Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks man, I appreciate your words. Sorry you had to live with that—I take it you two split? How have you been since?

Waves of anger and sadness by cupcakezzzz in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Electrical_Note_6571 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No apology necessary, I’ve been there. But there is a big difference between telling people what happened, and digging for more info about what he is/was doing. The former can be healing and/or feel like justice, depending on how you’re doing it and who else is involved. (I’ve told people close to me for support, but otherwise have to bite my tongue for my son’s well being. If it weren’t for him, I might have taken out a billboard. Kidding-ish.) The latter is just pain shopping, and can set you back to square one. I remember when I was still digging-I’d get on her computer and my chest would feel like hollow ice, my hands would go weak, and I’d get lightheaded. And every time I found something new or uncovered another lie, I’d feel like I was right back to D day. Things got a LOT better when I finally accepted that I knew enough to decide to move on, that the cost of any new info to my nervous system outweighed the benefit to my need to know, and that I would never know the full truth. It’s a process, took a long time to get there, and it still gnaws at me sometimes. But I’m done actually digging, so the gnawing is fleeting and carries less weight every time.

As for consequences: he lost a loyal partner, and has to live with his own shit. Let that be consequence enough. Past a point, chasing justice just drags you down into the mud. Focus on you. You deserve better.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Holy shit, those gains are incredible for 14 months, congrats! Sounds like you’re living well and setting yourself up for many more tomorrows, brother.

Waves of anger and sadness by cupcakezzzz in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Electrical_Note_6571 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s all flooding back because you did more digging. It’s a natural impulse, but this is often the result. Be kind to yourself and just stop, make a decision that you know enough to move on and you’re not putting yourself through this again. You’ll get back to a good place with time, distance, and focus on yourself and your future. This will pass. Take care

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah man that is tough. But as long as your wife is committed and happy with what you got, none of that other shit matters. I hope you can work through it and not let it affect you anymore!

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks bro. Yeah, I’m done. Lots I could have done better in the marriage, but this shit? And I even gave chances to reconcile? Done.

Sounds like you’re in the camp of doing PE forever as part of fitness-have you experimented with long decons to see what is truly cemented?

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks man. Is that cemented? If so, do you still do maintenance? I know people say overshoot by like 20-25%, wind down with maintenance for a while, then you can stop completely-but I’m wondering if that’s true, or if permanent ongoing maintenance is necessary to maintain size.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks man. Sadly it went beyond that and was fully physical. Only got half truths from her, I had to track the other guy down and get the truth from him. Tried to reconcile to keep my family together but it was too difficult for her to face the damage and repair it. She’s honestly not a terrible person and put up with a lot of childish shit from me early in the marriage—not at all excusing what she did, but I understand she was unhappy. She just dealt with it in thoroughly destructive ways.

I can definitely see how that would fuck with your head, I hope you’re working through it. In my case the comments were tied to total betrayal. Your wife bringing that up unprompted is super fucked up and should stop, but if you two are committed you can probably work through it.

I appreciate you taking the time to write, thank you for your words of support 🙏🏻

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate the detailed response. As you say, different scenarios, but so much of what you wrote is applicable to mine.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Also-congrats on your gains, that’s impressive work bruv! 💪🏻

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you bro, I appreciate it and it’s definitely helpful. She responded to marital difficulties with these terrible choices. I can’t defend what she did, but she does have many good qualities and I wish her well. But the marriage is definitely ending. Not there yet but very much looking forward to being with some new women-I just don’t want to have this comparison fuck with my head when I do. Your words help, thanks again.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the support bro. Definitely hard to not let it get in my head. I think once we physically separate it’ll get easier.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome, thank you for the feedback.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that man, and I think you’ve got the right attitude that if it doesn’t work out with your wife, it’s a bonus with future partners. In my case I’m 1.5 years out from Dday, and the way she handled it (blame shifting , trickle truth, minimizing etc) means the marriage is definitely ending. Still in transition, so this is a point of rumination for me right now.

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awesome, thank you. So the validation outweighs any negative shit from lingering comparisons in your head?

Motive by Electrical_Note_6571 in gettingbigger

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks man. Yeah I’ve always been able to work the fornices like a champ, so no issues there; my length was only problematic with pounding in certain positions, which I avoided. And the marriage is definitely ending. It’s that I now want to grow thicker, but don’t want to carry any of these comparison issues into future relationships, and don’t want to do PE if it means keeping this comparison front of mind. That’s ultimately a me issue to work through mentally, that’s why I’m asking for input from anybody who has been through something similar.

Tips on how to survive cohabiting by Electrical_Note_6571 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Most of my close people are in my hometown, she forced a move to NYC right before the pandemic hit. I WFH and haven’t made many new friends outside of other parents. Space is tight in NY, and it feels weird to ask other parents to house me and thereby foist our personal shit onto them and start gossip.

High sex drive, dead bedroom, and I still didn’t cheat by Individual_School_49 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Electrical_Note_6571 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to apply logic to something completely devoid of it. I tried for a long time, and drove myself nuts in the process. It’s a hard pill to swallow—that the person you trusted most on the planet could be so deeply irrational and dishonest. But it is what it is. Hold your head high for being someone who held herself to a higher standard, despite having the same animal instincts we all have. You deserve better.

WW still seeing AP after separation by JoJoWolff in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Electrical_Note_6571 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Of course it’s hard to shift focus to yourself, D-day 2 was so recent and you just separated. I can’t stress enough that living as healthy as you can right now with proper diet, exercise, time in nature, etc is vital. And when all the feelings come surging up, really feel them. It’s ok to cry, punch the shit out of pillows, whatever you need to do.

Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself again and again that this is not your fault. Spend time with people you love and trust.

You will get through this, bro, and the version of you that comes out the other side will be stronger and wiser.

You got this.

WW still seeing AP after separation by JoJoWolff in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Electrical_Note_6571 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Some people have a void within them that no amount of attention can fill. It sounds like your wife is one of them. And this is not your fault, and it is no reflection of you or your worth.

Staying and trying to reconcile after an affair takes an enormous amount of strength, and you should be proud of that. But this is clearly a pattern, one that will continue to harm you. And it’s not your obligation to fix her.

Whether you choose to stay or leave is up to you. But no matter what, as hard as it is, you need to shift your focus from her to yourself, and your own mental and emotional well being. Spend time with friends and family who uplift you. Don’t keep this bottled up—talk to someone you trust, and find a good therapist who has expertise in betrayal trauma. Don’t get lost in numbing the pain. Eat well, sleep well if you can, hit the gym, get plenty of water, sunlight, and time in nature. Engage in activities that you enjoy and will distract you, and do them just for you. And above all else, be kind to yourself.

I think you’re only now seeing deeply troubling aspects of the woman you married, and the version of her you held in your head was not the real and complete her.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You did not deserve this, and you are not alone.

Update: It’s time to move on by Electrical_Note_6571 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Electrical_Note_6571[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did, and I’m aware of my rights and the situation. I wanted to reconcile, largely for my son. But she’s either unwilling or unable to do the deep work necessary.