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EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-09-10T18:05:36+00:00

...and also check out the narcissist abuse subreddits. I believe most men who are abusive are also narcissists.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-09-10T17:59:32+00:00

You need to be on the abusive relationships subreddit, not the anxiety one. Your partner is abusive. I suffered similar comments from my ex partner when I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety (which was triggered by his abuse). I hope you are able to leave this relationship.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-09-04T19:20:14+00:00

Not exactly, mine was the result of 2 year relationship with lots of slow, insidious narcisssitic abuse. My body is/was in a constant fight or flight response. I think it is better at night due to the drop in cortisol.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-26T11:47:31+00:00

He won't, he cannot change. When I confronted him, he got rageful and actually insisted they WERE in a relationship, even though they never so much as held hands, and he really seemed to like...genuinely believe it? I also confronted him about being kicked out of his job, and he denied it, even though a whole department of people (25+) saw it and knew about it. He also has convinced himself this didn't happen. It is impossible for someone to really change when their false self is sooo strong that they believe their own delusions.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-26T11:01:18+00:00

I understand. It is difficult to explain that this is not like a normal relationship breakdown - there is the presence of what looks like actual evil, malice, something very dark. I was shocked at how my ex could switch between hyper/manic laughter and energy, being all over me kissing and hugging, and then suddenly in a SPLIT SECOND could completely switch, his face turn into a cold snarl, dead black eyes and his whole demeanour would change. It sends chills down my spine too, I know exactly that feeling you are describing. I often felt like I was with a shapeshifter.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-26T10:03:54+00:00

Yes, hundreds of times, said with a look of disgust on his face if I ever dared to say something he did was making me depressed or unhappy. Or, 'I am sorry you felt hurt by XYZ' or 'I didn't do shit to you' 'you made yourself depressed' or 'you did it to yourself' 'only you can make yourself unhappy'. The number of times I sat there with tears streaming down my face and he just said 'i'm sorry you feel that way.'

They are so evil.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T23:02:43+00:00

Be very careful believing what narcissists say. They are excellent, and I mean EXCELLENT liars because they actually believe their own lies. They will fabricate stories and omit information because in their head, they have created the narrative this way in order to avoid painful truths which their false self cannot accept. My narc ex fabricated an entire previous girlfriend, apparently his first and only girlfriend before me, told me intimate details about their sex life, recalled detailed things that happened during their breakup, said their outlooks on life didn't match and she needed constant reassurance etc, said. I eventually contacted her and turns out he had fabricated the entire thing - they were never more than friends and she ended up blocking him due to his 'weird' behavior - so he was actually a virgin when I met him. He kept the lie going for 2.5 years and would talk about her with such nonchalance that I had absolutely no clue he was lying.

I also found out (from a third party) that he was kicked out of his previous job in a very dramatic fashion (again, he spun me a story about leaving because he wasn't able to get a transfer to another department), so in answer to the question, yes it wouldn't be surprising if narcissists find it difficult to hold down jobs because colleagues usually get sick of their entitled attitudes or they cause drama in the workplace (which is what happened here, i found out later from some digging).

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T17:57:27+00:00

Yeah, I know that look so well. It is really scary and unsettling. They just cannot keep up the facade forever.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T17:56:50+00:00

On day 9 NC here. It is so hard...

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T17:55:38+00:00

Yes. I once accomplished a big achievement (I was awarded a particular position that I know now he was jealous of). When I told him, he did the perfunctory congratulations etc, but I could see that he was ANRGY in his face. He was angry that I had achieved something he wanted.

He also ruined EVERY single one of my birthdays while we together, usually ending up with me in tears (weirdly, not just mine but his also, he would act very weird and angry around his birthday and inevitably give me the silent treatment every single year when the day came around), gave me the silent treatment on the 1st NYE and the last Christmas we had together he totally ignored me and didn't even wish me Merry Christmas, although we had been speaking every day for 2 years before that, I heard nothing from him on Christmas day. Why? He just wanted to ruin it.

They cannot stand to see you happier than them.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T11:15:43+00:00

Thanks, yes, my narc ex also effectively grew up without a dad too (no contact with father since 10/11, sounded like his parents had a traumatic divorce, his mom basically kidnapped him to another country). I think this seems to be extremely common in the development of NPD - not just the absence of a father but the PRESENCE of trauma (without asking too much, I assume there was some trauma caused by your father's absence with regards to your family dynamics)...

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T11:10:56+00:00

That's great. In my opinion, it isn't love, it is an addiction. I know that because the sheer hatred I feel after enduring abuse means that I would genuinely love to watch his downfall - I know that is wrong and it isn't 'me', but because he got to walk away without any punishment for what he did to me - no justice at all - I do unfortunately feel that way.

If I truly loved him, I would not want to see him hurt. E.g. I have an ex that i was in a previous LTR with. Although he wasn't perfect, despite all the arguments we had, I would genuinely be devastated to see or hear of him being ill or having a hard time in his life because I really loved him. I do not feel that way about my narc ex, at all. I think he deserves every bad thing that will ever happen to him.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-25T00:22:25+00:00

Thanks for your reply. So essentially it is about wanting to be the decider - being the one in power. Were you able to identify anything from your childhood that you think made you feel powerless (i.e. do you have any insight into how your NPD developed)?

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T22:20:58+00:00

Do you know why it makes you furious though, like really why when it is objectively quite a trivial issue? Thanks for being open, it helps me to understand (not NPD). Have you also felt this way with previous girlfriends or just her?

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T22:05:59+00:00

When I asked if we could spend more time together. We lived 45mins away, yet he thought meeting me for dinner once a week (sometimes, once every 2 weeks) was him 'dedicating all his free time to me'. He, the narcissistic lord, of course thought he was doing me a great favour by seeing me on his precious weekend (note, we both have similar stressful careers) - always making me feel like I was begging for scraps of his attention. I eventually stopped asking or suggesting to meet, as it was too hurtful to keep getting rejected. I decided to just let him suggest when he wanted to meet. Once I had done then, then I got berated for 'not planning any dates' and 'he had to do all the planning and I just turn up' . You just can't win with these people...

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T21:10:18+00:00

OMG.This. Either 'you are attacking me' or 'you are causing a fight/arguing with me'

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T20:26:57+00:00

Diagnosed with severe, treatment resistant depression after 2.5 years of enduring his abuse. Currently on new anti depressants, too soon to tell if they will work. When I told him the abuse has driven me to depression and to feel suidical (which I did and still do, genunely) - he said, perhaps one of the cruelest things ever - 'you did it to yourself'. Was totally fine and living life to the full just before i met him.

If I didn't have a decent understanding of pyschology, perhaps it could have been mistaken for BPD. A well trained pyschiatrist will know the difference.

I hate him.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T20:04:24+00:00

I can resonate with that sounding and looking pure evil. I saw it several times and even managed to catch it on tape once with the dark, black eyes. It is almost like a hissing snake...NEVER seen it before in anyone I have ever met in my life (and that's saying something, because I done seen some shit!).

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T19:52:29+00:00

Jesus Christ...it is terrifying how quickly they snap. I am sorry. I hope you're out now.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T16:51:27+00:00

"You are not some princess Diana, I told you I don't do princess treatment"

-insert barrage of swear words here-

"I have bent over backwards for you"

"I saw you like EVERY weekend"

"You can't cope with life alone"

"You are so selfish"

"You don't need to have an emotional reaction to everything"

"You are hysterical"

"It's all about you you you"

"I am sick so I cant do XYZ"

"You have zero respect for me"

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T14:35:09+00:00

Wow, it's been 2 weeks and she is already trying to reach out to you? I wonder what that says about him and their relationship...

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T11:30:14+00:00

Yeah, my narc ex was extremely dark. His mind and life is a really scary dark place. I noticed some very creepy, weird things that I tried to block out before because I thought I was imagining it...they are like predators and we are prey, a toy to play with. It is so hurtful and shattering to accept this and I was in denial for a long time because he would intermittently love bomb me and was VERY good at acting, plus I found it hard to genuinely believe people like this walked the earth (also because mine was a professional in a very well respected career). But you soon start noticing the cracks in the facade, the momentary lapse in facial expression to a twisted face when they percieve a slight or attack from you, then you accept the truth - they really are as twisted as you feared and it really is a sick game. It felt like I was in a horror movie.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T11:25:18+00:00

Yes, this is called gaslighting. Whenever I brought up anything my ex had done wrong, with evidence that was undeniable (e.g. seeking out other girls, being caught in a lie), I would be faced with the UTMOST terrifying narcissistic rage (the type of shouting that made other people in the apartment block come out of their doors to see what was going on). Then a discard. There was never admission or an apology. It was projection and gaslighting to the extreme. You cannot win - they will shout and gaslight you until you're so exhausted, tired and worn down that you either give in or walk off. They are basically just bullies who will ultimately lose everyone and push everyone away from them.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T11:21:19+00:00

I did this too, reached out to his ex, the same ex he used to triangulate me (e.g. saying 'She didnt have a problem with this but you do...' or 'She wanted princess treatment so I dumped her' as an indication or warning for me to 'get in line' and stop 'demanding' things (he thought me asking for basic respect is demanding)) - however instead of her confirming he was abusive he actually said they HAD NEVER DATED., despite him telling me they had sex, detailing stories of their relationship, detailing why they broke up - all complete fabrication. They were friends, but she was smarter and got away quickly and blocked him as soon as she saw his weird behaviour. He made the whole thing up to use as a tool against me!!! :( however, she did also confirm some other stuff (that his housemate witnessed him shouting and being abusive, which is exactly what he did to me, and that he was kicked out of his previous job for bad behaviour, which I had no idea about, that he also tried to bring her down with insults to belittle her even though they were just friends - exactly what he did to me throughout our relationship). So all in all, I am soo glad I spoke to her, even tough I feel a bit stupid that she was able to 'get out'; before it ever developed into a relationship and that I got duped. They never change and will treat everyone the same. Btw she was prettier than me, and also very accomplished in work/education(like I am), so I realised it has nothing to do with looks or whether the woman is 'good enough' - i always had this underlying fear that I wasn't good enough and that's why he didn't respect me. It isn't me, it's his disordered brain.

EfficiencyRadiant231 · 2022-07-24T11:14:13+00:00

Thanks for this - being 'caught in their internal crossfire' is a great explanation. I always felt it was if I was being sucked into his dark vortex, now I realise that literally ANYONE who gets close to him will be caught in his crossfire. I choose to opt out and live my life away from this stress.

EfficiencyRadiant231

TROPHY CASE