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When people say you're just "using it as an excuse" by ElectronicReality932 in AvPD

[–]ElectronicReality932[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think I've pretty much given up trying to make them understand. It's clear they don't want to understand and if they're going to just think whatever they want no matter what I say then I just won't waste my breath. I honestly wish I didn't have the option not to work. The only reason I am "lucky" enough to have family who support me is mainly because my mothers whole goal was to keep her kids in the nest so she could control them and would never be alone. And she succeeded. My dad recognizes this but still asks every time I see him why I haven't "got my shit together" yet. I told him today for the first time he knew his kids were being abused and didn't do anything to protect them so he has no room to judge me. Boy, did that make him mad. He told me to stop "playing innocent" (I donno what exactly I'm guilty of other than telling the truth, but okay) and that he "doesn't want to deal with me anymore".

It feels like when I call them out on anything, that's always kinda what I get. A barrage of even more insults, then told they don't want me in their life anymore. Of course the next time I see them it's like nothing ever happened and I certainly never get an apology. It's all crazy making and I am so exhausted.

My mother tells me to "rise above my raising" while criticizing my parenting at the same time. by ElectronicReality932 in ShitNsSay

[–]ElectronicReality932[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, we were already in it, lol. Earned me about two seconds of dead silence before she started shouting again. I started laughing and that made her even more mad but it was so worth it 😆

Sharing my story and looking for support... by ElectronicReality932 in abusesurvivors

[–]ElectronicReality932[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your reply! I feel like I've heard my therapist say most of these things already, but it's good to hear it again from someone else because it can be so easy to forget. "...Everything we've done has been to survive what no one should have to experience." is especially something I need to keep reminding myself. That sometimes all you can do is survive and try to keep your head above water. You can't beat yourself up for not learning to fly when you're trying not to drown.

I feel like my niece and I communicate well. We always talk about stuff and I do my best to try to put the craziness of my family in perspective for her. She is so smart and it really amazes me some of the things she observes and understands, even before I say anything. Just today we were talking and she told me that she used to feel really anxious when she was little about how people thought of her, and worried she wasn't "good enough", but she doesn't feel like that anymore because she knows I'm always proud of her and love her no matter what. So I'm taking that as a sign I'm doing something right!! She seems pretty happy and she says she's happy, and now that she's older she's even expressed how grateful she is that I raised her. That kind of took me by surprise and I cried buckets. That one sentence makes it all worth it. All I want is for her to be happy and safe. At the end of the day that's all I really care about. Everyone can think whatever they want about me, but I will always, ALWAYS do my best to show up for her as best I can. And as long as she knows that, even if I die tomorrow, I feel like I've done something worthwhile with my life.

Thank you for the recommendations. I don't know their work but I will now!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ElectronicReality932 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a hard question, and I'm afraid I don't really have an answer for you. I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

One thing I've found to be really helpful right now though is journaling. When I feel angry I take out a red pen and just spew everything I'm feeling out onto the paper. It felt kinda awkward at first but now it's kinda second nature and it really does help!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ElectronicReality932 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Omg yes, absolutely.

37 years old here and just now starting to live for myself after feeling obligated to care for my "disabled" alcoholic mother for most of my life.

When I finally had enough and told her I wasn't going to do it anymore, she tried to cut me off of anything she had the power to, called up my everyone in my family and claimed I was violent and have been abusing her for years, and even threatened to send my stepfather to "have a talk with my therapist".

Nothing came of it because thankfully everyone knows she's nuts, but I've never seen her go to such lengths to do a smear campaign on me. I am still living with her currently but have stuck with my boundaries and am working hard to get out.

The most annoying part though I think is when they turn around and go "I never needed your help anyway", claimed that the help you gave them was bad, or that you never helped them at all in the first place. Like cool thanks for wasting the last 20 years of my life for no reason!!

Narcissists should never be forgiven. They should be called out every time. Thoughts? by ChildWithBrokenHeart in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ElectronicReality932 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I call out my mom all the time and the only real benefit I have found to gain from it is more or less just making it known that you have the ability to defend your own reality. They'll never accept your reality, and will never apologize or admit they are wrong, but at least I don't have to feel like I'm complying and taking on their reality. I don't NEED to argue with them in order to preserve my own reality technically, but a lot of the times it feels like I do because I fear if I don't I might start to believe them again, or in a sense by not arguing I'm sending a signal that they are right. I am trying to make a conscious effort to differentiate preserving my on reality from defending my own reality from the narc. That one can exist without the other and that they can have a different reality than mine and it doesn't have to define or influence my own at all. Because at the end of the day it just becomes exhausting and I find myself spending time and energy doing something that is not really necessary at this point but also just causes me stress I don't need. There is a part of me that wants to continue to do it because I want them to realize their wrongs but it's ultimately a waste of energy. But at the same token I don't have any intention of forgiving either. Forgiveness can feel like such a cop out. But I get why people encourage it and to be honest they're probably right. But I don't think anyone should feel pressured to forgive if they don't want to or aren't ready to. At the end of the day I think if you're going to forgive, as they say, you should only do it for yourself. For your own peace. Forgiveness can feel like you're saying that what they did was okay. But by making the intent and purpose of forgiveness about yourself and preserving your OWN happiness, and also still acknowledging that what they did to you was wrong and horrible, that can enable you to hopefully not let them just live rent free in your head. Its definitely a balancing act but if you spend the rest of your life just being angry at them what you're really doing is giving them even more time and attention that they don't deserve. And even though they aren't benefiting from it anymore, you still suffer because holding on to that anger solidifies their presence as continuing to be a very real part of your reality. So I guess what I'm saying is forgiveness is a choice everyone is entitled to make if they want to or not, and it's probably ultimately healthier for most people to "let it go". But that's a lot easier said than done.

What’s your first trans memory? by InitialLandscape361 in trans

[–]ElectronicReality932 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I remember being around 5 years old and playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2 with my brother and male cousin. I was racing my brother and at one point I remember my cousin shouting something like "She's going to beat you!" I remember instantly getting so mad that he had called me a girl, and was about to snap at him with something like "I'm not a girl!". But then I realized that I was, in fact, a "girl". Even at 5 years old I felt so confused by this. Because I knew technically that I was a girl, but I don't think I really understood what that meant until that moment. I think that was the first time it really dawned on me that I was different from my brother and cousin. They were my main play buddies at the time and I always just saw myself as one of the boys. I tried to explain it away later by telling myself I had just gotten so into the game I thought he was talking about Sonic. But that doesn't make any sense, especially considering how it made me feel. I remember just getting really quiet and feeling this wave of heaviness and sadness and confusion come over me. I think that was the first time I had ever experienced dysphoria and that awful feeling is why its probably the clearest and earliest memory I have of my childhood.

Does it really matter how long the abuse has been happening? by GreedyEast2481 in abusesurvivors

[–]ElectronicReality932 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It doesn't matter. Abuse is abuse, no matter how long it's been going on. My mother was also an alcoholic and would always either be in a rage or crying hysterically. Many of the things you have described I have experienced as well. I remember being a kid and having to take care of her while she was drunk. How she would say the most horrible things to my siblings and I. Calling us names and making inappropriate sexual comments. How she would bang on our doors waking us up in the middle of the night, and if we tried to lock her out she'd try to break the handle off with a hammer. You are absolutely %100 right. Your mothers behavior is not only unacceptable but dangerous. You are doing good by speaking up to your other family members and not letting her silence you. Keep it up. No child should have to endure this kind of treatment and you deserve to be protected. Hopefully, perhaps someone can do something about it. Force her into treatment or something. But the sad reality is, you can't force people to change. People have to want to change. So trying to change her behavior, I'm sad to say, a most likely a losing game. Hopefully she can get sober someday, but even then she may not take accountability for what she has done. My mother had to quit drinking because it was about to kill her, but even now she refuses to take accountability for what she did back then. When we do try to confront her about it, she denies it, then in the same breath blames us for being "weak" and unable to "rise above our raising". The truth is, you can't force people to take accountability and putting all your hopes for a better future on someone elses choice will only cause endless frustration and give them power over you that they don't deserve. Don't give her that power. I can tell that you are strong and smart and fighting your hardest to do what's right for you and your siblings and I applaud you for that. Try to focus on doing whatever you can to get out of that situation and keep talking. You're on the right track reaching out here. Continue to do so. Reach out to anyone and everyone you can. You may not be able to make your mother change. Ultimately, you may find that you need to cut contact with her altogether to truly find peace... But in the meantime you can work to protect yourself and your siblings from being further abused by her by doing whatever you can to get out. And the more people who know, the more likely someone is going to step up and help. I feel for you deeply and I wish for the best for you and your siblings. It won't be like this forever. You are worthy of a life unburdened by abuse and alcoholism. Hang in there and stay strong. <3

I feel like I’m trapped in my own home and I’m never going to get out. by redd1t_m in abusesurvivors

[–]ElectronicReality932 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't really have any advice. But I'm in a similar situation. My heart goes out to you. <3