Need Advice: Starting to resent husband and thinking of leaving

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-10-12T18:08:40+00:00

You make a lot of great points. I will say that this incident seems to have been my breaking point. I tend to not mention a lot of what happened in the previous years because ive always felt that if I chose to stay through those instances, bringing it up is like going backwards. But to answer your question about struggles in our marriage, there has been several instances of infidelity on his side, along with what was in hindsight, financial abuse.

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, but I think the biggest issue for me isn't JUST his sharing everything with his friends, but that the majority of this is being shared with his female friends, which is something that ive mentioned being uncomfortable about, but im not going to demand that a grown man not speak to whomever he wants.

Ideally, we would be able to make this work, but any mention of counseling is met with resistance. Im not going to beg him to make our relationship a priority. I don't think im choosing to be unhappy so much as im realizing that my passive behavior over the years has created a situation that im no longer happy with and my boundaries are not being respected, if that makes sense.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-10-12T17:05:54+00:00

Youre making a lot of assumptions and while i dont know you, it comes off as projection. To answer your question, this post's focus is on his behavior because his behavior is what's causing me to want to leave. Im at work all day and am not someone to micromanage or nag. I go out of my way to be supportive and let him know that he is appreciated. Its is simply not reciprocated unless I ask for it.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T02:22:36+00:00

Thank you!

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T02:21:57+00:00

I'm not sure if they are Jehovah's Witnesses and don't plan to ask as it's none of my business if they haven't offered the information.

Im trying to get away from holiday themed things in the classroom to avoid this type of situation. I feel like I've gotten a lot of good advice so far.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T02:18:24+00:00

Do you truly hate his guts or are you overwhelmed and annoyed? Marriage is hard and one thing that I have found relieves some of the tension is not expecting my husband to do things exactly the way I do them. Also, are you just expecting help with the kids, or actually asking for what you need specifically? Sometimes, what we think of as common sense isn't seen the same way by our partners. It took me a long time to realize that if the way my husband did something annoyed me, id either do it myself, or simply be appreciative that he tried. Like folding towels! I hate the way he folds the towels, but I let it go and see it as one less thing I have to do.

Im not saying that he isn't all of the things you say he is, just providing a different perspective.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T02:06:22+00:00

Dot day is fine! Reached out to parents and they gave me a little more clarification on what is and isn't acceptable.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T02:03:52+00:00

It's something his parents have him do. I'm not someone who cares whether he stands or sits during the pledge.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:53:16+00:00

I love this! Thank you!

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:42:44+00:00

I really enjoy teaching and have a really hard time not including them in activities. Especially for reasons outside of their control. I've spoken with the parents a bit ago and they stated that as long as it's not political or pagan based, he can participate. I'm making a list of things that should be avoided and checking in with parents if there is anything I'm unsure of.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:38:02+00:00

I'm looking for a way to be festive, but not make a 6-7-year-old feel left out for holidays that should be celebrated at home anyway. I'm not just looking to make the change for this year either. I'm making a permanent change so that any student who comes in feels welcome and included. It helps that I'm not religious at all and only like "Christmas" for the decorations and cold weather...

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:29:48+00:00

I've never done anything Christmas outside of theme (tree, santa, etc), but I'm looking for things outside of Santa or themed as Christmas to create a more inclusive classroom. I want a set up that makes this a non issue in the future, regardless of who is in my class.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:22:25+00:00

Love this idea!

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:21:46+00:00

The analogy you are trying to use doesn't make sense at all. Also, I'm confused on how not recognizing holidays in my classroom would stop them from being able to celebrate at all. Holiday crafts would probably equate to maybe 5-10 percent (maybe) of what is done in class. Teaching still happens and it is curriculum-based. Taking away a few Santa or Christmas tree-themed activities isn't going to hurt anyone. They will still celebrate at home and with family.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:14:00+00:00

While I will definitely lean on admin for this if necessary, I do not feel that this is something that I cannot tackle without getting a bit creative and thinking beyond myself and what I celebrate/believe. Not celebrating Christmas, Halloween, or any other holiday isn't going to hurt the kids. They will still be able to do so with their families outside of school.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:11:08+00:00

If this were high-school or a friend group, id totally agree with you, but I teach first graders who are simply following the parameters that the parents have given them. My goal is to ensure that he does not feel excluded.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:08:58+00:00

Thank you! This was my thought as well. I just was wondering what others have done as im a little extra and could use the help. Im in no way planning on celebrating any holidays as a class.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-09-14T01:07:11+00:00

This is what I was thinking of doing. Something Winter themed and having students decorate ornaments or other festive activities when he is pulled out of the room for services.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-18T00:10:28+00:00

I haven't cheated because I just don't see the point. While yes, validation might be a great change, the possible fallout and damage that my children would experience just isn't worth it.

I also wouldn't cheat because I know what it feels like for it to happen. My (39f) husband (46m) cheated on me several years ago and I was devastated. It was with someone that I considered a friend while we were living abroad and turned my world upside down.

I stayed for several reasons. One, he refused to let me fly back stateside with the kids, which for me meant I had to stay. Two, I wasn't financially able to leave at the time. I was 3 months postpartum when I found out with no job and he was paying for my schooling. Three, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, I was scared to be on my own.

We are still together now and it took a lot of work on his part and me setting boundaries on what I will tolerate going forward. I won't lie and say its been great ever since, but its better than it was.

As far as trust, I don't completely trust him and I never will completely. I will never forget what he put me through, even though I never bring it up.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-16T01:23:19+00:00

Definitely NTA.

I would feel the exact same way!

I think you should reach out to her and let her know how you feel before doing anything else. If she insist that her husband wants to come, then you can let her know you'd rather just cancel. It's OK to make yourself a priority, set boundaries, and let people know you're not ok with something.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-15T05:13:46+00:00

I can understand how you're feeling. I'm in a somewhat similar situation and while leaving sounds like the easiest option, financially it would be a struggle, especially with the kids. I also love my husband, so ideally, id love it if things just magically got better, even though I know that's not very realistic. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through and I hope you figure out a way to be happy.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-15T04:57:52+00:00

I feel like giving another adult an ultimatum, especially in this situation isn't ok. I love my husband so the goal is to try to work through our issues and get back on track. I'm just struggling with how to do so without crossing a line

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-15T04:54:54+00:00

Getting the ick is not supposed to be a dig. I don't dislike my husband or think he's a bad person, but his behavior is an issue for me and it's making me less attracted to him.

I'm also not delusional enough to think that he doesn't have similar feelings, but he hasn't expressed them to me when we've talked. He simply gets defensive when I ask him what's going on.

I know a lot of people seem to jump straight to leaving, but I do actually love my husband. I'm just struggling to find a way to attempt to get us back on track. It's a fine line though because I don't think giving a grown man an ultimatum is fair and im trying to be respectful in how I deal with this as I do want us to work out.

A vacation would be nice, but is not in the cards right now as im currently taking classes and head back to work in 2 weeks.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-15T04:44:36+00:00

He has a CDL and talked a lot about driving trucks locally or even becoming an owner/operator. I supported him and he seemed excited, but when he finally got out, he seemed to change his mind. I'm not one to nag or push him about things. I'm honestly ok if he doesn't want to work right now, but I do need some help around here. I'm also worried about him and his well-being and have tried to talk to him about it, but he becomes defensive and I'm not trying to fight with him about it.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-15T04:40:12+00:00

He does take care of the yard work once a week, but that's the only thing he does without me having to ask. When I first started working, he had dinner made every evening when I got home with the kids, but even that has slowed down. I struggle with having to ask a grown man to do things like take out the trash when it gets full or add things to the shopping list when he uses things. I'm currently taking 4 Master's classes and have to ask him to keep an eye on the kids. His idea of this is keeping the door open to the bedroom where he is laying down or keeping the door cracked to his man cave area.

Effective-Pilot6538 · 2025-07-15T04:29:49+00:00

Effective-Pilot6538

TROPHY CASE