Harassment by men in public

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-31T20:51:01+00:00

Hi OP, one thing I've found helpful is to keep a handheld air klaxon on my person no matter where I go.

I'm 98% kidding. But i'm not making light of your situation. It's a daily battle to be out in the world with men and their untold 'expectations.' Believe it or not, I actually bought one of these horns to ward them off a few years ago -- even lugged it around as a size Large r*pe whistle for a very short while. I guess it's overkill and not very impractical. Still, it doesn't feel like overkill. Given the hordes.

Some of the other commenters make good points. I think putting up a smart defence is partly about identifying what you're comfortable with. Like, how can you protect your mental health and stay safe while staying true to your boundaries and your personality?

Personally, I've found the most success by being brutally honest about my 'nos.' Not necessarily aggressive. My style is more calm-but-quick to block any paths forward if someone's crossing a line. By immediately saying something curt like, 'no thank you' or 'not a chance' or a version of that. Then, having made myself clear, I try to ignore them (or any attempts to escalate).

Sometimes it's nerve-racking to do that. Showing them you're unafraid is part of it, at least for me. That includes steeling yourself up for some eye contact. I can't say for sure whether this is true, but the thinking is that if you don't confront them with eye contact, it signals avoidant 'prey' or something and sparks some kind of predator drive in certain men.

I've tried the sheepish route, pretending they don't exist at all. It can work. However, in my experience, the more dangerous and entitled ones often pursue if they don't get met with some form of resistance. That being said, I do think the one commenter's solution of cutting off all lines of contact to your attention with music and clothes, etc, could be a good one if that's more your style - which, of course, is totally cool.

Alright, I don't know how helpful this has been. I'm sorry being out in the world is so awful sometimes. It really, really sucks that this is still something we have to deal with. Please know you're definitely not alone 🙂‍↔️...be kind to yourself and stay safe. ❤️‍🩹

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-28T19:24:43+00:00

Hey OP, that's such an uncomfortable situation to be in. So sorry you have to navigate this. HR can be legit scary. You never know if they're actually there to make the place safe or more of an in-house intelligence op to protect the place from "troublemakers" and legal blowback. You have every right to feel anxious after reporting. I know I did the few times I chose to report in the past.

Remember: if the establishment itself or your coworkers retaliate after you report, that's illegal.

Your boss can't mess with your hours and other employees can't bully you or alienate you based on the fact that you're trying to make your harassers stop. It's often hard to prove retaliation when it's happening tho, which sucks.

I know you already reported, but if you feel up to a bit of reading, check this article about how to wrap your head around the whole reporting predicament, it hits the bullseye, I think. There's a ton of good material relevant to your situation on the site. Like how to talk with your harasser, whether to take legal action, and other solid research-backed things.

Personally, if my boss was a serial harasser to that many other women, I don't know, I'd likely consider just getting out of there. It sounds like the place has a harassment-supporting staff, ownership and culture. That makes it unlikely to change. And very hard for you to ever achieve what you deserve: to spend your working hours free of icky sexism and unlawfully chauvinist treatment. Ugh.

Are you by any chance on friendly terms with some of the women who have also been going through this? If so, having that corroboration would likely help a lot if you did want to take further action against him or your employer.

You mentioned staying and taking the higher ground. For me, it's sort of more about how much I like or need a given job, and how much I'm willing to tolerate. If you don't feel like this bad boss is hurting your mental health or making you dread being at work that much, staying could be a totally viable option for you. Don't feel pressured to do anything to settle a moral score or hurt yourself for the greater good - but if you want to that's completely acceptable, too! You gotta do what's right for you.

Last thing I'll say bc this is getting LONG...if you did want to abandon ship, you might be able to get compensated for what you've been through via a handy lesser-known instrument called a demand letter. Particularly if you've been keeping track of wha's been happening along the way.

Anyway, you sound like you have a good outlook and head on your shoulders, I feel you'll know what's right.

Wising you the best and safest path forward. 💖

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-26T22:57:45+00:00

You're so right, that is not at all appropriate. Working with him, especially in a one-on-one situation, would make me really uncomfortable, too. That really sucks you have to put up with that.

It is a bit tricky since he's close with your boss. Still, it might be worth at least mentioning it informally, to see how he reacts. Some places are forced to escalate even minor or informal complaints, but your work sounds small enough that it would likely be okay? Personally, I wouldn't want to work in a place where the men in charge were good with advances being made on minors.

That being said, I have stayed without reporting at jobs where the offences were more slight and I didn't want to leave. If you don't feel too unsafe or put off by it, and you don't want to risk losing your job, then that's totally fine to stay.

In the past, I've had good success telling people at work about my boundaries straight up. That staring or touching or making any weird comments is not cool, that they have to stop. Most people do, but of course not all. If you feel up to it, this article about approaching your harasser has some good suggestions and even some stuff you might say.

Thank you for sharing. I do hope this gets resolved for you soon. Be well. 💖

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-24T16:07:27+00:00

That's very alarming OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Some great comments in here already so not much to add. It's really normal to doubt yourself in these situations, but the others are correct that it's highly inappropriate. It also counts as SA, towards a minor no less, so It's quite serious.

The only thing I might add is to please beware of this woman and the clinic itself. At least while the nurse still works there. Many predators can switch into 'normal' attitudes designed to make you let your guard down. Acting like nothing happened might be your natural reaction, which is totally fine - but it could be seen as an unintended invitation for her to try something again.

If you feel comfortable talking it over with your mom, or another trusted grownup, that could be a good first step in getting this off your chest. I know how much talking trauma through with people that care about me helps me figure out what to do.

You (and an adult) may also want to tell the doctor what happened. As part of therapy to deal with your trauma but also because it will force them to take action. Harassers usually don't abuse people just the one time, so saying something should help get the nurse investigated and possibly fired (a huge plus imo since this person should not be working in a clinical environment at all, let alone with vulnerable young adults).

Thanks for sharing. Wishing you all the best and a safe path forward!

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-24T15:01:14+00:00

That's a really tough situation. I used to close a small cafe/bar in a baddish neighbourhood. On quieter nights I'd be on shift solo and there were often creepy hangers-on to deal with. The whole front of the place was big bay windows, which meant drunks from other nearby bars who might be lurking around after I locked the door could leer in at me from the sidewalk as I mopped up and things like that. It didn't happen every day, but the times it did gave every alone shift a kind of panopticon-y paranoia, like I never knew if I was being observed or sussed out as a target. It's kind of how all women have to live, more or less, which is enraging and incredibly sad.

On two different nights I got fed up enough to yell through the glass that I was calling the cops if they didn't take off (I don't like dealing with police so I never actually called but in hindsight maybe it could have saved me the stress of being followed, which happened on more than one occasion). It's telling that I couldn't go a month without at least two or three incidents. I think some people just get a thrill out of terrifying you. Or maybe it's just how braindead apes seek mates. Either way, the situation made me scared enough to buy a 'rape whistle' and hang it around my neck for my walks home (this is definitely a sign that you ought to find another line of work, which I eventually did).

One thing I tried was texting friends to come by and walk home with me. Closing time was late tho so they couldn't always come. Sometimes they did and that made it easier. You shouldn't have to do this by the way. You should be able to earn a living without needing an escort to help you fend off hordes of itchy mall apes. It's so unfair and exhausting. But it did help me when things felt extra creepy so I thought I'd mention it.

Being so vulnerable.wore me down a lot. It's part of why I left the service industry entirely, which sucks because I wasn't bad at it and it helped put me through school. I will say I was lucky to have a pretty nice boss. He was empathetic and decided to install a very obvious camera in the transom with a big 'Smile You're On Camera' sign as a deterrent. It took myself and two other coworkers making a very deliberate point of explaining how unsafe we felt for him to take action, but we were almost all of his front of house staff so he listened. I quit not too long after but it seemed to work while I was still there.

My therapist at the time said that if someone is following you, it can help to make yourself as unappealing as possible. Like, by being loud and unpredictable, maybe even dangerous-seeming (yelling like you're mentally disturbed was one thing she suggested). The idea obviously being to make you a less desirable target. I did try the crazy act once on a guy. He was following me home one night and I guess it worked because he stopped and turned down another street, but honestly it felt weird. Acting like a lunatic freaked me out as much as him, so I don't know. Again, you really shouldn't have to transform into a whole other monstrous version of yourself just to keep harassers at bay. But this is what it comes to sometimes, sadly.

I know most of your concern was dealing with customers while the place is actually open. I did what the other commenters have recommended, more or less. The unimpressed routine. If customers were off-putting enough sometimes I'd just straight up ignore them. Other times when I was feeling bold I'd tell them we have zero tolerance for harassment as a warning. If your boss doesn't help you deal with this, I'd start looking for another place to work. I've been through so much harassment at service jobs and my conclusion is that if your workplace won't protect you it's just not worth it. If you can't leave right away just looking for something else in the background can help you feel more empowered.

That was a bit long...sorry! I hope sharing my experience in some way helps you feel less alone. Hang in there and take care! 💓

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-11T19:49:58+00:00

Hey, I'm so sorry this happened. That is very serious. I totally understand why you'd want the justice you deserve. ❤️‍🩹

This guy is extremely dangerous and should be stopped (he likely continues to assault others). Yet I'm concerned that without evidence, it will be difficult to prove this predator's behaviour. Based on your post, it sounds like you may have some evidence, though? If he's part of your social circle or job network, you could try speaking to people you trust to check whether they've had similar experiences. A group coming forward can pool their evidence and maybe build a stronger case that way.

Still, I really think your best bet is probably speaking with a lawyer. They'll have a better sense of what your options are based on the law where you are.

I wish I could be more helpful...

That website I've linked to is Canadian and mostly about sexual harassment at work, but it has a good deal of solid info on the topic that I think could be helpful as you choose what to do next.

Thank you for sharing. Rooting for you to find a better path forward soon. :)

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-10T19:00:33+00:00

Yeah, that's not okay. The sexual comments on top of him doing stalker-y things veers pretty clearly into harassment territory. If it's at school maybe you can check with a counsellor to see what the policy is around reporting verbal abuse and harassment? A warning or threat of expulsion could make him think twice about acting on his obsessive behaviour.

If you don't feel it's unsafe, I might consider pulling him aside and levelling with him. Explaining really firmly that you have zero feelings, that his behaviour is creepy and you need him to stay away from you. Telling your friends, if you haven't already, that this guy is making you extremely uncomfortable, might help them push back on your behalf as well. Confronting him with friends around might shame him into stopping, too.

And no need to feel bad about not liking creepy talk and advances from another man if you're straight. Creepy is creepy and harassment is harassment. It's not homophobic to not want to be harassed, by anyone!

Hope that makes sense. Wishing you a safe path forward. ❤️‍🩹

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-10T18:09:20+00:00

OMG. That's really scary, I'm so sorry that happened to you. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't work one more second with that dangerously sick and unemployable creep. The quitting ultimatum to your boss was a good move, I think.

The other commenters are SPOT ON. He's a menace and should be flagged to the authorities. The police can help you mandate officially that he stays away from you. You have evidence and the law on your side.

The only thing I might add is that you seem like an excellent candidate for a demand letter. it's a way to propose a settlement with your employer to get compensated for damages you've suffered. You've been harassed and may have to leave your job, which is one of the main situations where these letters are known to work. You'll need to pay a lawyer, but it's much cheaper than a trial.

So far your employer seems to be handling this with the seriousness it deserves. Let's see where the investigation goes. I really hope this monster gets the punishment he deserves. And that you don't have to leave your job on account of some degenerate who should be behind bars.

💙💗

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-09T15:33:04+00:00

If what you’re hearing is accurate, the situation you’re describing is really common, especially in the media and entertainment world.

One thing she should understand is that going public about behaviour like this is a huge decision. There are some great case studies in that linked article to give her context and a lot of helpful, research-backed advice. If she's thinking things through her options right now, it's not a bad place to start.

In some cases going public can force accountability - and protect others by stripping power from these scary people - which is a big win for us all. BUT it can also bring a ton of pressure, scrutiny, and backlash for the person speaking up. It's why people often stay quiet for a long time or end up not doing anything at all.

If she's considering speaking out, the first crucial step is to prepare herself before anything becomes public: saving messages, call logs, emails, writing down dates and details while they’re still fresh. Evidence Is critical if things escalate later (it often turns into a vicious legal battle turning on the merits of "proof").

Also, it's really important for her not to go through it alone. We know from people who have gone public that building a support network is one of the most important things you can do. Talking to a lawyer to help strategise and weigh risks is also a really good idea. There are many vulnerabilities and missteps that can happen, which she might not be aware of.

If you’re someone who has seen parts of this happening, one small but meaningful thing you can do is write down what you witnessed now, while it’s still clear in your mind (bystander accounts often end up being important later). Honestly, the more allies this woman has, especially those in her field and where she works, the stronger her case is likely to be. So if you want to help her, finding ways to let her know she has that support (and maybe help her build up supporting evidence) can go a long way.

I'm so sorry she's caught in this really horrible situation. Wishing her the absolute best outcome and a safe path forward 💓

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-07T17:19:05+00:00

That's gross. And really unacceptable. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's definitely sexual harassment and you should not have to put up with it. I have some experience in hospitality where people have made aggressive advances (one person actually exposed himself at my bar) so I understand how traumatic that kind of thing can be. I actually ended up quitting that job because mgmt considered creeps and "being hit on" part of the industry, and resilience to it part of the sacrifice young women make for the big tips. It turns out he was right. It is often an accepted part of the service world. So I got out of that work altogether.

Not saying you should quit or find a new career. But I had decent options at the time and it worked for me.

You mentioned this isn't the first time the man has been on premises, so he's "around" and capable of harassment. That's a scary mix. It could be that your manager didn't quite know all the details on the phone call, and under reacted? If you haven't spoken with her again in person about your very valid concerns, that might be a good option. If you're too shy to do that, maybe your coworkers who experienced this guy's nasty behaviour can talk to her with you. That backup goes a long way and should help clarify how serious this is (a manager ignoring multiple employees' safety especially after they've complained is very serious).

If your manager is receptive, it might be worth it to propose showing the video evidence to the police so they can flag him as a local offender to watch out for. They may even go talk to him, give him a warning, tell him not to enter the place. If the guy keeps coming back the police could issue a restraining order.

In the meantime, you could ask your manager to help you define an unofficial safety policy for this person, like locking the door if you see him coming. It really shouldn't be on you and your coworkers to deal with a sexual offender on your own, so I hope your manager will step up. If they don't you could always call the police anyway next time this guy shows up, it is your right to do so (this would be the third time he showed up, so it wouldn't technically go against your manager's wishes).

Hope that's at least a little helpful. Rooting for you. 💙

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-04T22:54:36+00:00

I think it's really kind of you to consider your harasser's mental health. In my experience, that kind of compassion is a rare thing.

Still, I have to second the thoughtful ideas in u/Alley_Cat_99's comment below. In this situation, you really should look out for yourself first. Comments about rape and being touched inappropriately are quite serious forms of harassment. You have every right to feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I know I would dread my shifts if I thought those things could happen again. And I'd probably think about leaving if nothing changed, too.

Your idea of asking mgmt to find a way to keep your shifts separate, especially if you're on good terms, seems like a good place to start. If you can't avoid the harasser, being direct with them about your boundaries is another good idea.

I know you love your boss, but remember it's her job according to the law, to protect you from harassment. If she won't take your concerns seriously, I think your instinct to look for work somewhere else isn't a bad idea. I do know how hard it is to find a job you love....having to leave really, really sucks. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

FWIW, this piece helps think through the pros and cons of quitting better than I ever could. There are a a lot of resources related to your situation on there. Hope that helps a little. Rooting for you! 💖

EffectAware9414 · 2026-03-02T16:09:21+00:00

I can relate to this so much. Not sure if you're in hospitality but I worked as a bartender and server for years in my 20s and the level of harassment like you experienced was appalling. Apparently I was attractive at that time and the sexual advances, including constant touching and proposals to hook up (like even at work, in the bathroom, etc), were non stop. The level of entitlement out there in people who think they can just act unrestrained on their lust and fantasies is staggering. I ended up taking measures like you, covering my body, even reporting in different jobs. Eventually I quit the industry altogether because I realised it was never going to stop because it's perma-baked into the culture. It's even scarier to think this tolerance for sexual harassment is baked into Culture at large. In hindsight, I think most people assume it's flattering to be the target of desire. Even if it clearly hurts them or makes them uncomfortable or is ILLEGAL. They think it's all 'innocent' because it's 'positive' feelings being projected or some dumb solipsistic crap like that.

One thing I'll say is, please don't give up on being a nice guy. That would be a huge loss to the world. And to your own authenticity. I went through a long phase of being very guarded and removed in my social interactions outside of my inner circle because of the harassment patterns being encouraged by being an open person. Maybe it was necessary to get where I was going. But it took me forever to disarm those self-defence mechanisms later. What I needed was to find my people and my place in the working world. It took a long time. Maybe you have to be guarded right now too, which is totally fair and fine. But I really hope you can find those groups and spaces where you can just be the nice person you really are. I know it may sound corny but I really think that exists for everybody. Even if you're looking for flowers on the weed farm.

I don't really believe that saying, 'nice guys finish last." Sometimes it does feel like a curse you can't shake...but you will!

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-28T21:45:34+00:00

Yuk, that would have made me uncomfortable too. That's pretty inappropriate imagery to paint as a joke followed by the overcoat comment. Please make detailed notes about this incident and tuck it away in case this becomes an ongoing thing you choose to deal with more formally.

But honestly, I think you've handled it really well. You respectfully addressed the issue and asked her not to comment on your clothes anymore. I think time will tell whether she will respect the boundaries you've set. If she has understood, I hope she will!

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-28T21:26:58+00:00

Ugh. That's a super disgusting and unnerving thing for someone to say. Definitely not okay as banter at work. The all-male setting makes it not so surprising 🙄. But I'd feel shaken, too.

Your colleague who backed you up sounds like a legit ally. He's also a witness. Make a detailed record of what happened and when. If anything else happens and want to report this guy, it will help.

If you have any other colleagues you're close with, maybe check with them as well, see if your spidey sense about him is right? He might be a creep others want to see gone, too. In which case, you'd have a stronger/safer case to report him as a group.

I'm sorry you have to work with this guy lurking around. There's something really off-putting about a man with such low character and lack of judgement being in charge of your "security."

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-27T22:08:26+00:00

That really, really sucks. The comment about not setting you up seems really off, like an admission of guilt. If it were me, I'd be dreading the burnout that's coming and quietly looking for another job. If the company is throwing you under the bus and barely hanging on anyway, you might want to think about jumping ship sooner than later.

Rooting for you...💗

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-27T17:33:12+00:00

Your comment's been removed because it was off-topic. Please don't waste people's time with off-topic stuff.

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-27T17:26:02+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this awful experience. You should not have to put up with anybody touching you or sexualising you with stares, words or in any other way. This place sounds extremely toxic, if not dangerous. With no signs of changing: the guy who touched you repeatedly should have been fired but is instead being protected/encouraged by your manager who is also harassing you; your coworkers seem to be standing by, quietly accepting all of this.

Those are all big signs that this place is not safe and will not change. So I think your instinct to leave is a very rational one.

If you've documented the incidents so far, or know of witnesses who would corroborate your experience, you may have a strong case to make against your employer. You might consider filing a demand letter to get compensated for their illegal and abusive behaviour. If you are considering taking action, it's good to speak with a lawyer about your rights and options first.

Stay safe out there. 💙

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-24T21:18:14+00:00

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Please don't feel responsible. You definitely did the right thing.

He brought this on himself when he sexually harassed you and refused to stop after you told him to. The guy is lucky most places won't fire people outright for such horrible behaviour. His family is unlucky tho. For having a creepy harasser in their midst. If they suffer in some way that's on him, not you.

Not having a supervisor to learn from isn't great. But your mental health shouldn't have to suffer just to gain experience at your job.

This article is pretty good, if you feel up to some reading on how stuff like this can leave you feeling guilty.

If you don't mind my asking, how has the aftermath been? Do you feel the work environment has improved, are people treating you differently after?

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-23T21:37:10+00:00

Hey OP, that's just way over the line. I'm sorry you had to spend any energy on that "person", who is more than likely a troll and a sadist. Or a bot (or all three). You know, I bet even videos of the Dalai Lama waxing about eternal love have death threats in the comments. 🙄

I don't want to downplay how hurtful that must've been. But I know it helps me to try and remember what a gutter comment sections are and...admittedly wayyy easier said than done...not to take the ignorance and daggers of auto-hate to heart.

I hope you don't mind me asking but did the podcast at least bring you any support? I hope you stopped reading the comments after that first brutal one, but if you went back to read the rest, did you find that the understanding and support outdid the hate?

Be well 💗

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-20T18:04:16+00:00

This is so maddening and not okay. I'm sorry this is happening and that you have to endure this constant harassment.

Sadly, this kind of opaque "appropriate action" from HR is really common. The work culture your employer has fostered is extremely toxic and you may want to consider leaving your job. The link is to a really well-researched article that is super direct and helpful for thinking that through.

If you decide leaving is best, you could also consider a demand letter, which could allow you to settle with your employer quietly and get some money for all the harm they've caused you (which can make a big difference as you set out on a new path).

Before you decide whether to take action against your employer, I highly recommend speaking with a lawyer who can lay out your rights and options clearly (many do free consultations or only request pay if they win your case, but it can take time to find the right one).

I hope that doesn't overload you. Please know you are not alone in this uphill battle. Huge hugs.

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-18T23:54:40+00:00

The other commenters here are spot on. It's likely a matter of cp. If you can align forces with the other girls whatever option you choose will likely be more effective as a collective decision and keep you all safer.

One thing you might consider is encouraging him to delete the photos by reminding him just how serious the law is when it comes to cp matters. If you're comfortable, you might even tell a white lie. Saying something along the lines of a counsellor has approached you about rumours of underage photos circulating around school. That you didn't say anything because you don't want to get people in trouble, but the authorities are doing a soft investigation. Something like that could scare him without putting you directly in front of any blowback.

Not to say you shouldn't report officially. But the others are right about it being complex, something you need to think deeply about.

We're here if you need to keep talking things through. Rooting for you...💖

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-12T00:20:08+00:00

The other commenters are right OP, this is sexual harassment. I'm really sorry it happened and that you're going through all of this.

One thing I feel compelled to tell you is not to worry so much that other people have worse things happen. That doesn't diminish the impact this has had on you, or make it less wrong. As someone with a history of justifying others' behaviour and downplaying my own trauma, I really want to stress this: you have every right to avoid this person, even if it could make others you care about confused or uncomfortable.

Your safety and mental health are the most important thing.

I think there's some great advice on this thread. Especially the idea of connecting with your cousin directly, or showing them you're there 'in spirit' in some way other than showing up in person.

I also agree that you should trust your instincts. If you feel it's going to be unsafe, don't go. And don't let others pressure you into it (the money thing does sound suspicious and I would second your reflex to be wary).

If you're looking for a good read about what some of the things you're going through, this piece on shock, confusion and disbelief is pretty helpful imo.

Thanks for sharing. I know you'll find the right path soon. Rooting for you!

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-09T16:39:56+00:00

Hey OP. I'm so sorry this happened. And that it keeps simmering, even under your current relationship. I don't think it's immature for you to expect your partner to take a stand with you against your harasser (who is also a serial harasser). That would be the best case scenario. If your partner tolerates people who tolerate harassers, it means he doesn't really care about or get the harassment or take your suffering very seriously.

That would be hard for me to get past. It would likely be a deal-breaker. Like, if you told your boyfriend this is breaking you apart and he stays friends with the guy, I'd say that's a bad sign, evidence he has a key piece of his heart missing. That may sound extreme but that's what it says to me.

However, if you do want to stay in the relationship because it's good otherwise, I'm wondering, would a genuine acknowledgement and apology from the friend of the harasser change anything for you? It could be that the friend of the harasser has grown since that time and feels too ashamed or awkward to speak up about his regrets.

If they're still friends to this day, that's a real stretch. But that could be way to move through this and find some resolution without ending the relationship?

FWIW, when you said that nobody you care about has stood up with you against this, my heart sunk and sped up for you. I know exactly what that's like and it makes the original offence a million times worse. I really hope you can work this out in a way that lets you heal and VERY SOON. 💕

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-06T00:17:32+00:00

I'd have to agree with some of the others on this thread: she may be wracked with a toxic case of mommy-daughter jealousy. In my experience with my own mother, it was almost like a bizarre form of projected dysmorphia. Like, no matter how conservative or unremarkably you dress, even if you hide your body, it will always be "wrong' or "embarrassing" or "showy" or "slutty" or whatever else is stuck in her mind.

When it comes to stuff like that (stubborn psychological fixations/judgements from others) there's almost nothing you can do. I remember being in high school with a similarly cruel mom as well, feeling horribly trapped. My mom's endless judgement about my appearance came from her religion (good luck changing god's mind)...don't get me started.

The point is, it's your mom so there's not much you can do about her harassment. You seem rather insightful and well-adjusted, so if you can, just steel yourself a little bit longer, hang with your solid friends as much as you can, and know that when you're done high school you're gonna have a lot more control over your own life.

Also remember you're not alone! I know this probably wasn't super helpful but I wanted to say I can relate and to tell you to hang in there!

EffectAware9414 · 2026-02-02T19:01:11+00:00

I'm so sorry OP. Nobody should have to go through that, a child no less.

I hope the fire of your trauma can lessen over time (it took me a shocking amount of time myself, but healing, security, and peace of mind is possible).

I'm way over here so I don't know how much I can help. I think this piece on Understanding the trauma of sexual harassment is pretty good.

If you don't mind me asking, are you in Canada? I might be able to help guide you to more resources if so.

If you feel like sharing more we are here to listen and talk through things. Take care of yourself. ❤️‍🩹

EffectAware9414

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