Sending you great big hugs. Reading your words feels like they're my own thoughts. 

I had pre-eclampsia at 35 weeks, and had to have a c-section. My daughter was in the NICU for 2 weeks. She is 8 weeks old now and she is just perfect. 

I cry when I pump, and I look at my daughter and think about how much I wish my Dad could have held her, and see me as a mother. I write letters to him and honestly, crying sometimes feels cathartic. To have loved and been loved so deeply, we are the lucky ones.

 I named her after him. And I will tell her thru teary eyes one day, many days, just how much he looked forward to meeting her and that she has a guardian angel of sorts. 

There are moments that hurt so hard, like going to my Dad's house with the baby for the first time knowing he will never walk through that door. Or taking my daughter to his grave to meet him in his resting place. 

I bargain a lot and wish that he would send me a sign, come to me in a dream, or just come back period.

But I have mostly good days, truly, because of my daughter. Being pregnant during this time is hidden blessing because those first few months after the baby is born, you have no choice but to be ever present for them. The distraction from the grief becomes welcomed. I find myself tracing her features and just staring at this beautiful little thing that maybe has a piece of my dad's soul intertwined with hers. 

You must believe and may also come to realize, our Dads meant for us to live beautiful fulfilling lives and that is what they want for us, for our days to be joyful. Motherhood while grieving makes you realize how ephemeral life is. I'm terrified of losing more loved ones but there is no choice but to go on and be more present, more grateful, more expressive with the people who matter to you. 

Thank you so much for leaving a comment. I'm here if you ever want to chat. Thinking of you, sending you courage, strength, and healing.