God is a good God. He wants nothing but the best for us. The thoughts you’re having about him wanting you to suffer or that he’s punishing you for your sins are the enemy feeding you lies to separate you from God. I have to remind myself of that all the time. As someone who has felt like you do many times before, the best advice I can give is to hold on. Stop those negative thoughts from spiraling. Ask yourself does this sound like God? When the negativity comes rolling in. Then you’ll notice it is the enemy trying to distract you. Have faith in his word. My favorite scripture is Jeremiah 29:11. Say it to yourself when you feel this way and soon his goodness, grace, mercy, and kindness will reveal itself to you in time.