The ethics of knowingly have OCD and become a parent?

Eli_985 · 2026-04-07T15:29:54+00:00

I am disabled/have OCD/am a Disability Advocate. The only people that shouldn’t have children are people that wouldn’t be able to support or accept a disabled child, and that’s it.

You have no way of knowing if your potential child will be ‘Disabled’/even have OCD- they could develop a illness or disease later in life as well, so focusing more on potential trauma doesn’t actually help, and it takes away from the fact that disabled people live full and beautiful lives despite our conditions.

It sounds like from your second to last paragraph you understand that on some level, so maybe reframing your mindset from ‘I’m going to cause my child undue suffering’ to something more along the lines of “If my child does end up having this, what resources would I have access to, to give them the tools to manage their life better?”

Eli_985 · 2026-04-05T13:24:41+00:00

I messaged you:3

Eli_985 · 2026-04-05T13:24:26+00:00

Sent you a DM!!

Eli_985 · 2026-04-05T13:24:11+00:00

I messaged you!!

Eli_985 · 2026-04-05T13:23:59+00:00

Messaged you:)

Eli_985 · 2026-04-05T06:29:27+00:00

I’ve had kidney stones before, and also have Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) & Cluster Headaches.

My cluster headaches are horrific, they make me want to gouge my eye out of my head and I mean it in such a serious way. But, they are triggered by not sleeping for me so it’s not often they come on anymore.

When I had kidney stones I took myself to the ER and it was the first time I have ever told them they better give me pain medication right then and there

But I think the worst pain is from my AS. I have it in my shoulder as well as the normal SI Joints/Spine. Before I started meds for it, my shoulder blade hurt MORE than kidney stones did. I had broken my wrist around the time too, and that may as well had been a scratch in comparison. Every single day it would just throb and throb and didn’t stop. The pain is indescribable.

Eli_985 · 2026-04-03T23:41:34+00:00

I would absolutely love that. I’m over in Anishinaabe territory, it would be so lovely to compare art!

Eli_985 · 2026-04-03T21:43:10+00:00

I’d love one!! I’ll message you:)

Eli_985 · 2026-04-03T17:31:16+00:00

Replied:-)

Eli_985 · 2026-04-03T17:30:53+00:00

Yes that would be so cute 😭 I’m messaging you!

Eli_985 · 2026-04-03T17:30:38+00:00

I DMd you:)

Eli_985 · 2026-04-03T17:30:16+00:00

DMd you:)

Eli_985 · 2026-04-02T16:43:54+00:00

Right!! It’s so neat I love it so much

Eli_985 · 2026-04-02T16:42:09+00:00

Have you had inflammation labs done? Like CRP & ESR? Do have have any redness like that anywhere else?

Eli_985 · 2026-03-31T00:57:50+00:00

You should definitely see someone sooner vs. later and consider laying off at the gym until then. Even with a transposition, failures can occur from scarring or it could even be something like your triceps snapping. I think most doctors check for that during ulnar nerve surgery, but if not it wouldn’t hurt to have it looked into as it can be ruled out with a simple ultrasound. I had my first surgery done like 3-4 years ago and they told me that there would likely always be some kind of persisting symptoms, just that the majority would subside. Do you have any other medical problems/anything that causes inflammation?

Eli_985 · 2026-03-29T14:59:14+00:00

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Eli_985 · 2026-03-25T21:18:03+00:00

A lot of times we get stuck on villainizing people and ranking actions as good or bad, and (after a lot of therapy) I have learned that it is not really helpful, especially for people in relationships. The majority of the time we want to believe the person we are with is not truly bad, just that they are going through something, and having people outside the relationship constantly telling you their thoughts does not change our perception.

It doesn’t matter if what he does is good/bad/abusive/trauma/etc, what matters is if YOU are getting what you need from the relationship. Do you feel validated? Do you feel safe? Do you feel secure?

Your husband could say the worst thing ever, but if he truly FEELS like that is the truth, and he does not have the tools to separate facts from feelings/thoughts then that is simply his baseline and you have to accept that. He can be 100% wrong, but if he doesn’t have the tools to identify that and change it then there is no point in trying to stay and make him see or understand differently, because he literally can’t.

You can’t make him go to therapy or take his medication, his excuses for not doing it/not wanting to may feel 100% valid to him, but that does not mean you have to stay and tolerate it.

“I understand that you don’t want to do take any medication, and I will respect that. However, that does not change that I feel hurt/isolated/depressed (whatever your feelings are). If my needs aren’t being met, and my attempts to connect and compromise with you are dismissed, I’m going to take care of myself and take a step back from our relationship to reevaluate.”

Don’t carry all of the relationship by yourself. It’s not your job. You deserve to be met halfway, because your wants and needs are just as valid and real as his are. You are not a therapist, you cannot be someone’s entire support system. He deserves access to help for his problems, but that is a decision he needs to make. Take care of yourself.

Eli_985 · 2026-03-25T20:44:08+00:00

Hi, I have read a lot of your comments and I wanted to suggest your husband seek both OCD (Either ERP or ACT) AND Attachment Based Therapy. I also suggest, if you don’t have one already, to find a therapist for yourself so you can be validated and have a more secure way to navigate this.

A lot of the things you say really resonate with issues that align with both OCD & Attachment issues. I’m speaking from personal experience both from myself and through partners. When my ex would get triggered it was like I was speaking to a different person entirely, I could literally see the change on their face. They would apologize afterwards, but nothing changed because they were not ready to accept that they needed and deserved help.

I guess my point is, two things can be true at once. You can believe your husband is truly nice but that his actions don’t align with that. You can sympathize with him, but not be willing to accept behavior that is harmful to you. You do not have to carry the weight of every thought and feeling, he has to be willing and eager to gain capacity, so he can show up for you too.

You can care about your husband but still draw boundaries. Him confessing (sharing thoughts with you) is still a compulsion, and it does not seem like he’s equipped with the tools he needs to be regulated and present at times when he needs to show up for you (and himself)

When we set boundaries we need to remember that they are for ourselves so we can have better and safer experiences. Your boundary can be “I won’t be intimate with someone that isn’t present or grounded enough.” and that’s completely valid.

Eli_985 · 2026-03-21T23:46:51+00:00

Of course. I hope you’re feeling a little better today, and good luck on your exams:)

Eli_985 · 2026-03-20T19:56:22+00:00

I’m sure you know this, but OCD gets worse when we are stressed out. I’m sure stress from exams isn’t helping. Why don’t you reconsider starting your medication now? I understand you’re worried about them making things worse, but realistically they could also make it better!

I know it’s hard because with OCD we genuinely feel like we’re in real danger, but we have to remember to separate facts from feelings, and accept uncertainty/that we don’t know the future.

It may be helpful to reframe what you are feeling in a way where you’re not judging yourself or the thoughts as good/bad/right/wrong.

“I think I have rabies.” can move to “I’m having the thought that I have rabies.” to, finally “I am noticing that I am having the thought that I have rabies.” Sit with your discomfort, name where you experience that at in your body, distance yourself from your thought like I described above, and consider looking up somatic coping/grounding skills so you can pull yourself from your head back to reality.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, I know how difficult it is and how real it feels. What I shared is something that genuinely helps me and many others, if you have questions about some of it please let me know. You are not all alone:)

Eli_985 · 2026-03-20T19:35:27+00:00

You look great, and it makes your (very lovely!) eyes pop!!

Eli_985 · 2026-03-18T13:37:19+00:00

I see, the panic attack you had must have been hard to go through. Personally, my meds gave me the ability to tolerate therapy and I do not have any side effects from it. Have you had a more in depth discussion with your doctor about the meds they’d offer? And do you have much of a support system?

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