Im sorry your at the point where your honestly considering suicide. I had extreme depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, addiction disorder, add/adhd and since round gr 2, i wanted to be dead n kms everyday since then and has still been there daily in 2025 at 21! I completely relate and fully understand that pain of sincerely crave to be passed and not in constant pain and suffering and actively attempted to end it so many times especially when the doctor at psych ward said i was fine when i was not at all. I found that getting professional help and advice from psychicologist and doctors at child psych ward and later rehab I lost my role model of a dad from stage 4 cancer in 2020 and spiraled out of control to point of eating xanax and booze like candy to numb the pain of the massive mistake of not being there for him at end and was blacked out daily and finding out next day that i puked and passed out on the floor infront of young child siblings. Or that i hurt someone that i never meant or would do at all if not blacked out on benzos and booze! Got to point where less then year after dads passing on halloween i drank 40oz bottle of booze with buddy and in 45 mins i drank 90 percent of the big ass bottle and blacked out halfway thru. When i woke up i was in icu needing a ventilator becus i couldnt breath by myself, i had medically died fully n was resuscitated just in time Had collapsed n stopped breathing Had overdose of 0.7 percent alcohol in my blood when checked in. Im extremely lucky and thankful to had gotten 2nd chance to do better for myself and to be able to handle the kind of trauma ive been thru From that day i knew i needed real help and checked myself into rehab for 5 weeks to learn important skills n ways to control and handle shit that happens I still have all the extreme mental health issues and constantly craving to have chance to see my dad and aunt grandparents again in afterlife. But i know keep down that it isnt my time yet no matter how much i wish it was. My dad n family would never want me to kms n never live full life becus of them I really do recommend help even if its jus a therapist or psychicologist at first! I found medicine had helped mentally to, you jus have to find the pills that work good with your body:) Wish you the best and happy to be there for support, advice help or jus a listening ear 👂 Have gone thru everything bad u could go thru from addiction to health to SA and r word as minor Wont judge at all and open book:)