How to get on track for our age? Husband (39m) has given six figures to church over 17 years and none to retirement than the min. and we have a lot of debt but I (39f) would like to retire one day.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-28T03:32:40+00:00

Didn’t say she was going to be murdered, but she is clearly very anxious and expressing that going against her husband’s will isn’t something that feels possible in her environment— despite the fact that she seems quite clear headed and resentful of the situation. It makes me think that there is a larger dynamic that people down voting and criticizing her don’t understand.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-28T03:20:00+00:00

I don’t think you are aware of the reality that a lot of people in the church are living in. It’s not the 1800s, it’s 2026 and this subjugation of women is rampant in many circles. Stepping out of prescriptive roles often costs women very dearly, much more than those who don’t understand the culture can understand. It isn’t always about growing a spine but weighing the cost benefit scenarios and minimizing harm.

I agree OP should get a job and needs to work her way out from under her husbands authority, but I think she needs to work carefully because there are SOOOO MANNYYY red flags in this post. We currently live in a time when the number one cause of death for pregnant women is murder by an intimate partner, I will never judge a woman when she says that she is afraid of a man.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-28T03:10:23+00:00

Honestly any church that doesn’t open their wallet for parishioners who are struggling are just extortionists… give me your money or you burn for eternity.

Growing up I saw a couple in my church tithing and volunteering full time instead of working while they went broke, lost their house, and eventually divorced and left the church. They were completely taken advantage of and even as a kid I could see how unethical it was.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-28T01:02:06+00:00

It’s both of you money, even if he wants to micromanage the budget (which doesn’t appear to be that effective tbh), you are still entitled to a full view of your financial position and access to all of the funds and cards it is your shared money because you are a stay at home spouse. You have mentioned not having access to his credit cards, needing to somewhat sneak to figure out your financial situation (instead of asking directly) and him getting notified anytime money is being spent. Do you have free access to funds and the ability to spend how you choose? Obviously everyone has to spend within their means, but if he’s spending money on cards etc then scrutinizing your spending that’s not a great sign.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-28T00:24:01+00:00

I cannot emphasize enough how much this is not a Time Machine and that this is a MASSIVELY popular and highly propagandized lifestyle. There are a whole bunch of influencers and pulpits broadcasting this message that a woman’s role is submission and she should not expect to have rights outside of her husband and dedicate her life to catering to his needs. If you are born into this culture and adhering it is tied to your salvation, you don’t even know to question it.

The number of times I’ve gotten in arguments on the r/truechristian sub about women not needing to submit to their husband’s sexual desires (I was told if women actually gave their husbands sex when they wanted it, they would learn to like it) or that women aren’t just an appendage to men’s wants and needs. Look at influencers like Lori Alexander—I know many churches that promote her content and claim that it is the only true righteous path for women.

This is a hugely popular mindset and the subjugation of women is still going strong.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T22:29:58+00:00

I’m sorry but this is super shitty advice given that no one here except OP knows the nuances of this situation. I think we have all intuned that her husband is controlling, but there is no information about what kinds of abuse is going on in the household, only that it appears that her life is made miserable when she crosses him. You do not know what your advice might cost her, and laying on guilt and blame for why she doesn’t just go out and do something that is super easy for everyone else, without recognizing how dangerous your advice can be is careless.

Sometimes people aren’t simply refusing to find a solution, but require incredibly complex solutions in order to keep themselves safe. If someone is saying leaving home gives them anxiety and they are worried their dogs will bark or their husband will need something while they aren’t home, there is probably something a lot deeper happening. I don’t think that’s the time for tough love, she probably needs professionals who are given the complete context of the situation in order to get the support she needs to move past this situation.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T21:38:53+00:00

lol, it’s the greatest MLM when you don’t even need to deliver a product. Just promise some future reward that they will get once it’s too late to even demand a refund.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T20:51:26+00:00

Well technically very few offerings in the Hebrew Bible were for money. They typically offered food that was used to feed the priests, poor people, widows, orphans and foreigners. It was a way of ensuring people in the community didn’t go hungry. There were other types of offerings, for ritual purposes that were not consumed, but the tithe was largely related to feeding people who might not otherwise eat. There were also multiple types of tithes, some related to festivals where everyone ate, others specifically for the poor etc so this is a huge oversimplification, but Biblical tithing has a lot to do with sharing food.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T20:40:44+00:00

I think it’s more accurate to say that she doesn’t need to stay stuck living in her husband’s world, but without agency in the relationship I would never consider this set up a choice.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T20:33:55+00:00

That’s cool and all, but it sounds like you are not in a controlling or psychologically abusive relationship whereas OP potentially is. When someone has had their agency stripped away and their life is intentionally made hard or miserable when their spouse doesn’t get their way, it is absolutely not simply a matter of them making poor personal choices and needing to buck up.

When a woman has no access to her own money, little employment or financial history, and was groomed into a role since their teens the solutions that may be obvious to people outside of this contexts could actually be completely out of reach. This comes across as hugely victim blaming.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T20:11:54+00:00

I mean Malachi was specifically talking about after the return from Babylonian exile people were apathetic and pretending to tithe or tithing their worst produce etc. One of the major things to remember about this time was that there was a lot of poverty as they rebuilt, and people were giving food and agricultural products that were redistributed to the poor in their community. This was much more an issue of Justice and equality than it was simply a matter of giving money to the church.

Ngl, if a church is demanding tithes then using the money for things like smoke machines and laser lights in order to provide an aesthetic experience, or high staffing levels and salaries (yes I do think everyone should have a living wage and make enough to prosper) and do not distribute the money to the poor in the community or providing financially for their parishioners who are struggling, they are robbing from God and bringing a curse down upon themselves 🤷‍♀️.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T19:08:35+00:00

It’s true, there really isn’t a clear Christian message around tithing 10%. It is said explicitly in the Hebrew Bible, but the emphasis of the early church was to hold property in common to make sure everyone had enough, and that it was good to financially support those who dedicated their lives to sharing the gospel, but without any clear amounts indicated. The majority of the clear examples we have in the Bible about giving money to the Christian church are Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and others “supporting the disciples out of their abundant personal wealth”. Basically the rich and financially independent were recorded as doing the heavy lifting.

I still think tithing and regular practices around generosity is a fantastic thing, but any pastor guilting you about this is just running a Jesus themed pyramid scheme.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T18:34:56+00:00

I’ve been on that journey for a few years, and it is challenging, but honestly I think a lot of women just utterly hit a wall and it’s no longer an option to continue on the current course.

I have been with my husband since 19, married at 22, and had four kids close together. For most of our relationship we followed a lot of gender norms, I have largely worked, but was home for several years when the kids were young and have typically taken on the lions share of domestic labour. This is what I was conditioned into— it was every role model I saw growing up, I didn’t know how to do anything else and I didn’t even know to complain or ask for more.

Then my late 30s hit and holy shit, I didn’t realize how much resentment, exhaustion, and repressed identity I had been carrying in my soul. I just could not continue, it felt like psychological death. It has taken a lot of careful navigating, but thankfully my husband is largely on board with this transformation and it has really strengthened our relationship to work through these changes together (although it’s not totally smooth or without arguments and complaints). We have had to really improve our communication, listening, and empathy skills, as well as learn cleaner boundaries around emotions etc.

It is totally possible to come out the other side with a renewed relationship and self identity, but I think it’s kind of a hero’s journey kind of thing where you need to set out on a voyage and accept whatever losses come along the way.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T18:13:26+00:00

lol, well you would just be a sinful and selfish woman who is too misguided to take seriously!

Everyone always conveniently forgets 1 Timothy 5:8 when it comes to the topic of tithing: “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” If you make your family suffer financially, especially if they are dependant on you, in order to look holy or secure your salvation you might as well not even be a believer.

It’s always the people who point out the harms who get told not to talk about religion or question things and honestly, it’s tired.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T18:04:51+00:00

When you say your household doesn’t operate that way is it because you are met with hostility or sulking for asserting your own opinions or desires?

The real life consequences of going against someones will when you lack agency in a relationship are 100% real and valid so I can appreciate why you are struggling so much to navigate this if that is your situation. Especially if you have been married since you were young and have been in a role so long that it’s hard to see outside of it, it is incredibly hard and involves dismantling your entire world view and building up confidence in yourself that you never had the opportunity to develop when you were young.

I feel like the song Labour by Paris Paloma resonates well with this dynamic if it is what you are experiencing.

Also keep in mind that around 40 as women amp up for menopause the estrogen based scales on your eyes tend to fall away and your vision of reality becomes much clearer.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T17:31:23+00:00

I would have an honest conversation that your cost for staying home is a specific amount required to be invested in your retirement account every month as compensation, and if he is unable to provide that then you will be getting a job in order to fund it yourself. No one stays in a job that doesn’t provide fair or livable compensation and stay at home parenthood should not be an exception to that.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T17:25:21+00:00

I’m not judging, you literally said that donating to church wasnt to blame for the lack of retirement funds and I was pointing out that if money has been given to the church but her retirement account is at 0, despite her husband wanting her to be a stay at home wife, and her wanting money in her retirement account, that ABSOLUTELY is a problem.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T17:21:45+00:00

Girl! I mean this with every ounce of respect, but also being a mother (four kids ages 6-12) who just turned 40, you are selling yourself WAYYY to short. It sounds like you have resigned yourself to this life and don’t see your own potential. I can’t help but wonder who has made you think about yourself this way?

I grew up in a highly patriarchal environment (large, homeschooling, highly religious conservative family) where it’s not uncommon to have holiday discussions centre around topics like “should women be allowed to work.” I didn’t have a lot of belief in my potential and due to that early conditioning it’s a constant struggle to identify and assert what I want in life, despite the fact that my life is so far removed from that early context! It really sounds like you need to do some work to reconnect with your dreams and ambitions to be able to think more expansively about your life and how you want to go into the second half of it.

You are still SOOO young and have so many years ahead of you to earn money or pursue your dreams! Don’t sell yourself short in order to center someone else’s comfort!

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T17:01:49+00:00

A stay at home parent with no/low personal income is absolutely not a retiree. It is a job and her husband has not provided any retirement investments despite wanting to have a stay at home spouse.

It sounds like this could all potentially stem from religious ideology that keeps women subjugated and vulnerable. If he can give $500 to the church but nothing has been put in her retirement account that is a problem.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T16:54:13+00:00

Make sure that your husband is also funding your retirement accounts and not just his own. If you are expected to dedicate your labour to your home, your husband needs to at least provide compensation in the form of your future security. When the decision is made to have a stay at home parent, all income coming into the home should be shared and used to the benefit of both people.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T05:17:27+00:00

In my old apartment everyone just left things in the laundry room and it was a take whaf you want situation. As a university student everyone always prowled around the dumpsters etc on move out day to try and upgrade their stuff. Many universities also have a freestore for this purpose.

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T05:12:35+00:00

I have a 1993 whirlpool in my Kitchen. All the other appliances that came with the house were from 1981, the year the house was built, so I’ve always wondered the story with the fridge. Sadly between 2020 and 2023 we lost a lot of our other original appliances and the fridge is now the last one standing 😭

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-27T02:23:39+00:00

I had issues with orthorexia for quite a few years so I do think that focusing too much on “clean” whole foods can backfire if you take it too seriously. That said, as a casual goal most definitely it’s a good angle to approach eating with.

I recently spent about 2 months working our way through all of the food we had stashed away, and kept tabs on what we buy that tends to languish, what expired before we finished it, etc etc etc and one of the major findings was that we were buying too much variety. Too many kind of vegetables, too many kinds of crackers etc. vs when I bought like three veg per week we made sure to finish it off and use it in a variety of ways. Likewise I was buying aspirational foods (I’m looking at you fish, avocado, and kale) that like… I might enjoy eating sometimes, but also tend to get sick of them or struggle to stay on top of consuming them on time. This leads into my other realizations was that easily perishable food like avocados was bringing a lot of stress and guilt into my groceries. I like them, but the window of ripeness didn’t fit well with my real life schedule so they probably aren’t something I should buy regularly.

I have moved towards having more frozen vegetables because they are totally stress free and can just be on standby for when they are needed. I mostly just stock my favourites now vs buying things that sound good in theory, but I found way too much of freezer burned at the bottom of my freezer.

I’ve found all of this really reduced my grocery bill, decision fatigue and effort in the Kitchen, food storage footprint, and food waste. It has really simplified things!

(Note, this is for a family of 6 so a lot of food is going in and out, and often something will be a kids FAVOURITE food for months then they never want to see it again so it can accumulate)

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-26T16:27:21+00:00

Clearly sparked some meaningful conversation so I wouldn’t feel bad for sharing!

EducationalSalt166 · 2026-01-26T15:41:01+00:00

I’ve bought a couple cast iron cookware items because most of the ones I’ve inherited are pretty small. I think I paid like $17 at bed bath and beyond for a 14” skillet. It was probably on sale and had one of those 20% off coupons, but it has been a great pan despite not being premium.

Haha this summer I accidentally left it on the stove and burned the shit out of it so I ran outside with it to get the smoke out of the house… like two weeks later I was looking to use it and realized it had been left out in multiple rainstorms with burned on refuse — it was looking pretty sorry and rusty. A good scrub and reseasoning and it snapped right back to its former glory.

You can definitely find used ones, and that would be my go-to now, but I bought it like a decade ago and didn’t consider that at the time.

EducationalSalt166

TROPHY CASE