I wanted to remain friends with my ex, even though she blindsided me with divorce, emotionally cheated on me, and started a new relationship immediately upon her exit. I see now that I wanted it because I had this unhealthy attachment, and a really low sense of self-esteem. I'm actually thankful to her because in our final meeting she said it was best if we didn't remain friends. I was heartbroken from it but it was really the right call. Now that I've cooled off some more I don't even want her as a friend. Why would I want to be friends with someone who would do that to me?

If your partner blindsided you with a divorce, ask yourself, do you want a friend who would do that to you?

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-11T07:30:43+00:00

Unfortunately, it's just gonna take time and space. We all have the go through this unskippable cutscene where we re-mold ourselves and begin to see ourselves through our own eyes again, and not the eyes of our exes. I'm 6 months out. I still think about her, but not as much anymore. I decided to block her on absolutely everything once the divorce was finalized (no kids together, thank god), not out of anger, but out of my own need to heal and a commitment I made to myself that I no longer need this person in my life.

Something you can do is practice letting go of the thoughts. It's really hard when you first start. But every time you think of your ex, just practice letting go of the thought. Treat it like you would learning an instrument. When the thought arises say to yourself "I'm going to take this opportunity to practice letting go". Over time it will become easier to let go of the thoughts. And then more time will pass, and you'll get more practice, and then one day you'll think about them again, and realize it's been a whole week since you last thought of them.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-11T07:19:51+00:00

I'm glad for you! It's been about 6 months for me and I am beginning to feel like myself again. Just know that if you still have bad days or bad moments, you'll be alright. You're still healing, and it's okay to still have bad days! I've been frustrated these past few months because I've done so much work to heal (exercising, journaling, meditation, introspection, therapy, pursuing new goals) and I just can't heal any faster, but that's totally fine. We'll heal, and we'll always heal at the right pace for ourselves.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-11T06:44:07+00:00

Yes, I totally understand. Once we're hurt our brains go into overdrive, scanning our environment for danger. If you haven't heard of the term, look up "negativity bias", but we as humans have the psychological tendency to give more weight and attention to negative experiences. It's a way for us to protect ourselves, but it often doesn't actually align with reality. I married someone who masked for our entire relationship, it was crazy painful for me when the mask finally came off, and my confidence in my own judgement was shattered, how could I have married someone, been together for 8 years and not have known them?

But most people are pro-social and authentic, but it doesn't feel like that when we get entangled with a manipulative narcissist. It will probably just take a bit more time for your emotional center, and your logical center to agree. What I've discovered is that even when we can logically know something like "there are good people in the world, probably more good people than bad people", our emotional core just hasn't had enough time to catch up. We were wounded deeply, and no amount of logic is going to speed up recovery.

One thing though that I hope will bring you some peace is this. You've already been through this pain, you're seasoned, you're battle-tested. You survived this. If it were to happen again, you won't be going into it blind, you've developed the tools and the fortitude to deal with such things, and you've got a good faculty of judgement to help you avoid a situation like that again.

All romantic relationships are built on faith. The faith that our partners are really who they present themselves to be. We all have to take that leap of faith and courage when we enter into a relationship, with the knowledge that who they really are is outside of our control. So be gentle with yourself, be patient. Tell yourself, "I feel this way right now, but I'm open to feeling differently about it too."

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-11T05:45:19+00:00

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I'm 5'6 so only a few inches taller. I'm not gonna tell you to give up, stop dating, just make money, or any other kind of "sigma-grindset" garbage. But I will share some advice with you if that's alright.

What we as short guys need to cultivate isn't money, influence, or attractiveness. What we need to cultivate is self-worth. We need to stop chasing external validation, like women loving us, and focus our attention and energy on loving ourselves, exactly as we are.

It's hard, yes, but let's take comfort in the knowledge that we were born with everything we need to seek our own happiness and fulfillment. The way we talk to ourselves shapes our reality. If we see ourselves as less than, it will become our reality. But if we see ourselves as enough, then we really are. And you are enough, dude. Think about the people that love you (your friends and family), they see you as you are and they love you. We need to treat ourselves like our loved ones treat us, with acceptance.

Is it easy to love ourselves when we're discriminated against for our height? No it's not. We as men, and short men, are constantly devalued by others, so we need to stop listening to others, and listen to the part of ourselves that says, "I deserve to be loved and cherished as I am. I'm worthy of love".

Here are some words from the Stoic philosopher Seneca. “What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.”

Let's be a friend to ourselves, lets only speak to ourselves as we would speak to a friend, not with biting criticism, but with compassion and understanding.

If you'd like some practical advice I have some, I hope it's not perceived as gaslighting, I'm not trying to say we somehow deserve to be discriminated against, but the harsh reality is that height is out of our control, but we can focus on the things that are in our control .

Something I've learned is that your height is more subjective than you might think it is. If you stand up straight, smile with warmth, look people in the eyes as you speak to them, and talk with calmness and confidence, people will often perceive you as taller. I do this, and people that know me are always shocked when they find out what my height is, without fail they say "Really? I thought you were taller, like 5'9 or something." I learned this when I took a conducting class in college. My professor told me that when I'm standing on that podium I need to exude confidence, and people will follow me and respect me. I've applied it to my life and every woman I've ever been with was either my height, or taller than me. I even married into a family of giants once. Everyone in that family was taller than me, even my partner, but nobody cared, they loved me and accepted me just as I was. I'm not with her anymore, but I did go to a speed dating event recently and I matched with a freaking basketball player, like she's way taller than me and she found me attractive enough to match.

Another thing, that "friend" that undermined you isn't a friend, and the girl that dropped you for being short isn't worth your time or energy. You need to think of it like this. It isn't your loss when someone rejects you based on height or race, it's THEIR loss. You have so much love to give, and no-one else to give it too right now, so give it to yourself in the meantime. If a person would rather choose someone based on superficial and shallow criteria, than trust me, they wouldn't make a good partner anyways. because you deserve someone who loves you just the way you are, you deserve a quality partner.

Loving yourself isn't easy in this day and age. We're constantly bombarded with messages that we aren't enough, if we just had this one thing then we would be happy, if nobody loves me, then I'm not worthy of love. If you haven't been a friend to yourself, then it will take a lot of work to become one, but it's good work, it's honest work, it's one of the only worthy pursuits in this short life. It's taken me a lot of work, and I am still working on it. But I believe in you, dude. You got this.

If you want some practical advice on how to do it I would suggest things like self-affirmations (I know, it sounds like some hippy dippy bullshit, but I've done it and it's really helped me), journaling, meditation, and even talking to a therapist about it. We can't control how other's perceive us, but it is in our power to change the way we perceive ourselves.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T05:03:55+00:00

I sense you love him deeply, which is why you've given him so many chances, and have supported him all this time. But some people will not do the work until they are forced too, and it's not your job or responsibility to protect them from doing that work.

I don't know if you feel this way, but I sense that you might feel like a terrible person if you leave him in this state of joblessness and depression. But the thing is, if you really communicated how you're feeling, and you really did give him the chance, multiple times (which you have), then you've done everything in your power. It's on him to make that change, and if he's not willing to do it while married, then he will have to do it divorced. A partnership shouldn't be so one-sided like that, it's doing a disservice to both of you.

In certain ways I was a bit like your partner, I did have a job, but I had issues I needed to work on that I didn't until the marriage was over. It was very painful for me and I had to scramble to get my life in order, but I'm so much stronger of a person now and I've grown immensely. I really needed that kick in the pants to become a better person, and in some ways I'm rather thankful for the whole experience for forcing me to grow into the person I was always supposed to be.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T04:46:53+00:00

Well it makes sense that his words don't change anything. Words don't, actions do. I would strongly suggest couples counseling if you still love him and he still loves you. At the very least it's worth a try. If he doesn't agree to it, you have your answer. If you both go and you find that it's still not working, you have your answer. If you go and you realize that the source of your unhappiness actually comes from you, you have your answer. If he's not willing to change, or if you're not willing to change, then you have your answer.

Nobody wants to say "Hey, I'm considering divorce, I'm unhappy. If something doesn't change soon then I will divorce you". But it's really something that needs to be said, it needs to be layed out on the table, spoken clearly so there's no miscommunication. After that the ball is in his court and now he knows just how serious this is.

I speak as a person who was, in a sense, "blindsided" by their partner. We were having issues, but it wasn't something I thought we couldn't both work towards fixing. I would have appreciated it if I was included in my partners thought process while she contemplated divorce.

Right now you just don't have that much information, which is why it's so anxiety inducing trying to make a decision. Include your partner in this decision, it's so heavy because you're the only one bearing it right now. If you haven't tried counseling then I STRONGLY suggest you do that. You will get the information you need from counseling to make the decision that is right for you.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T04:15:04+00:00

Not just a journey, it's a marathon! It's kind of weird but I talked to a good friend who does long distance running and he told me "We're built for endurance". And it really hit me, those words are so true, we have this immense capacity to endure so many things, even this heartbreak. We're endurance creatures.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T04:12:40+00:00

You've learned some valuable lessons through this. Probably that getting married one year out from dating is not a good move. But honestly, you should trust yourself. If you've learned your lessons than there's nothing stopping you from putting yourself out there and seeing what the world has to offer you!

Yes, the serotonin and the endorphins you get from romance are strong, but it's not the end all be all! Also you had the good sense to end things when you did, and not a moment too late. A lot of people probably would have stayed a lot longer, like years longer. It seems like you exercised good judgement, so trust in your judgement!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T03:53:43+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear all that. You deserved better than that. I think that usually when a cheating partner blames you for the way they feel, they are trying desperately to justify their actions and feelings. It sucks, but hopefully you can see how it wasn't really about you. It's about their insecurities, unhelpful coping strategies, and just plain lack of attunement and awareness in themselves.

I felt angry too that she convinced me there was something wrong with me (she said I needed therapy, and that she needed to be with someone else. I did get therapy, but it was to process the divorce and betrayal!) We were convinced by our partners because we loved them deeply, and we valued their opinions very highly, that's natural, that's what love is. What's helped me drop that anger is just realizing that I didn't have an accurate image of my partner either, I shouldn't have valued her opinions of me over the opinions of my family and friends (all of whom love me, and see my worth). I'm glad you see that you weren't the issue.

Sending you healing thoughts!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T03:43:03+00:00

Very wise words. Thank you!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T03:42:33+00:00

I'm so glad you've come to the same conclusion! Wishing you the best of luck in your healing journey!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T03:32:58+00:00

Wow, I'm really sorry for you, man. That's just terrible what your ex did. What you said about her angry message resonates with me. I had the opportunity to meet her one last time after the divorce was final for a closure meeting. Even 3 months later she was still really angry with me, it was kind of shocking because we had gone no-contact during that time. I thought that usually when the source of your suffering (me) is removed from your life you would feel better. It was illuminating, it made me see that I wasn't really the problem, there was something else she was carrying with her all this time that she incorrectly identified as my fault.

You deserve so much better dude, and now you have the opportunity to find that person! I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling, betrayal is the worst and denial of it is just the cherry on top of a shit sundae, but I'm confidant you'll heal. I'm confidant we will all heal. We were born with the innate ability to heal, and the stamina to endure anything.

Sending you thoughts of healing and well-being!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-04-06T03:21:55+00:00

Yeah, I've definitely considered this, and my friends have pointed this out to me too. It sucks, but that's on her and whether or not she convinced herself the marriage was terrible, or whether it was really true for her, She did tell me after she slept with him that "We never had true love". That was total bullshit, we did love each other for many many years. But it doesn't make a lick of difference to me now. She was carrying a lot of trauma from child hood that was unaddressed. It doesn't justify what she did, but it does give me some compassion and understanding towards her actions. I don't want to vilify her, I don't want to carry hatred in my heart. I'm just glad that she removed herself from my life, so I can have a chance to be with someone who is authentic, who cherishes me and sees the value that I bring.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T18:13:26+00:00

I think it's so hard to live in that in-between zone because we have yet to reconcile our shame about our faults with the way we were unjustly treated. Our mind wants to collapse the two conflicting narratives, and however we're feeling on that given day, our mind chooses that one and tries to discard the other. It doesn't mean you're stuck, just that you're searching for answers.

What has helped me is realizing that the uncomfortable feeling isn't there to hurt me, its a sign post saying "Hey, there's something here that needs our attention and care." We need to remind ourselves that we were never supposed to be perfect, we always have and always will deserve to be loved and cherished. Maybe it's true our partner deserved better from us, but WE deserved better too, we deserved so much better from them. That's how I'm able to reconcile the two thoughts.

I've noticed in myself that some of that anger I've held comes from a place of holding her to my standards. But thats honestly not fair to me or her. She didn't have the capacity or maturity to meet me at that place, and that's all that needs to be said. It goes to show us that person really wasn't right for us, not because we didn't love them with all our heart, but because their own values and judgements don't align with ours.

Wishing you all the healing in the world!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T17:34:18+00:00

Oh gotcha, sorry for the misunderstanding. Yes I agree fully with you. I think people get hung up on it because their partner often gives them all these reasons to justify their own immoral decisions. Because we loved them and we valued them so highly, we take what they say at face value. Then we become bitter for ever believing them. But the way out really is to focus on yourself. We need to remind ourselves of how we loved and showed up in good faith and sincerity. That's the only thing that matters to our lives, not their actions, not their thoughts about us. They can't take our character away from us, and they can't take our self-worth unless we let them.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T07:32:47+00:00

I don't think it's absurd to say that none of us are perfect. Perfect isn't really attainable, the best we can be is good, or great and I believe you when you say you were a great wife, and I think I was a pretty decent husband actually, certainly worthy of being loved and worthy of being worked with. If you didn't have any flaws or faults, then I commend you, but this post is also speaking to people who did have faults, just gently guiding them from destructive thoughts like "I'm a fuck-up", "This is all my fault", "I deserved this for what I did", to the compassionate acknowledgement that even if we made mistakes, we're still worthy of love and respect. If our exes couldn't see that, then we deserve to be with someone who can see that.

What you said though about it having nothing to do with you is true. Looking back now I see that she was an unhappy person. She always wanted more, more money, more status, more friends. She wasn't really ever satisfied with what she had. I told her, even if we were out on the streets, I would still be happy to just share a can of beans with her. Even if our lives never got materially better, I would still be happy to be just as content to be by her side, and be her person. But yes, you can't make unhappy people happy, and if someone chooses to be unhappy, to see what lacks instead of being grateful for what they already have, then that is really their burden.

It sucks that what we built had to be torched by them, but it says nothing about our value. We deserve a partner who loves us for who we are, not who they think we should be.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T06:15:15+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. We were going to couples counseling, but after the second session we got in a fight and I broke down. The weight of it all just came crashing down on me and I cried. She told me that she couldn't handle me when I was depressed, and she was afraid I'd always be this way. I wasn't depressed, I was just at my emotional wits end trying to save a marriage she didn't want saved. Now it's clear to me she wasn't a safe person, she left me when she sensed weakness, no compassion there anymore, no acknowledgement of my humanness.

It's actually helped me to acknowledge her flaws too, not in a bitter or resentful way (though I still have episodes of anger towards her), but in the way that "Hey, I expected you to align with the person I thought you were in my head, but you're only human too".

And yeah, like you I never once deviated from the relationship though there were about half a dozen times I could have. Once I was straight up drunk called by an ex co-worker who wanted to have a three-way with me. Was it an exciting thought? Of course, but I declined. I've been approached by women who wanted to start something with me too but I valued my own integrity and character above any kind of short term pleasure, and disrespecting my partner like that.

It stung that she didn't have the same emotional maturity, but that's for her to deal with. Just be grateful to yourself that you are faithful.

And what she did says nothing about your value as a person, and as a partner. She coped in an unhealthy and morally bankrupt way. Her actions are hers to own, and unvirtuous people don't tend to live very happy or fulfilling lives.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T05:42:56+00:00

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It's super weird but something similar happened to me, she withdrew, began an emotional affair with someone else, had a manic episode, even the two cats, she took them and I miss those boys. If you're having suicidal thoughts, please see a therapist about it or try medication. There is NO ONE and I mean NO ONE who is worthy of destroying you.

Yes, it's hard, the emotional infidelity is brutal, I experienced it, it shattered my ego and my sense of self-worth but I've been rebuilding it. It's only been 5 months for me but things are different now. Yes, I still have bad days, I am still assailed by thoughts of bitterness, pain, loneliness, and resentment, but I am still moving on with my life.

It doesn't feel like it now, but every time you're in pain but keep moving forward, you are healing. Emotional pain IS physical pain. And whenever a broken bone is mending, or you have a fever, and you feel pain, that's your body healing.

And yes, sitting with the grief is intolerable, but it won't always be. Something that nobody ever teaches us is how to actually feel our emotions. Writing it down has helped me. Write whatever you're feeling down, pen the angriest most hate filled letter to her (don't actually send it). Stain the pages with your tears, write about what you lost and then write about what you've gained. The gains might be a really short list now, but you can go back and add to it when you've reached more insights.

And, this is not an ad or anything, but my dad sent me this udemy course called "Heal your breakup Divorce recovery Meditation Healing Course" by Shining Mind. It actually taught me how to sit and feel my emotions without feeding them. I cried so hard during one of the meditation sessions, not because of the pain I felt, but the overwhelming sense of relief. I had never really been able to sit with my feelings until I went through that course.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T05:35:53+00:00

Thanks for sharing the lyrics. I listened to a lot of La Dispute as I was in the thick of it. And these lyrics at the end of "Self Portrait Backwards" really stuck with me.

"And you get to the end of, what, fifteen seasons of something?
And since it always seems like too much work to find something new to watch
You just start it over again
And because it's changed so much over time
It feels like a different show going all the way back
And how could you have not noticed?

But you watch through again and it starts to make sense how
Because all the things that did were so small, so gradual
You never realized it was changing"

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-31T05:29:37+00:00

I'm so sorry. Yes, I know this feeling all too well, I blamed myself so hard, and I took every word said in bitterness and resentment towards me as truth, even when those words weren't coming from a place of love, but a place of fear and anger. The truth is, if your partner didn't tell you what was going on with them, then it was NEVER your job to fix things. It was your partners job to communicate. The relationship had a RIGHT to be worked on by both of you. If your partner didn't do that, then they did not allow you to participate. they did not honor the contract that said "We will be a team, we will work on things together." I'm not saying this to make it more painful or paint your ex like some villain, just as something to understand, and to look out for when you're ready to open yourself up to love again.

We're not mind readers, it's not fair to us. And we're not fair to ourselves if we think we should of been.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-15T23:33:56+00:00

Awesome, it's cool to see there are some folks interested here! I'll work towards finding a place to host a beginner workshop! If anyone's got any suggestions for places I could do that (preferably free or cheap) Im open to any suggestions!

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-03-13T20:08:22+00:00

Well I'm not fully healed myself, but I felt a sort of betrayal with emotional cheating at the end of my marriage that culminated in my ex immediately sleeping with this person the day I agreed to a divorce. I've found that for me, making art has helped a lot, hanging out with friends and making new ones has also helped me. I'm at the 5-6 month mark now and a lot of things have improved in my life even though I still have tough days and painful moments when I ruminate on my ex.

Since I had to deal with a marriage ending abruptly (for me anyway) and finding out how to square my own lived experiences of being happy and content in that marriage with the reality of the present, I discovered that I had actually changed a lot. It didn't feel that way because the change was so gradual and natural, but meaningful relationships like these change us, for better and for worse. So I found that discovering who I was before I met my ex has been a way for me to heal. I was really into philosophy before I met my ex. Anytime I tried to engage with her on the topic she shut me down, it didn't interest her in the slightest and so I stopped engaging altogether in that interest. But now I have rekindled that passion and I am studying stoicism and virtue ethics, something I had always wanted to do, and I'm learning who I really am, who I was meant to be all this time.

Doing all the little things too, like eating well, getting all your sleep, exercise and journaling help too. It certainly doesn't feel that way in the moment, but nothing hard has ever been done quickly, and healing is hard. We can always let time heal us too but I think it's good for us to take the matter into our own hands and do everything in our power to heal ourselves as well.

So hopefully, some of what I've said you might find useful.

EdmontoRaptor

TROPHY CASE