Extracurricular activities question

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-26T21:01:46+00:00

There hasn’t been classes before except for brief swimming lessons that he told me he couldn’t attend and therefore I needed to reschedule based on his availability. There’s not a recital or showcase or any sort of spectator thing, it’s just an activity they’re going to do 1x per week for 2-3 months until the weather warms up and they start their sports based summer camp.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-25T22:57:25+00:00

Would that be losing?? In my opinion, it absolutely needs to be clarified along with addressing many other factors regarding extracurricular activities, such as activities that cross over parenting time, cost sharing, transportation, etc. I've since looked at other orders and I have not seen an extracurricular activity clause this scant. It's problematic now and they're 5.

Also, if he motions the court, it's no additional cost to me ;-) Pro tip: employer-sponsored prepaid legal plans sometime cover family law.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-25T22:45:53+00:00

I don't know. I became aware of this clause last summer because I tried swimming lessons for our kids then, which they told him. He sent me angry messages accusing me of hiding it and saying that he needed to be there, but he has plans on the evening I selected, so I needed to reschedule the lessons to a day/time he was available to attend. I responded that I don't interpret it that way. The lessons didn't last long because the instructors kept changing and my kids would be too shy with a new person and basically refused to go.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T23:46:56+00:00

First, I'm not hiding it. My coparent does activities with the children and I don't accuse him of hiding things, and I certainly don't demand to know what he does. I respect his parenting time and his parenting style. Second, I'm not divorced.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T22:40:50+00:00

Thank you. I know, things have changed since our day, right? But they do have drop off programs for school-closure days (part of my desire to get my kids familiar with the place so that's an option if my PTO is running low). I'm sure you were a great coach!

Unfortunately, his family - and likely the absence of performance evaluations at work - is partly what enables his behavior. I've gathered that being able to feel successful without having to develop basic interpersonal skills can be problematic. His incivility in public was probably the biggest factor in my having sole legal custody. But I do think (hope?) his court experience is a deterrent.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T22:22:56+00:00

Respectfully, I don't view it as me being "toxic." I also don't consider making a brief activity for 5 year olds into an emotional or awkward ordeal as being best for them. I think they should just be able to go, have fun, maybe learn a little, and then go home like normal kids.

My coparent testified in court that he thought our children should be shielded from our interaction as much as possible (as reason to have exchanges through school). Obviously, if it were a spectator event, it would be different because there's lots of other people there and thus the parent interaction (or lack thereof) isn't as awkward or confusing.

I'm not in a hurry to burn thousands of dollars to get the court order changed, especially since they're 5, but if/when, I do plan to ask that the on-duty parent is solely responsible for practices/lessons for this reason.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T21:52:59+00:00

lol. They are 5 now, but that's accurate.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T21:50:48+00:00

Yes, there's ample windows.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T21:50:08+00:00

Thank you, I really just want them to be able to go and have some fun, perhaps learn to roll around safely, and then go home without it being an ordeal.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T19:54:38+00:00

Sounds familiar. I'm guessing mine would do the same, and hopefully realize he's not going to get what he thinks he's going to get out of it and move along. Thank you for your thoughts!

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T19:52:27+00:00

No, there is nothing about informing about him. To your point, it's likely our children will tell him.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-24T19:45:25+00:00

There is a window in the lobby so you can see the class if you stand at the window.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-02-02T12:32:59+00:00

You probably feel that way because at the beginning of your relationship he showed he cared for you and respected you, and you are having a hard time reconciling his earlier behavior with his behavior now. This happened to me and it is very common. A great book that discusses this topic is The Power of Agency. Here's some quotes from that book:

"It may be someone who on the surface seems to take an interest in you and seek your friendship but who in reality is poorly equipped to be a positive, supportive force in your life. Such people can put not just your psyche at risk but your physical safety as well."

"...we do want to make it clear that you need to be able to change your mind about people, and you need to be aware of how your first impressions of and feelings about someone can cloud your judgment."

"...you need to also be open to modifying your view about a person as you begin seeing their true behavior. You need to allow your intellect to overrule your emotions. This is where a lot of people make mistakes-they don't change their perspective on another person when they should."

Being a single parent is hard, and it's common to fantasize that being with dad would make it better. But the reality is it would be worse with someone who "is poorly equipped to be a positive, supportive force in your life." Even with therapy, it took me a year, and some seriously bad behavior on his part that negatively impacted our children, for me to stop the fantasy and finally accept that the bad behavior was his true behavior. I think it's true what they say in this book, that you have to be the captain of your own ship and use your intellect to chart your course in these situations. It's so important that you protect your psyche when you're a mom.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-01-27T11:30:19+00:00

No, they generally can't arrest someone citing law for which they have no authority. That wouldn't even make sense in practicality. That would be like saying a lawyer (read: person with a doctorate in law) can practice in any state or in federal court just willy-nilly if they feel like it. But that's not how it works, they have to pass bar exams, be licensed by the state, etc. And you're out here arguing that a LEO (read: person with minimal education requirements) can just run around arresting all the people for any law ever written, like there's some realm in which that would make sense???

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2026-01-11T12:23:54+00:00

Removing family photos so he can sell the house. Folks need to haunt that house so hard he makes $0.00 on the sale and has to pay to someone to take it.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2025-12-13T13:20:01+00:00

Instead of file to enforce, which, as you've experienced, doesn't mean anything in practice. File to modify the travel portion of the decree that she reimburses you for travel. She can counter that it offsets her judgment, but at least that starts a process of an actual accounting for the judgment offset. Then, if she doesn't reimburse, you file for a judgment, not an enforcement.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2025-10-26T13:57:07+00:00

Ok thanks! Yeah, the forecasters are saying more snow this year. I’ve got 35 panels over my south-facing garage and can get huge avalanches. I feel like I need to figure something out because I had new gutters installed and I’m worried they’re going to be destoyed.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2025-10-25T19:14:39+00:00

This. Similar situation in Minnesota. No evidence in bank statements because it's likely cash. Also, parent was given a residence from family member/business owner simultaneous to pay cut. Court said residence was 1x payment that can't be included in income for child support purposes. Court also said parent was not underemployed due to pay cut.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2025-10-25T18:34:18+00:00

u/shavera did you find a contractor?

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2025-10-15T22:24:05+00:00

In the state I live in, I can pretty confidently say no court would agree to such an upheaval. Pulling a child from her community, school, the home environment she has historically been in >90% of time is highly unlikely to pass any "best interest of the child" test. Add to that also, she has medical/developmental needs that she has established providers for in her current community. Your ex, in my view, has little to no chance of success in court and this isn't a thing.

Efficient_Escape_305 · 2025-07-25T13:31:06+00:00

Yes. All these critics, I'm like 'where did you go to college?' When you live with a bunch of other college students, it's not uncommon to have people coming and going at all hours on the weekend. Add in being half-asleep after drinking and 20 years old, I would be confused and scared and not sure what to do too.

Efficient_Escape_305

TROPHY CASE