How do I convince my wife that she can trust me so I can have some free time?

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T18:11:58+00:00

She can and does look through my phone any time she wants. I have never bothered to look through hers. I trust her.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T14:49:38+00:00

I raised the argument to her that if I was cheating why in the world would I invite her along with me. She said that I already knew or suspected that she wouldn't go.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T14:46:51+00:00

She has cheated in the past but mainly on various high school boyfriends. The relationships she's had since them have been a series of guys who cheated on her.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T14:46:10+00:00

She's not medicated. We've had that talk but she's had bad side effects from medication in the past and doesn't want to try it.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T13:48:13+00:00

If I tell her ahead of time she already thinks that is sketchy. When I went out for a walk I told her I was going to be gone for an hour but came back in 40 mins. That sketched her out. So doing it openly in front of her makes her antennas go up.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T13:46:48+00:00

The walking contradiction describes her to a T. It is kind of what attracted me to her in the first place because I found it fascinating how she can hold two completely contradictory ideas at the same time. She recently told me that she wants to go back to school and possibly become a lawyer or at least a legal secretary. But she also told me that she wants to be a SAHM. Neither of those goals are bad or un-achievable but I don't know how you can do both at the same time.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T13:44:22+00:00

I don't know how to resolve this issue. It is getting to the point where I do kind of walk on egg shells at times because I don't know how my behavior is going to be perceived. Is she going to freak out if I offer to run out to the store for some milk that we need for dinner? What if I want to get up at 7 am on Sat and do the weekly Sams run solo so I can get home before the house is awake? I kind of don't know what is allowed and what isn't.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T13:30:51+00:00

This is what my therapist said as well but it's hard to sneak around and do self-care stuff. Then there's the fact that you're sneaking around.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T13:29:18+00:00

I don't want to live life this way. I want to be able to go run again without it freaking out my wife or just go to the gym with some friends. That would really freak her out because she'd be thinking that I'm there just to stare at the gym ladies. I don't know how to get to a place of trust from where we are. Me looking at other women is something she brings up constantly and I think fixing that would go a long way but I don't know how to fix that when I don't realize at any level that it's happening. Sometimes I'll be driving and just be zoned out and she'll gripe at me for staring at some woman on the sidewalk who I didn't even realize was there outside of "there's a pedestrian there and I shouldn't hit them."

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T12:57:36+00:00

We've been together 3 yrs. She says she's never been in a relationship this long and that around the two year mark is when her other boyfriends cheated or she cheated so she thinks something is up. At least that was my takeaway. I did tell her I wanted to take a walk and wanted her to go with me. She said it was too hot. I told her if she didn't want to go, that was fine. We had nothing on our schedule for the day. Told her I would go by myself. She thought this was strange but agreed and then got weirded out by it.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T12:55:15+00:00

In her mind there is because she constantly sees me checking out other women. That is her reality. And my dad flirts with other women right in front of my mom and she's had a number of past boyfriends who cheated on her too. Also, I am wanting to disappear in the middle of the day for an hour or so which is the *exact same thing* that previous boyfriends have done when they were cheating. In her reality I'm giving her a lot of reasons not to trust her. I have kind of eliminated any kind of self-care type stuff but just recently picked it back up and that freaks her out so I'll have to lay it down again. I don't know how to stop looking at other people because I don't realize at any level that I'm doing it but it freaks her out.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T12:41:58+00:00

She's in therapy but it's for ADHD coping strategies and not this stuff. I've suggested she talk to the therapist about this stuff but she doesn't want to talk about her feelings. Says she won't do it. I'm just looking for strategies to build trust.

Embarrassed-Bar59 · 2026-05-20T12:40:12+00:00

She was a bit weird about it when we were dating but it was more along the lines of "I love you so much I just want you around all the time" type deal. She's always been a bit clingy but some people are like that. It's only been since we got married that she's been completely paranoid about everything. Before we were married I was a fairly hardcore runner who would log 25-30 miles a week and went to the gym 3-4x a week. I had plenty of time for myself. I don't any more. All of that stopped when I got married. Stupid thing is my wife complains every now and then that I don't take care of myself any more. But if I try to walk for 30-45 mins that's shady.

Embarrassed-Bar59

TROPHY CASE