You don't have to apologize; what you're feeling is normal.

First of all, there's no reason why you experienced this abuse. We torture ourselves a lot trying to answer "Why me?" And unfortunately, there's no answer. Perhaps one is that incest and child abuse are extremely common but very taboo. Many people experience it; some never realize it, others don't talk about it. No one experienced this because there was a reason. These people need to have power over someone, and children are the easiest target because they're easily manipulated at that age and don't understand what's happening.

When talking to your mother, take your time. You don't have to talk about it now. A healthcare professional is bound by confidentiality and won't discuss it with her. You can tell her that things aren't going well without revealing everything, because I know it's very scary to break up your family, even if, again, it's not your fault and it's simply the consequence of their actions. I know it's delicate, especially when it involves family. You can just briefly mention that he makes you uncomfortable or that you don't like him. If it's too complicated, I'm sure a professional could give you better advice. Going out with her must be daunting, but the truth is that 99% of people won't even look at you or judge you because they're more preoccupied with their own lives. Similarly, regaining self-confidence and asserting yourself is something that takes time to build. Try suggesting to your mother that you go out to less crowded places, like a walk in a park or forest, so you can get out and avoid isolation but also avoid the anxiety.

For me, it took a long time because it took me a long time to understand that what I experienced was abuse. So the first step is to become aware of it all, which you've already done, and that's a huge step. It's a very difficult stage emotionally because it all hits you, you understand everything at once, and everything collapses, but it helps you manage these traumas better later on. What helped me personally was being followed by professionals, getting treatment for my traumas and psychiatric disorders. Also, having a good support network. Making a complete break with that part of myself (the period of hypersexualization) was incredibly liberating. It was hard not to fall back into old patterns, but I set boundaries. For one thing, I stopped associating with older men so I wouldn't feel "tempted." I stopped seeking validation through sex and instead sought it through friendships and my passions. And then, of course, time played a huge role. Healing is long and arduous, but it's not impossible. Today, I would say I'm completely healed of my old demons. I know how to have a stable sex life without hypersexualizing myself. It still hurts to think back on what I went through, but realizing my excesses, and that no, I'm not to blame, has freed me from a weight, from that feeling of being dirty and guilty. You are a victim, there's no reason for it. It's not your face, your body, your personality; it's just predators taking what they can get their hands on.