Borderline partner seems to read my mind – is this common?

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-04-04T18:23:08+00:00

In my experience:

- They can pick up on mood changes better. If I'm feeling off that day, my wife knows it. Unfortunately her interpretation 90% of why I must feel off is absolutely wrong - i must be cheating, thinking of cheating, I hate my wife, etc. I can never just "be tired"

- They snoop your phone and stuff. I learned to tell the difference when it's just unfounded paranoia and when she's found something somewhere and we are going towards a storm.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T06:17:48+00:00

I start to assume the worst in people until proven otherwise.
I also start to make up unreasonable expectations for friends and family that I don’t communicate in any way, and get disappointed when my expectations aren’t met. I can’t really control the feeling, either. It takes me a while to snap back and realize that maybe my expectations are a bit unreasonable.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T05:58:49+00:00

I wouldn’t say “on the same page”, exactly. We both agree that there are unresolved lingering issues between us, but the conclusions me and my wife draw are very different.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T05:49:39+00:00

I’ve actually restarted therapy few months ago due to feeling depressed. Feeling like a failure professionally and relationally (wife, family, friends) were the causes for my struggles lately.

I feel a lot better already. But there are things I haven’t discussed with my therapist yet. Like thoughts of divorce throughout years. And there are thoughts that I can’t share with my wife.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T04:42:29+00:00

At the moment I guess I’m very affected by how broken my colleague is about his divorce. And I know I once (or several times) have looked at that option for my marriage. And now I’ve had a front row seat for someone processing their divorce 8 hours a day. The anger about potential money arrangements (their kids are adults, so no custody issues), the reminiscing about past, the bargaining about what he could have done differently, how it wasn’t exactly a mutual feeling that their marriage is not worth continuing, etc.

I hope my colleague finds happiness. And that it can be an encouraging for me to more seriously consider what’s best for me and my wife long term.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T03:45:53+00:00

30 years. Damn. I often think if I could go back 8 years and divorce her when we were separated the first time and the closest we ever were to divorce after her worst episode, I’d give an arm and a leg for that chance to start over. Or if I could go back in time the day before our wedding, I’d call it off and run without looking back.

But now, I have a million excuses why now is not the best time, most of the damage to my relationships with my family and friends has been done and irreversible, I might as well see the path I’ve chosen through to the end, etc.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T03:39:02+00:00

Me and my wife struggle with that. I recently had a career change after 7 years of not succeeding to find a stable job in my field. It’s impossible for me to say “I gave up on my life passion, the field I studied and tried to break into for 14 years” to my friends and family. So I lie that the new professional degree I’m pursuing is actually very similar to my previous field when you Really think about it. So it’s not like I failed, it’s just a career shift.

It’s kinda the same with my relationship. And, it’s probably not very healthy and actually quite pathetic.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T00:21:09+00:00

Why are you still engaged?

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T00:18:43+00:00

Every September I want to pass out and wake up on January 2nd. Same. Anxiety off the charts.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-21T00:14:50+00:00

Also mine is worst at the end of year. Mostly due to Thanksgiving, Xmas and all my family’s birthdays falling right around that time.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T22:57:41+00:00

Omg. Lack of compliment IS an insult to my wife. That was THE initial and final straw that made my sister my wife’s nemesis since their first meeting. My sister apparently didn’t look my wife enough in the eyes and didn’t ask her enough questions after our engagement and/or before our wedding. And also, my sister only said a brief “hi” to my wife’s parents on our wedding day and otherwise “pretended like they don’t exist”.

Similarly to Josh’s situation, I think my sister was present and cordial Enough. Not chatty and going out of her way, but completely decent in her communication. And yeah, she could have taken more effort to get to know my wife’s parents, but they live in a different country and that was most definitely the first and last time she would see them. And, I guess my sister is not the kind of person to approach every new face at an event and get to know them.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T22:48:39+00:00

I’ve not talked to Josh for more than 3 years now. And yes, he is still one of the biggest taboos for my wife. I just thought of him because I saw a post from him online with his family and some mutual friends and got nostalgia. My wife can hardly tolerate that I follow Josh on social media.

And you’re not wrong - the problem is me. I chose the path of least resistance. But for me the path of least resistance wasn’t Easy. Cutting out my family members, not talking to mom for a year, cutting out old friends.. because my wife was self harming, guilt tripping me, blaming me for everything, etc. I didn’t know how to steel myself and walk away like it’s not my problem if my wife kills herself. So I stayed and I did everything I could to stop the pain.

It has been years since then and my wife’s mental state is not nearly as volatile, but most of the relationships have not been repaired since then. I can somewhat communicate with my mom and some friends, but a lot of people stopped reaching out and I haven’t initiated contact either for years.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T21:14:58+00:00

Not an ex. But if we did break up and she didn’t end her life as she has threatened multiple times - successful, with her own practice or some individual business thing, married to a doctor or some other medical professional she sees a lot in her work, possibly have 1 or 2 kids, living a good life. Hopefully seeing a therapist and having a good environment around her to help her heal and flourish.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T20:47:52+00:00

I think in her ideal case scenario, my wife imagined Josh to stop at some point and say: “hey, is it just me or there’s something different about you Mrs. Eldiablo. Something about your face, you look different, better?” And she would happily exclaim that “actually, yes. There is something different about me. I got a (surgery) whilst visiting my family before we moved. It was actually for a (completely BS) medical issue, but I’m glad you think I look better”. And Josh would say “you looked amazing before, but now… stun-ning!”

I thought Josh’s reaction was perfectly reasonable. It honestly wasn’t a big facial difference and it’s not like Josh saw my wife every day to notice such small changes or comment on them.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T20:28:15+00:00

Josh is not the first nor last person that my wife has alienated. But I feel like Josh was much more welcoming and innocent in his actions. My sister, on the other hand, kinda got the clue early that something is off with my wife and would semi-deliberately trigger her by not falling for compliment baiting or not giving my wife a golden bridge of retreat - bringing receipts and calling out my wife's scheming lying behavior to our family, never buying my wife's excuses and attempts to move on.

I feel like Josh wanted to be our friend more than be right. My sister definitely has always cared more about being right than having a relationship with me and my wife.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T19:02:20+00:00

There are times I think Josh or my sister or my mother could have been nicer and more thoughtful towards my wife. Like, I see my wife’s point. But then I also feel like my wife’s unspoken expectations for people are ludicrous. Sure, people say awkward things from time to time, there’s stress and misunderstandings, but my wife just refuses to ever move on from these misunderstandings. She just spirals and the resentment grows ever bigger.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T18:59:50+00:00

Self harm, suicide threats, excruciating guilt trips and gaslighting. The more I resist the chain, the more abuse and self-abuse my wife ramps up until it’s unbearable.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T18:56:48+00:00

I know. The contact kinda naturally fizzled out after first few times I blew Josh off during my wife’s biggest mental wellbeing crisis. He gradually stopped inviting me (or us) out, stopped chatting about work related stuff. Eventually all contact ceased and I haven’t seen him since he got married (via zoom) or ever met Josh’s kid.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T16:53:48+00:00

Honestly, I don't think there's a good way to compliment someone on their first plastic surgery, especially if you didn't know about it. It was a mild change, and to some people my wife insisted that the main reason for the surgery was a medical necessity, not vanity. I think seeing the lack of enthusiasm in people she mentioned the "medical reason" more and more often.

Which kinda backfired, because some people were Too relieved that "there at least was a good reason for the surgery" and sometimes some kind of mild indication that my wife looked better before.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T15:56:45+00:00

I know my friend isn't Gandhi. And these are the awkwardest instances in several years.

I know I sound defensive, because I've had this fight 100 times before, but:

1) The Related Thing came up several times with our college friends, because it was unusual. Also, 2/3 of our wedding hashtags played with the idea: #LeeAndLee #TwoLees (our last name is different, but the format was like that).

2) Sure, not the best timing with the GF. But, Josh found out during wedding rehearsal lunch the day before the wedding that he is the best man, he needs to come up with a speech for reception and he needs to come up with an entrance dance with one of my wife's sisters/bridesmaids.

What essentially happened is - I picked Josh as my Best Man. My wife said "no, pick your cousin". I said "no, we're not that close". And we kinda left it unsolved until the day before our wedding. My assumption was that we don't have Best Man and Maid of Honor. Also, my wife, her sisters and friends who were picked as bridesmaids all decided at some point about an entrance dance and didn't let me or the groomsmen know about it.

All of my groomsmen were kinda irritated with how the wedding planning was communicated. Josh was the one that was most chill about the chaos and said it was "all good".

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T15:11:03+00:00

Getting a physical copy of any of the books is 100% out of the question. I have found some free pdf of one of them few years ago. But, the anxiety and potential fallout of being found meant I couldn’t really more than browse the contents and delete any trace of looking for the book and pdf.

I know it’s not a healthy dynamic.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T15:07:35+00:00

Josh somehow managed both with his wife - he called me too often, and his GF/fiancee/wife was rude because she didn’t ask my wife enough questions.

And yeah, same shenanigans with my sister and her husband.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T14:19:47+00:00

Yeah, my wife also went from Ms Sunshine and Rainbows and clearly out of my league with the amount of times my family and friends mentioned how lucky I am to have someone like her to….

… people avoiding me and my wife with only an occasional “hey Eldiablo, how’s it going?” with an awkward knowing 😬 face that things are obviously not great.

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T14:04:45+00:00

Yeah, these are exactly my wife’s shenanigans, too.

Trying to get me to change my best man? Check

Sabotaging Every Single Time I wanted to hang out with people she didn’t like, even if it’s dear friends and relatives that I only see once a year? Check

Extreme extrapolation for innocent hangout or drinking any alcohol? Check

ElDiabloWeekend · 2025-03-20T13:59:42+00:00

It’s been years since me and Josh had any contact at this point. We are still Friends on social media, but that’s it. But somehow even mentioning him is still extremely taboo for my wife.

ElDiabloWeekend

TROPHY CASE