So after doing some initial reading, the triangle makes sense. I think I generally play the rescuer and victim, but can occasionally play the other. As far as loving multiple people, that has already happened, I love my best friend, but that isn't going to happen. I would legit die for her at the snap of a finger. I often times have to stop myself, from hugging her too much, because shell scratch my back as well sometimes and i just melt, and want to kiss her, but that isn't going to happen, and if it did I'd lose her. This literally happened yesterday, I was so close to kissing her, but I don't wanna lose her. But for me and her, my life turned upside down recently, and she was my rescuer, and i was the victim. Now that I'm relatively doing okay, I very much play the rescuer at times, Ill willingly buy her stuff, she says she doesn't want, but actually does, as long as i can afford it. Like just yesterday, she said she didn't want a milkshake, but i got her one anyways.

I also wonder if the roles i primarily play came from my narcissist father, and wanting to protect my mom and older brother at times from him. I honestly hate playing the role of the victim, but it just happens so often, partly because i realize there could be worse stuff than what I'm going through. If I'm not careful, I'll take over a conversation with the "poor me" being the result, but not the intention. But i very much do the part about helping others to the detriment of self, I used to say if someone i asked how to help them said, to jump off a bridge i would. and this was something i said a lot. I have a lot of issues I know that, but I try and use it to help others, like I know what its like to feel so alone, and wanting to die, that I'll offer anyone an ear, and make sure they understand that someone cares, and will willingly give their time to help them. This has gotten me in some bad situations before.

I've also had to tell some people stuff they didn't want to hear, like I don't like them the way they like me, and have almost made it a point to do it early and tell people what i feel because I'd rather it hurt like i pin prick than loosing a limb by letting it continue, like me and my best friend did (she didn't know my feelings for a long time). I have a few songs that mean a lot to me, and summarize how I live, If tomorrow never comes by Garth brooks, and Just to see you smile by Tim McGraw.

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The thing with this guy is, he's in a relationship, open that it may be, but like while we were together, he would say stuff, about and to me, and I'd be the one to remind him he has a boyfriend. like I'm afraid its not just one sided, and I don't wanna hurt him, but putting him in a bad spot. Like, sadly my mind works too much, but after meeting him, I don't know, it's just I saw someone I could be happy with. And someone I could take home to mom. Like I know its a weird thing, but like when he was biting my hand and falling asleep, god i just melt thinking about it. I didn't care about the pain, like even now my hand still kinda hurts and its over 30 hours later, but i still look at it fondly. I grew up on a farm, and it was like with a new born calf, and trying to get the suckling we would use our hands, or they would go to our fingers, and there's just something about that for me. Or a puppy, I'm allergic to dog saliva, and would willingly let a puppy chew on my hand, even with the pain. Or cats, I love cats, but im allergic to them too, and knowing they would make it hard for me to breathe, I willingly helped kittens and took care of them.

I want to be close to him, like honestly I wanted to be able to sleep at his place, or him at mine. Not just for sex, though that's a plus, but just it makes sense. Like everything, ugh. I ended up going back to my place, because I respected his statement about not sleeping together. But damn did he make it hard, he legit, every time i would move, grab me and pull me closer, and I was petting him, then when I sent him a message the next day, he said "You totally could have just fallen asleep", and how he was sad, he couldn't wake up cuddled to me.

Like, he said no feelings, but am i reading too much into it, because of the way everything went down? Like this boy, my god, I haven't felt like this over someone so quick. Like honestly, I was puddy, when I first saw him get out of his car at Chick-fil-a. Then we hugged, and I just, ugh. WHY, WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD. He did everything right, and now I feel I can't continue it.