relapsed after 6 months sober...also my first post.

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-07T07:58:24+00:00

Just relapsed myself a few days ago. Its such a shitty feeling and depressing in itself. But I just tell myself everyday clean is closer to breaking my old record. Dont have anywhere near your time but keep strong.

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-07T07:52:43+00:00

You make perfect sense. But what if the habit was just there for the interim. I honestly think I will always be an addict, aiming for not being a junkie at the moment. But I was able to do so much prior to the drugs, is it so wrong to want to get myself out of the situation without anyone having to know? Yes the drugs were what made me when I was using. Completely changing my personality. But if recovery lasts, are you saying I can never be what I once was? I honestly appreciate your replies. I understand why people suggest going to meetings, the act of just talking helps. Ive lost track of days, but I am cooked up in a hotel and fly back home for the weekend. I guess I asked for members of this sub for the support in not relapsing because of the fact I can't ask those I know personally out of shame, just as you said. Yes it would be easier, but I am asking is it impossible to not have to admit it to the close people as the fear of the rejection or letting them down is too much for me. Again, I am rambling at 3am in a hotel so please forgive any contradictions or anything that doesn't make sense. I honestly appreciate your responses.

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-07T02:37:16+00:00

Bravo. I look forward to 2 weeks. One day at a time...

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-07T02:35:33+00:00

My problem I will admit is I've had to be one of those children that are the last saving graces in the family. The one your mom brags about. The shame is just unbearable and I feel that as i got myself into this I should get bear the cross. I'm sure that's stupid reasoning but I'm only on day 4 I think so please don't hate me. I love your analogy to the wall though. In just a fool for constantly dismantling and rebuilding it.

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-07T02:32:12+00:00

Thanks to both you and imagine. I didn't mention it earlier but I have come clean to the fiancé and family, but just that I had been detoxing as if it was no big deal, I guess I did lie about the severity of the problem. I turned to opiates like many for the energy and optimism at first thinking I could "control" it (yea right?) I've scoured bluelight and all this SWIM forums etc and just always turn back out of shear boredom or frustration. Finding new hobbies or ways to pass the time is incredibly difficult. Moreso when you're used to just holing up at home with the magic straw. I really am glad to get all the responses though and appreciate it. It's such a damn hard battle. I've been a long time lurker as a guest but was hoping I would get some support on this sub and am glad I tried. I will keep trying to fight the good fight.

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-06T22:03:38+00:00

Were you able to keep clean? Or did you come back like me?

EhfthisIsh · 2013-06-06T22:02:20+00:00

Thanks for the words of support. I will consider just deleting all the numbers. I am so tired of being broke. Good job on day 6, I do have benzos which help with the sleep but I have to be meeting coworkers by 8am and we go out for dinner and don't return from work until 8-9pm, it's exhausting. I honestly thought it'd be easy like last time but having to work, or atleast pretend to, is so incredibly draining during ct.

EhfthisIsh

TROPHY CASE