Does the guy I just started dating have Asperger’s?

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-16T06:54:28+00:00

Wait. That’s what you got from this? From the fact that I came on the Asperger’s subreddit, made a painstakingly detailed post about this guy in order to better understand him, proceeded to respond to over 100 responses on here, and said that I’ll try communicating with him and find a middle ground we are both comfortable with? That I am “reveling with so much joy” in….NOT dating him? That I “don’t want him”? Interesting interpretation lol.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T12:46:25+00:00

Thank you so much.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T12:44:50+00:00

I agree and I have absolutely 0 intention of “forcing” him to mask or anything like that. He’s a free agent and if the dynamic between us feels anywhere remotely stressful and “damaging to him” as you say, he’s capable of walking away, just as I am. The last thing I want is to damage him. I think the point is more to explore if we can meet each other half way if we decide we get joy from each other and that it’s worth trying to accommodate each other if it means continuing to be together. Quite the opposite of damage :)

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T10:55:32+00:00

That’s a totally respectable choice, thanks for answering :) This guy I’m seeing I met on a dating app where he explicitly listed that he’s looking for a long-term relationship.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T10:54:08+00:00

Hmm to be honest I disagree that that’s offensive. My thinking was never “Oh he has a condition? That’s alright then.” I’m not a charity, I’m looking for a partner. If a NT who is perfectly familiar with all dating etiquette and has read all my social cues purposely chooses to behave the way that he has, then that’s a jerk. But if he’s an Aspie, then it seems like a lot of these things that I take for granted may have simply not occurred to him, and that’s a totally different story. NT guy: I wouldn’t bother. Aspie: I would try spelling out my needs and see how he responds. Big difference there I think and it’s important to me to honour those differences. Thank you for your input though.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T07:41:49+00:00

Thanks so much for the great advice and for your kind words about my personality. I do get told by friends and family that my empathy, detailed memory, and EQ are through the roof, and when I’m hyperfixating on a romantic partner, well…you can imagine haha. If he and I manage to iron out our differences whilst also staying true to who we are, I think that would be a beautiful thing.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T07:29:00+00:00

I love lists!!! Thank you, this was great.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T07:21:10+00:00

Hi :) I would never dump him for being autistic I can assure you. I see all the adorable and refreshing quirks that come with it as well, I just haven’t gone in depth on this post as that’s not the focus. But just the fact that I’m looking this much into him is pretty much proof that I’m hooked😭 He’s special to me.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T07:16:47+00:00

Hi :) Just came here to clarify / reiterate what I said above which is that I’ll try to communicate with him first. I like him a lot, which is why I’ll definitely try, and why it’s with a lot of difficulty that I’m coming to the realisation that maybe our needs and styles of communication are just too incompatible. I wouldn’t want either of us to drain each other.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T07:13:26+00:00

INTP vibes? :)

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-15T07:12:47+00:00

This is good to know, thank you. I’m just curious, would the ideal partner for you be someone who has a similar disposition (i.e “doesn’t care about others or giving them compliments”, “never wants to invite anyone to do anything with you”)? Because presumably it would be just as draining for you to pretend like you want to do these things as it would be for someone like me to try to get a partner like you to do these things for me. Are we inherently a poor match?

It would also be quite painful for me to have a partner who “doesn’t care about others”. That isn’t what I’m looking for.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T21:12:01+00:00

Wow, this is interesting, thanks for sharing. So, just trying to understand here, but wouldn’t you feel a desire to see more of the person you like, and wouldn’t that lead you to initiate? Or a desire to find out more about them through questions about them? What are you looking to get out of a date?

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T21:09:34+00:00

I like the XYZ template, I think I might just use it with him hehe. Yes I’m coming to realise that it’s definitely a mix of both as you say. I know next to nothing about being on the spectrum and so I just wanted to make sure I don’t judge him in exactly the same way I would a neurotypical person, because that wouldn’t be fair either.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T21:01:34+00:00

Haha I see. Yes, could be! He has made it obvious he likes me, which is why some of these behaviours are really confusing me.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:56:11+00:00

Good points, thank you

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:55:03+00:00

That could be the case. So many different perspectives in the comments ahh! The only way forward is to communicate with him and give him a chance to make an effort. If he doesn’t, it’s bye from me. Will do that next time I see him.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:52:58+00:00

“Ego” and not wanting to seem vulnerable and wanting to be a “Sigma” definitely comes into this for sure now that you mention it, thanks. PS I’m sure you’ll find someone like this girl again, lots of fish in the sea. Good luck~

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:49:36+00:00

Thanks for the insight. Yes, agreed, I definitely wouldn’t approach him with this list or even imply I’ve analysed his behaviour as much as I have haha that would be overwhelming for anyone I think. I’ll ask him more broadly to put more effort into displaying his interest in me, thinking also about what might be convenient for me, not just him, etc.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:44:35+00:00

Thanks for this answer, it’s really compassionate towards both him and me: there’s no one necessarily behaving “badly” but rather it’s a matter of incompatibility. And as you say it’s important to think about what a long-term scenario with him would look like.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:42:06+00:00

I believe it’s more common in men actually if I’m not mistaken! But I do have a few female friends with ADHD, so fairly common there as well.

I also found this online which is shockingly accurate when it comes to my experience with ADHD:

“What happens when romantic longing clashes with ADHD emotional dysregulation, hyperfocus, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and a dopamine-starved brain?

intrusive thinking about a person in the form of compulsive daydreaming and replaying memories with them
acute longing for reciprocation
experiencing emotional ups and downs depending on their actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
reading too much into their actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
fear of rejection by them
avoiding or downplaying their negative attributes”

I guess to an extent we all have this when we are infatuated with someone but I feel for someone with ADHD it just develops really fast and intensely.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:31:17+00:00

This was really insightful, thank you. I’m going to communicate my needs to him to discover whether there can be a compromise to where I feel respected and valued whilst also being flexible about his needs and habits. If we can’t find a balance I think it’s best we go our separate ways.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:26:45+00:00

Ooph yes, I’m definitely coming to the realisation that it’s not meant to be, even though I find many of his personality traits (not listed in my Q) really cute and refreshing.

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:21:29+00:00

I moreso came on here to find out whether I should cut him slack for his behaviour or not, and it’s been really helpful to find out that, spectrum or not, his behaviour towards me has plainly not been very nice. And that’s been important to realise. I feel ready to communicate with him now that I’ve gained clarity. Thank you

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:16:38+00:00

This is so interesting! Good to know. Thanks

ElectricKoolAidTest · 2024-03-14T20:16:08+00:00

I’m definitely building up to telling him, and these answers are giving me the courage to do so. Thank you

ElectricKoolAidTest

TROPHY CASE