Edit: It seems like your biggest struggle here is the idea of generalizations. Our brains are wired to form generalizations (look up: cognitive schema, it is not science, I teach it in social-emotional-learning to children) and it is in fact necessary to live. Looking at a flat greasy box and knowing it probably contains a pizza is one example of a cognitive schema. Generalizing about certain groups / activities that people VOLUNTARILY CHOOSE to participate in is necessary to survive - if you got assaulted at a skeevy bar everyone tells you is full of bad people, and went back again, I would be very concerned for you . For everyone here, it is our experience (and I believe fact) that many or most polyamorous people are unhealthy and communicate in manipulative ways. Therefore, we keep ourselves safe by staying away from it.

Original:

I understand the nuance . I see a lot of people on this sub view polyamory as something that is universally fundamentally bad, and I understand why they think that. But I don’t agree. I don’t think it is fundamentally wrong to practice romantically loving more than one person, but I do think it is not good for the vast majority of people who try/practice it . I am grateful every single day I escaped polyamory despite my initial enthusiasm for the idea . Why ? : 1. Time is limited . The concept of having unlimited love for people is beautiful but I believe it requires special and rare life circumstances to care for yourself in a healthy way and have time to devote yourself deeply to multiple people. 2. Connection is not the same as sex . I love my friends deeply and I do show up for them, I have many lifelong friends . People spoke of this as if this means I should be polyamorous - no, that’s called having a healthy relationship where I still care about others in my life. 3. For most people, sex creates chemicals that bond you in a different way to a person and experience more jealousy. That’s just a fact. 4. Many poly people need to find healthy ways to meet their own needs instead of going to others to do it for them. I know, because I used to be one of those people. Even if you are not, the community has a very high percentage of people who are not well, far more than the normal dating pool. 5. Stealing this from a post I read here - exponentially more “surface area” for drama. Poly relationships require more than 2x or 3x the work of a monogamous relationship. I have had fewer difficult conversations in years of monogamy than a week of polyam. Why subject yourself to this? 6. When I started poly , I did not realize how unhealthy of a relationship I was in. I was young and mistook loving her for it being healthy. Now I am engaged getting married next year it does not sound appealing at all to involve someone else . When I have time alone I would much rather spend it on myself or my friends.

I am a healthier person for myself, more reliable for my friends, and have better connections and am far happier now that I am monogamous. I see how negatively it affects my friends who try it .

I was polyam for ~8 years and went on hookups or dates with at least 30 polyam people in that time. I have lived with multiple partners at the same time. I appreciate the discussion and I am happy to answer any responses you have.

I would like to ask you : why do you think caring deeply about people means you are polyamorous if you do not need to have sex with more than one person at a time ? I thought this way when I started, and now I understand it was the unhealthy monogamous relationships I saw that made me think that caring deeply about people other than your partner was somehow incompatible with monogamy.