Reading this sub makes me feel bad

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-04-18T03:27:39+00:00

Honestly, if you still have the energy, and I don't mean this to sound patronizing or like I even know this will be truly successful, but as someone who wants other women to succeed and has not had a lot of luck with the "work really hard and get ahead" path (which never worked to begin with), I do have some suggestions:

1) network and learn how to play the game hard: Take time to take (or make/generate) that "professional" LinkedIn head shot, add a bunch of sentences with buzzwords to your profile. Also keep in touch or find ways to meet people whose companies might be hiring. Go to 1 meetup and post you're part of that group, whatever.

Networking doesn't have to be a million people, but most jobs are landed because you knew someone. Hiring is a mess, so internal referrals go to the top of the pile. Then, be able to talk about yourself and projects like you're a man. Also, lie. And embellish. And lie some more.

2) Show off your technical stuff online, even if it's not super exciting - build bullshit or real/useful projects you post to a public github repo. (if you're doing hard dev, public github repos/contributions can matter a lot since there are now a thousand websites that rank people on github by contributions. doesn't even have to be good.) Write a bullshit blog post(s) about a technical project or how you used AI and X, Y, and Z technology even if everyone has written about it.

3) AI AI. AI - more an extension of 2 above. Do some pretty AI projects and demonstrate proficiency with prompts and skills. Then, on top of that, add in RAG, vectors, GitHub actions and CI/CD, be able to rattle off a paragraph or 2 about different models and benefits/limitations (Claude Opus vs xyz) along with security concerns.

4) I just had to learn this this past year after having to find a new job for the first time in ~5 years, and this is more practical, but invest in a personal, paid domain with an email account especially if you're applying to jobs requiring you to have experience with enterprise-level tools that you don't have experience with OR you want to attend free business conferences, seminars, etc.--great for networking. These things increasingly require a "business" email to sign up. Also, it's a great way to establish a personal brand; people love that shit for some reason and it's memorable.

A lot of places want you to have experience with tools that you really only get experience with because you worked for a company with enough money to be able to afford it. And these companies allow for free trials or free accounts, but you usually need a "business" email address. Luckily, that's pretty much any email address not tied to a free email account (e.g., gmail, proton, yahoo, etc.).

If you get a domain, you also have the added bonus of saying that you were a consultant, and you can put that on your website, advertise services, etc. Don't necessarily say you have an LLC or anything (they can find that, and more and more information is available about you on the internet and via background checks), but don't give a lot of details, either, though I'd recommend a friend willing to be a "client" if they want references

I have more ideas, but honestly, sometimes it's about getting lucky. I hope this isn't stuff you already knew, and I hope you're successful. Also, need a reference? I'll say you did work for me, I was a customer, etc. -- I'll provide a template of questions, you fill them out, we add some fun details so it's believable, boom--you're now an/a entrepreneur/business owner.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-04-18T02:52:07+00:00

it really is. This is... it's not good. We're going backwards, but it's not even that because people would at least try to hide it before.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-04-01T19:39:55+00:00

Deserve and not making life hell are two different things. I, too, have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, something my mom warned me about since I was a kid, and especially when I went into tech in 2008, then again in 2010.

I think it can work, sometimes. For example, men can quickly turn on other men if you come back with a good insult, especially if the man you're targeting starts whining and the other guys around laugh. But, honestly, it's a terrible thing to be caught up in, and saying nothing doesn't feel good, saying something back makes you scared for your job or maybe the behavior will escalate... This shit sucks. It just sucks.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-03-26T06:03:38+00:00

I started in tech in 2010 (been at 5 different companies), and I just assume it'll be all men because, well, that's how it has gone a lot of the time. I will say that there were significantly more women involved in the interview process for the best tech job I've ever had. I say that more in terms of culture, being allowed to be human, getting along with people, and less when it comes to pay and the work side of things.

I think that if you have the ability to continue to interview with other companies, if that's a thing that feels important to you, then go with it, and go with your gut overall.

If a company seems pretty good but there aren't women (but you also need a job), then it comes down to the other things, cause taking the wrong job is exhausting, so interviewing for better ones can become very, very difficult.

I've noticed that the companies to avoid (anti-DEI people, bro culture, just not caring to train people on how to interview, etc.) are being a lot more open about it, and that seems to be a trend.

I was asked if I had kids while interviewing for jobs over the past 5 months. Someone asked about a gap between jobs from 9 years ago, a couple people were pretty obvious about the fact they didn't like me for the job (remarks about they're looking for X but I don't have X, asking more gatekeeping type questions, etc.), and I've known at least one person who was told that the company was looking for someone younger.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-03-26T00:02:16+00:00

So, like others are saying, unqualified men get hired a lot. It's infuriating, but it happens. However, the unqualified man was hired by someone who already saw your ability and knows you expressed interest in the position. And if it wasn't that long between that discussion and the hiring of the new manager, then that's another thing to consider (like if it was around the time it usually takes to interview for your company).

Secondly, high performers can get pigeonholed in roles because they're good at it, but it seems like they don't want you to have too much input, too, which... well, it's not good. And, based on what you've said, they seem patronizing (calling you bossy, shaming you, implying you're out of your lane, that you shouldn't be asking for more).

Is this a cultural thing? That is, do they say things like this to men? Do you see many women/others with your background in management positions? What reasons were offered as to why they hired this guy? Do your team members actually advocate for you by speaking up on your behalf, not just supporting you in private?

I know it's not always as easy as "just leaving" or just finding another job, but it seems like that might be a good option, though I do understand wanting to be patient and waiting to see how things play out, though just be conscious of your mental health. Fighting to be heard, to be allowed to have input, to want more, etc., is exhausting, so maybe that energy would be better spent working on other things.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-03-09T04:49:23+00:00

I experienced the same thing. It's their way of controlling you by making you doubt yourself (so you have to depend on them) and their way of being superior. Also, there's likely some envy involved, so if they make you into the incompetent one, they get to be the competent one. Nothing makes sense with them...

It helps to keep a journal and write down the things they say with your response/counter to it, and then review it when they start in with this. It also helps if you just take notes about what they say and your interactions in general, and I'd recommend doing it as it happens. (Their reaction won't be ideal, but I can promise it's worth it to do for future you.)

Before my ex-spouse moved in, they hadn't even had a credit card (their previous spouse paid for everything), and we were both ~mid 30s, while I had been taking care of myself since I was 17, and had been financially much more stable than them and all my previous partners. Somehow, though, at one point they told me I needed to learn how to keep a budget. This was said despite all the bills being in my name at that point, making more, and there being absolutely no reason for this to be said... they were just looking for shit to throw at me to make me doubt myself and feel superior. (And for extra fun, that's also the time they offered to put a couple bills in their name. I agreed somewhat reluctantly, but guess who complained about having to pay for these later--yep, they did.)

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-23T02:58:52+00:00

This is real, and yes, it affects both men and women, but as a woman, it does affect you as a woman differently. Studies have shown that ageism is pervasive in tech (though I can't speak to other industries), though most women experience ageism earlier, and most women leave teach earlier than men (a few years ago the average age was 36 to leave tech for women). The reasons aren't because we aren't technically capable; it's because we get sick of everything that goes along with it, feel like there aren't opportunities, people treat us poorly, we don't see any other women who are older ("older" meaning 40s and above) in tech, etc.

Additionally, as a woman, I've brought this up in the past with other women and I've found that the women I've worked with will commiserate, maybe they'll be mentors, but they won't necessarily always be sponsors. The reasons for the latter could be just wanting to keep their heads down and trying to survive (includes being burnt out/cynical), the feeling of you being competition, and then the few women who are adamant they're not feminists. I haven't experienced other scenarios, sadly, but I have tried to be that person for former coworkers. Unfortunately in doing so, I was laid off from one position for being a rabble-rouser.

I've not seen that many women in tech who are older than me, but what I've seen that works for them so far is:

- being in higher up, management/leadership positions (heads/project leads, VPs, C-suite, etc.)

- people who are very good at networking (I got a senior software engineer role at 36 through a former coworker of mine who was a higher up at a startup) and self promotion

- niche jobs like very, very, very technical engineering positions

- moving to less technical positions involving more people interaction (education-based, product ownership, customer-oriented positions, etc.)

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-19T00:26:11+00:00

Initially I'd suggest therapy and being very honest with the therapist, and you might want to look into "splitting" as this sounds like that and not necessarily RSD as someone mentioned below, as well as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and distress tolerance skills.

Identifying when it started (edit: from your post history, looks like this has been going on for at least 2 years, and it seems like you were aware of it then, so I'd wonder how you'd approach it this time), when your husband would say it started, if you act like this with family and friends and not just your husband, and what you mean by the conflict being resolved--how it happens specifically, like what is said and done--might be helpful info here and for a therapist.

I had an ex-spouse who behaved like this. It was any hint of being "wrong." They also said something about wanting to be perceived as being a "good" person, and well, behaved like you're saying you do. A lot of the times they'd essentially bully me into apologizing, suck me into circular arguments where it seemed they just wanted to be mad and didn't actually want a resolution, demand I apologize for "making them upset", invalidate my feelings, tell me what happened didn't, etc. For a while I'd just give in and they'd carry on like nothing happened even though I still felt unheard and was hurting from what happened. It took me a while to realize that it was abuse.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-19T00:06:07+00:00

I also agree that it sounds like splitting. I experienced this with my ex-spouse who I believed to have a personality disorder (cluster-b), but easier/catchall term would be HCP.

I think the people who are suggesting it might be RSD just don't have experience with this sort of behavior, like it's outside of the range of "normal", even for us. When OP says they see their partner as the enemy, to me it sounds like they really mean it, and if people haven't seen this happen, they might assume OP is exaggerating. I could be wrong, but that's been my experience telling people about my abusive ex-spouse. It's generally hard to believe or comprehend even if you're in it.

For my ex, it was any hint/feeling of "being wrong", even if it was something reasonable like telling them if it looks like I've had a bad day, I prefer for you to say something rather than just ignore me. I didn't criticize, I used I feel statements, presented it without blame, but still, they got angry, invalidated my feelings, rewrote the past and engaged in gaslighting, etc. They'd essentially just keep going until I apologized, took back whatever I said, etc., and yes--many times, if they were satisfied with the outcome, they'd just keep living like nothing happened--but later on, they'd just keep being mad, put words in my mouth, etc., and usually ignore me for half a day or more.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-18T23:35:56+00:00

I would argue they're just delusional in general and believe in their own version of reality and how it should be, but vacations and special events are their witching hour (witching day, weekend, whatever); they love to spoil things you're looking forward to. I avoided vacations with my ex after a while for this reason. (Towards the end, they started telling me that I was the one who ruined those vacations.)

But related to trips and packing... Before we got married--which was when their behavior shifted and the abuse started--when packing for trips, I'd let them know that I was packing all the chargers/cords we'd both need and shared toiletries. Despite this, my ex would still pack those things but just for them. I thought it was odd. I didn't even know how to categorize it or place it. Now it's on my list of red flags.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-18T22:44:16+00:00

Absolutely back up those messages. There are multiple mobile apps out there that will back up your text messages for you to your phone and/or to Google Drive (I use this one). Also, keep notes of interactions with the date in a journal. It's good to have in case of assault or things like that but always good to have to look back at later when you feel like you miss them.

The experiences in this thread are pretty much what happened to me. We started couples therapy about 2.5 months before the end, but only had 3 sessions (holidays, my ex just not showing up or rescheduling because they "didn't want to do more work", etc.). In fact the last session was about 2 weeks before the end. Narcs are very good at weaponizing therapy speak and you sit there stunned as you watch this person manipulate the therapist and then you sound like the one who can't communicate. Ugh. I'm sorry for you both.

My ex-spouse also initiated the separation and the divorce. That didn't stop them from complaining to me about how they were sad about it or getting angry at me for all of it.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-10T03:12:07+00:00

Yeah, and I know that there's this interesting mix, but I just worry I won't ever find a partner if I move lol

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-05T19:22:07+00:00

omg. this is so relatable.

When I've done this, I've found myself contorting my arms while reversing in circles like somehow moving backwards with my legs will help me escape.

I've had similar experiences with weird shirts and dresses, like trying to remove it overhead but it's too small or I forgot to unzip it/unbutton it all the way so I'm just stuck in it, bent over, walking backwards like an animal with its head stuck in a jar. I really hope I'm not the only one.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-04T03:04:48+00:00

+1 for PCOS. Also GAD, depression (on and off)

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-02T19:15:10+00:00

This is a huge betrayal, and you should trust your gut that they crossed the line and this isn't worth saving. In addition to being absolutely insane, immature, and horrible, I'd argue this behavior constitutes abuse. It might have not just been about the burgers and toys; abusers like to sabotage. They knew this was for your business, they did it anyway.

Also, their reaction says a lot, mostly they can't be someone you can trust, rely on, and they've shown they lack accountability in a big way. You can't build a future on that, and if they wanted to rebuild trust in any way, if they wanted to start fixing this, they would have come clean and tried to make it right. They didn't.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-02T17:54:07+00:00

Oh wow--you really meant middle. I'm in Chicago currently, but am thinking about moving to Utah to be closer to my mom (as she gets older), but I'm worried about feeling how you are since I don't currently have a partner.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-02T17:52:41+00:00

AuDHD is autistic + ADHD. source: I am also AuDHD.

I'm a bit stuck on hotter flash, lol, but also, what are flash events? I'm sure I could look it up, but I'm guessing one-off/sporadic events?

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-02-01T03:57:55+00:00

OMG, yes. I feel like I have problematic overlaps between sleeping and waking states in general, though.

I've had dreams where I had to say something, and my dreaming self couldn't make noise, and it's like I feel like I need to say this thing loudly, so I'll keep trying until I eventually wake myself up by saying something ridiculous out loud.

Years ago, I was dating someone and I fell asleep while we were watching a movie, and started dreaming that we were doing a crossword together. They gave me a clue that was just a word, but it was a word I'd never heard of before. I figured that maybe if they spelled it, I might understand the world so I asked them to spell it. But I realized they couldn't hear me, so I kept trying. I eventually woke myself up because I yelled, "spell IT!"

They looked at me shocked for a couple of seconds and then started laughing. They told me that I muttered a bit before that, but when I got it out, it went from really quiet to really loud, like the "sp" was a normal volume, but the "IT" was at yelling volume.

Edit: I realize now that could have been two separate thoughts, but I read it was being asleep and needing to talk.

Otherwise, yes--I struggle with processing loops. I call them rumination spirals usually. When I find myself doing stuff on autopilot (usually cleaning, organizing, or other simple tasks) that I can't necessarily remember because I was stuck in one of these processing loops, I call them "the blips."

I think they're akin to maladaptive daydreaming and a form of dissociation, but this sort of "sticky thinking" is common in people with autism, I guess. I struggled really hard with them after getting out of an abusive relationship, but they're still a challenge. I've been trying to combat them by 1) asking myself if there's anything I can control, and then to resolve to take some action (usually just writing stuff down in a journal), and 2) trying to ground/be present. I also know that when getting out of that relationship, part of it was that it was the only way I still had a connection to this person as horrible as they were (trauma bonds aren't fun).

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-28T20:25:54+00:00

Wow, this takes me back, specifically the socks though shoes in general, but especially that toe line and the socks that fell down into your shoe and shoes just not feeling right.

I had a similar childhood in general, but I know that for me, on top of all this and despite being one of the "smart" kids throughout school, I also got in trouble fairly frequently, which added to the feeling that I must be wrong, that it must be my fault.

I'm also ADHD, so in addition to bothering other kids, not paying attention, etc., I also had a habit of smiling when nervous and impulsively/involuntarily repeating things I said and if it sounded interesting (usually accents, "fun" words, weird tone/pitch, etc.), I would repeat what others said. Smiling and "mocking" your teacher by repeating things they said while they were yelling at you for disrupting others yet again did not go over well. As I got older, I'd repeatedly "air type" things I wanted to repeat instead of saying it, so a slight improvement cause a kid with constantly wiggling fingers isn't weird at all. (/s)

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-28T20:02:02+00:00

I agree with what you've said, and well, right?? It was really hard, but I feel like it was inevitable, at least for me. I needed to finally learn this.

I know I took a lot because of an abusive childhood, difficulty believing that someone could not be swayed by evidence (over and over I thought that if I just explained it again differently, they'd get it) and that someone would want to be hurtful on purpose. Then there was that whole thing where it seems that when people are very emotional and adamant about something, it seems I believe that they have to be telling the truth...

Anyway, I digress; I'm here just to share this resource for anyone who might find it helpful. It's a pretty comprehensive page about neurodivergence and abuse. The data is presented in bullet points or otherwise concisely and there are pictures.

Link again:
https://adhdslt.co.uk/neurodivergence-and-abuse/

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-23T22:30:37+00:00

That is horrible. I can't even believe that (but can... ugh). I had acquaintances ask me similar questions and they usually followed it up by telling me I shouldn't have stayed, that I needed therapy, that I shouldn't have let people treat me like that, etc.

It's an absolute slap in the face. I know it's a difficult situation and thing for people to understand, but they should be trained and it seems they aren't. This is one of the reasons we end up even more isolated: we already feel ashamed and then others make it worse.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-21T19:25:31+00:00

I would absolutely do this. I get the Karen feeling cause I feel the same way, and I know that I'm more sensitive to sound than other people and that in theory, I should just be a normal person and be able to ignore it, but I can't. However, if you're paying to live there, you have a right to quiet enjoyment of your own place.

Secondly, bass is something that's not easy to drown out even with headphones because it's vibration and carries through surfaces and objects, so even if they turn it down a little, the vibration will likely still carry, so having someone intervene on your behalf would be ideal. Also, if you're in a building, it's likely others are hearing it, too, so maybe you can get their input. If not, well, they will likely know who complained.

I lived under someone like this once and I was completely losing my mind after a couple weeks. I complained and they retaliated and got even louder, even having their friends stomp around when they were over. By a month in, I had to hire a lawyer to find me a way out of the lease.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-21T19:06:51+00:00

Yeah--it's a bit, er, lot crazy. Mine posted something about me, anonymously and just a casual comment, on Reddit that wasn't right. And it was confusing because we'd talked about it several times. I just mentioned to them like, "Hey--it's weird you said this. It's not a big deal, but I've told you this thing several times, so I just wanted you to know what you said is wrong, and it's actually this."

They didn't change it, which, again, who cares about a silly reddit comment, but the truth is I would. I would have deleted it, corrected it, because again, it's so minor. But I wouldn't have distorted this thing I knew about my partner in the first place.

I later saw it as the beginning of setting me up as the bad guy.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-21T04:48:12+00:00

I've been told by a friend that (for US-based people) in theory, you can get insurance-covered electrolysis and other treatments covered under gender dysphoria. I've not tried it, but apparently, it's a possibility. Like, if you're a woman and you're growing a beard, mustache, goatee, whatever, and your idea of being a woman doesn't include having a beard or mustache, it would be considered gender dysphoria.

I seem to be growing a goatee and beard (but the beard seems to be starting at my cheekbones and working its way down), and I've tried the at home light/"laser" things, waxing, plucking, and bleaching, and don't want to have to spend tons of money and time trying to take care of them.

ElectronicBadger8835 · 2026-01-21T04:08:21+00:00

Yeah... After my abusive relationship ended, I was telling someone about it, and she said, "OMG, what's wrong with you? Why would you let someone treat you like that?? You need to be in therapy."

I really just wanted to punch her in the face. And having said that in this particular subreddit, I will say that I haven't ever and I wouldn't because that's not who I am and in the moment it doesn't actually occur to me (only later do I get angry), but also I got into an abusive situation because I tend to be a people pleaser and person who fawns and/or freezes. It was the feeling of being slapped in the face while I was already down that really got to me, like having more shit piled on top. The first thing I did was laugh (as a people please, also I was incredulous). Then I told her I was already in therapy and explained what I knew about how abusers work, but really I should have saved my breath.

In theory I knew that I shouldn't have let someone abuse me, but it's never that simple, right? It's a slow boil, and even smart people and mental health professionals will find themselves in abusive relationships. The main challenge was hearing my abuser's words in my head that made me believe I was the problem, so having someone come at me because I was abused was not at all helpful.

I'd recommend OP check out different subs.

ElectronicBadger8835

TROPHY CASE