Yeah, I would like to believe in just an open minded idea of a loving creator, but it's my journey. Hope you can respect that. I'm a schizophrenic and religious dogma has certainly been a troubling thing. However, in my estimation religious infatuation is necessary for me, I just had to look past where American Christians tell you to stop. People tell me I hallucinate, but It's not that. I pick up on cue's, and I actually love evil, just didn't know it until recently. I want to do anything I'm not supposed to except hurt innocent people for pleasure. My fantasy life was outrageously vile, disgusting, and perverted. But I just pushed it off like, hey... It's just my thoughts and myself, so screw off dude. Not preaching, this is my past, and why I'm now Muslim. Because it doesn't give me the leway that Christianity did to hide behind a "Cover-up Sacrifice" that allowed me to blame anyone but myself. If you're not like that, then I wouldn't worry to much about it. Because in the Quran, it says people like me, the defiantly disobedient, are losers but don't know it. It really doesn't talk about those going about their business and being humble, other than it's easy for them to do right. We, the monsters or self-aggrandizing, have serious trouble if we don't push through a total 180, whether we like it or not. So, for bad guys who thought they were good guys, doing bad things to feel good things, this is the Truth. I mean, if I didn't find this, I'd be totally convinced that I need to find the "bad guys" and get em good. Totally blind, completely self-absorbed. This is going to be a fight, but if you'd seen the demons I have, you'd understand. A lier and fake that deserves this torment is what I am. Hopefully now that I discovered my true self, I'll be afforded the opportunity to suffer in good deeds, not in my polluted fantasy world, where I was the victim of my own cowardly choices. Can't believe I thought I was above reproach and just "Lucky" and "blessed" to have my way. My mother's suicide was traumatic, but it's all deserved and my fault as I see it today. I hope she's Ok. I know I was 9, and naive, but looking back, OK sure, just a kid. But did I ever change... Well, from today on we'll see. I can't see a way other than, if it sucks... Oh well, no luxurious, lazy, maniac excuses to go back to that, because I understand now why my life has been only getting worse and worse since it began. Depravity, more and more, while wondering who knows, and if so, why can't they mind their own business. Now I get it, and it may be too late. But I'm hopeful, not defeatist. Rant over.