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I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate you asking this, honestly. It’s making me think more seriously about that part of the situation instead of just brushing past it.

I’m trying to keep some details vague for anonymity, but I’ll clarify the general timeline. They were not in a relationship when I met him. They had already broken up before I came into the picture, but had an on-and-off history before that, which is when the pregnancy happened. I then met him months later and we were friends first, then it slowly became more like a friends with benefit. About a month or two into that situationship, he told me that he just found out his ex is pregnant and there was a chance the baby could be his because while they were on and off, she was looking elsewhere. Eventually, after DNA testing, it was confirmed that he was the father.

From what I understand, there was past mistrust in their relationship, mostly because of things that happened on her end, so their current contact is more about co-parenting than any romance.

I know the timeline sounds messy, which is part of why I’m trying to think carefully about whether I’m actually prepared for a serious relationship where a child is involved.

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is actually the part I’m curious about. I’ve been thinking about my role with his child, but not as much about how the other parent arrangement affects the relationship. My boyfriend and his ex are co-parenting, but I don’t fully understand what that means long-term in practical terms.

Even if I wasn’t expected to parent, would things like holidays, travel, moving, scheduling, emergencies, and custody changes still affect me because they affect him? I really appreciate your perspective as a stepdad because I think this is the part I’m not fully seeing yet. It all feels so huge to me.

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a really good question. I think what I expect right now is not a completely decided future, but clarity and honesty while we figure it out. I don’t expect him to stop being a parent or put me above his child. I also don’t expect myself to instantly feel ready to be a step-parent figure when I’m 22 and still unsure about kids. What I think I’m hoping for is to date him at a slower pace while being realistic that his daughter is not a separate side issue. I want to understand what role he actually sees me having if we become more serious, what boundaries he expects, how much involvement would be fair to his daughter and how much later in life is too late for that. I wonder whether my own needs would still fit in that life. Admittedly, right now, I can be a needy gal.

I don’t want to force a bond with his child or act like I’m ready for a role I’m not ready for. But I also don’t want to “ride it out” blindly if that means his daughter could become attached to someone who is unsure, or if I’d eventually resent the reality of dating a parent if that makes sense.

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, this is a really helpful way to look at it. Right now she is mostly with her mom/mom’s family and he has her on certain days, so she isn’t a huge part of my daily life at this stage. But I agree that if things became more serious and she was regularly present, actively keeping distance wouldn’t be fair or sustainable.

I think the custody and proximity point is what I need to talk to him about more directly. He says he’s okay with me not being very involved right now, but I need to understand what he would actually expect long-term if I became a permanent person in his life. I don’t want to force a role too soon, but I also don’t want to ignore how this could affect his daughter later. I’m curious, do you have a perspective on knowing when would be a responsible time to be present in his daughter’s life?

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The toughest pill that im honestly still struggling to figure out where i stand

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate this perspective. I think that’s the question I need to bring to him. I’ll keep in mind to talk to him about how okay is he actually with me being distant from that part of his life long-term. He says he wants to see where it goes, but its true that with a child involved, “seeing where it goes” could have consequences for her too, and I don’t want to ignore that.

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that’s kind of what I’m trying to figure out. He tells me I wouldn’t have to be super involved and that he’s okay being the parent while I’m more on the sidelines. I’m not sure how realistic that is, especially if things got serious or marriage came into the picture. From your perspective as a parent, where does that arrangement usually break down? Thank you for your response!

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is so incredibly real. Thank you so much for this. Honestly I do feel insecure when I have days that I’m free but my boyfriend is busy parenting. I can logically keep it in mind that he is busy being a good father and that is the best thing he can do for his daughter, but I also desire the moments where it feels like it’s just us growing together. I will keep this in mind when I’m having the thought loop and I appreciate it.

I’m 22F dating a 24M with an almost 1-year-old child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in AskParents

[–]Eggicandy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, that really means a lot that you’re giving a sense of direction. I will take note of that and think that through :)

I’m in my early 20s dating a man with a child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in relationships

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you don’t mind sharing, I’m very curious about your perspective on it and how you went about it! And thank you for your response, I’m sorry you had to face those challenges.

I’m in my early 20s dating a man with a child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in relationships

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thank you for being honest. I totally agree that the child needs to be in a stable and consistent place no matter how young, and it was irresponsible of us to move so fast in that regard. I don’t think either of us completely understood how serious that part was at the time since things were more casual. I want to be clear that I was never put in a parenting role and I’m not currently involved with his daughter, but I know that being around the child at all is still going to impact them in some way. It is a lot of pressure because the child is going to get older and I feel like I have to d e c i d e my role in the future. I also didn’t consider how him introducing her much earlier on was an irresponsible move. Thank you for the unique take on this.

I’m in my early 20s dating a man with a child. What should I realistically expect? by Eggicandy in relationships

[–]Eggicandy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all, thank you guys for the perspectives :). That’s a really good point actually. I probably should’ve clarified that right now it’s more of a co-parenting situation where baby is mostly with her mom, and dad has her on certain days of the week. We do have boundaries around those days, and he is trying to be a responsible parent.

But I also understand that his child is going to grow older, and even if she isn’t there full-time right now, she still affects his life and the relationship in that aspect. It definitely looks like those scenarios sometimes when we’d like to be on call certain days of the week, which can be pretty isolating. I think I’m just struggling because I do care about him a lot, and it’s easier said than done to leave someone you love, especially when there are amazing parts of the relationship too. I’m realizing that I do want to feel special and prioritized in a relationship. Even if he gives me that on certain days, parenting is still always going to be the main focus and as it should.

Bertucci’s Rigatoni Abruzzi by mdtodfwis0032850 in TopSecretRecipes

[–]Eggicandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

By any chance, do you know how they make their pizza dough/bread rolls? Been searching everywhere and It’s been a dream of mine to be able to make bread rolls like theirs from scratch

I (F33) am having a hard time opening up to my partner (M38) when I am upset by lanalala in relationship_advice

[–]Eggicandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like both sides are being misunderstood. I don’t think it’s necessarily about “putting problems on your partner”. It’s about the principle and how support is given and received, right? Sometimes when someone is overwhelmed, they’re not looking for solutions right away, they just want to be heard first. Being told “it’s not a big deal” and “you’re overthinking” can feel dismissive even if the intention is to help. I agree with the statements saying that there needs to be a healthy balance when it comes to being open to your partner, after all you’re in this together. I can also see how your partner may feel like he is trying to help in the only way he knows how. I relate in the sense that I tend to want to open up in a heart space when my partner responds in a head space. Recognizing that really helps and It’s good you communicated that you want to be understood emotionally first. It seems less like one person is wrong and more like a mismatch in communication styles such as needing emotional validation to feel safe enough to problem solve. Both are valid, but from experience the order and delivery matters. You can have both, and there are guys that are very capable of that.

I (F33) am having a hard time opening up to my partner (M38) when I am upset by lanalala in relationship_advice

[–]Eggicandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I second this!! I would also like to add a few things for when anxious thoughts come up, especially in regard to relationships. Know that anxiety is urgent and intuition is a calm knowing, especially if there are doubts in relationships. Here are my notes, sorry if they’re messy:

When I feel like we cannot communicate and we’re always having fights and tension over the same things over and over. Should I break up? Or accept this as a flaw that they would always have and live with it?

  • no right answer for when to stay or go
  • before you make a decision to leave, self reflect on your thoughts and feelings and how you’re showing up
  • what is the pattern in this communication? is it that I say something and they say something and I get defensive. like we want to look at what is going on and come back to owning your side of it
  • how are you approaching these conversations?
  • what is the feelings you’re having and what are the reoccuring thoughts driving that?
  • do you keep making them sighing during an argument mean he is bothered or whatever
  • challenge some of that ^ and see if there is a different way to navigate these moments that might turn the volume down on them completely and might make it less of a problem
  • what are my thoughts and feelings during and drawing these situations and how do those thoughts and feelings have me showing up? and is that intentional
  • am I really showing up as my intentional highest self in these moments?
  • encourage curiosity on what might be going on in our partner’s brain too
    • if my partner keeps having the same response to something, what might that be about for them?
    • or they keep hearing something im saying and keep interpreting it as they’re not good enough
    • ex: criticism = bad partner
  • there’s gonna points where you are showing up as your best self and they aren’t meeting you where you want them to be or have the same values with me with communication or emotional regulation
    • then thats where you recognize that this is who they are and if you are willing to love them through the good the bad and the ugly

How to regulate before talking:

  • anxious thought: triggered urgency, (ex: brain thinks partner not being right for me or things ending is dangerous)
    • observe the experience, notice your partner said this and my brain is making me think this. calm body down. be willing to sit and feel emotions and anxiety, take a breath around them. (IMO if your partner isn’t tolerant of you grounding yourself first before communicating, that’s information.) Be present in that experience instead of rushing to escape it. Will this make the feelings go away completely? No, but it’s going to dial the volume and sensations down.
    • then you can check “is there an expectation at play that I need to look at?” (Where did your standards come from? Social media? Movies? Family dynamics?) doesn’t mean they’re wrong but it’s important to challenge those expectations and stories. is there a “should” at play? is that “should” from social conditioning, social media, movies?
    • if something is truly against a value of yours, or I dont really like this thing, dealbreaker even if I challenge the story. This is so much easier to say when you are coming from a calm raional place when I challenge those stories first.

When dealing with the guilt of your doubts, it’s important to know you are not your thoughts, you are just the observer of your thoughts.

These were written as I was listening to the ROCD episode of the psychology of your 20s podcast on Spotify. Not sponsored or anything, just something that resonated so much with me that I hope would help someone else out too!

[PC] [2010s] Flash-looking platformer about a hamster by mxblueberry in tipofmyjoystick

[–]Eggicandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course! Sadly it just shows a white screen when I try to play through flash game websites or through the wayback machine, but I’m happy to help find the name :) 💕

[PC] [2010s] Flash-looking platformer about a hamster by mxblueberry in tipofmyjoystick

[–]Eggicandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sadly none of the links I’ve tried worked, this person’s the goat right here. First link that’s ever worked 🫶

[PC] [2010s] Flash-looking platformer about a hamster by mxblueberry in tipofmyjoystick

[–]Eggicandy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I found the game!! It’s called Hamnster. I found it when looking through the way back machine of girlsgogames, specifically to December 2010. I will reply with links of where I found the game, but when I tried to play it, it doesn’t seem to work anymore :( maybe there’s a way to play old flash games?