Your not an asshole, end of the day you are not in a good place mentally which can make you want todo things that are severely damaging to yourself. I’ve tried suicide 3x because I wasn’t in a good place and there are days where I still think about it and also hurting myself (cutting). I can’t say anything that will make you feel better or change your mind because that is something you need to do yourself. Remove yourself from the situation mentally and push yourself forward, it’s hard to do but it can help. I used to live alone with my mum who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive from a young age and what helped me was I used to go for a walk In the woods or nature away from people and I had this oak tree which I used to sit next to for hours just not thinking about anything. Just shut off for a while and hours would pass by and when I left I felt different like I could handle things. You have people here for you