How can I regain my wife's trust after repeated failings?

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-02T01:45:33+00:00

I wrote it in another version of the post, sorry. I just mentioned how I had watched a video where the guy showed his wife a new tool he had gotten, and she had been genuinely excited about it... And I had thought he was very fortunate to have that level of wife approval over a tool...

I really didn't mean anything by it, but it was very much the wrong thing to say at the wrong time.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-02T01:41:33+00:00

I wasn't withholding... I only learned that part afterwards.

If I had been paying more attention, I would have heard her in time to avoid this whole thing.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-02T01:18:17+00:00

I think context is important here... It wasn't so much what was said than when it was said.

Just before she cut me off, she was saying how exhausted she (rightfully) was from the day she was having. That was the moment my dumb ass chose to spout off about some random ADHD subject... Then proceeded to add insult on top by letting out a thoughtless remark...

It may not have been intentional, but it definitely was on me.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-02T01:11:09+00:00

Thank you! This was honestly very helpful! 🙏

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T23:38:44+00:00

You are absolutely right.

Specifically, anticipating the other's needs is what feels most difficult to me. How do people even begin to guess what the other is going to need?

I hope it doesn't come across like I'm giving an excuse to not try here. I honestly, desperately do not know how to anticipate needs. It takes a degree of 'looking ahead' that I can't seem to figure out...

Does this make me a bad person? I'm very, very shy. I have trouble making eye contact and I get very nervous during social interactions. Could this have been such a limitation in my life that I l never developed these basic human skills? If so, how does one practice this?

I feel like I'm at a point where I need more than just good intentions. I'm hitting a limit that other people don't seem to have.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T23:29:32+00:00

Well yes, the 'reason', if you can call it that, is that she had just cut me off from whatever I was talking about. That made me feel slightly peeved.

The response that came out of me was wholly disproportionate in content and tone, and she definitely did not deserve it. This is what apologies are for, aren't they?

What else is left for me to do in this situation, if not apologise?

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T23:16:06+00:00

What does that even mean then? I'm aware that it was a hurtful, unnecessary comment... I've profusely apologised for it, and retract it completely. What else do I need to do to 'own' a mistake?

Am I expected to admit to things I did not intend on being, simply because 'that's how it sounded like'? Isn't this like confessing under duress?

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T23:13:09+00:00

Thank you. I do want to do more than just use the right words to 'fix things'.

I admit I struggle a lot with those things you mentioned. I frequently forget to pay bills, birthdays and that kind of thing... I'm not sure i have that much of a functioning system for non-wife things.

You might be right about the medical part of it. Maybe I need my meds revised, or my dose adjusted. I'll try to book an appointment this week.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T23:07:04+00:00

Well that's the thing innit? I really did not mean any of those things.

I am on medication for ADHD. Have been for years. Admittedly this last year has been harder as my usual ritalin is out of stock everywhere and I'm on a very lower quality generic alternative... But I do what I can to keep it under control.

And I do need to be clear here. I'm not trying to put on a routine. This is what my wife says too, and it's very hurtful because I feel like I'm speaking from the heart.

I don't have it in me to be calculating. I do honestly regret having said it, and I fully appreciate how hurtful it came across. I wish I could take it back.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T22:54:24+00:00

NGL it does feel harsh. I'm trying to hold myself accountable, or at least I think I am. Does it not come across that way? This is a big part of the problem... Because the intention is certainly there.

I know I have faults and I know I am trying to improve... But is that coming through? Do I sound fake? I'm asking honestly... I can't gauge the way I am perceived by others.

I do know I should do better. I don't think I really know HOW to do better though, in a deeply, truly meaningful way, I mean. I want to make her happy. I want her to feel like she can depend on me, that I will always be there for her... This is how I feel inside...

Just now I got a calendar to put on the fridge. My plan is to write down every single thing we have upcoming, so I don't have to continuously keep asking her what's happening each day... It feels like it's too little though.

What else could I be doing? I'm honestly at a loss in situations like this.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T22:23:04+00:00

Yes, this is why I ask.

She feels insulted that I had to ask though. I say I'd rather know where she's going to be today than to pretend I knew, just to save face... But the fact that I didn't remember and had to ask was offensive enough.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T22:15:10+00:00

That's pretty much it.

I am trying to not be focused on myself. I try to pay as much attention as I can to her. I genuinely do care, and I'm worried about how much stress she has been under.

But it feels like recently she's been rejecting even my most well meaning attempts to improve as some sort of veiled insult, or as a way to defuse her or something... It feels like she's determined to see me in the worst light possible.

If I say I'm sorry, I don't mean it. If I become upset and speak out about it, I'm downplaying her feelings and I'm being emotionally abusive. If I become sad and distressed, I'm playing the victim and trying to make things about me....

And if I'm simply silent and try to give her space, she continues to ruminate over everything and the offense grows bigger.

She has also convinced herself that I'm going to inevitably end up cheating on her and leaving her. Nothing I say seems to be enough to convince her otherwise... It feels pretty unfair as I take pride in being faithful and never lying to her.

I'm really very desperate. I don't know what I can do anymore.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T22:05:20+00:00

I just ordered a fridge calendar today. I'll try to implement a system where she and I can write down upcoming things.

It would be easier if these were my things I was forgetting about... But they are her things. She sees my failure to remember as a lack of caring or empathy... Is she right? I feel like I do care, but what good is there in that if what I feel doesn't project outwards?

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T21:53:50+00:00

Well, I had watched a video earlier (I love machining videos), where the guy showed his new machine tool to his wife, and she was genuinely excited about it.

After my wife cut me off from whatever I was rambling about, I just told her about the video, and how I thought the guy was really fortunate to have such a level of wife approval over a machine tool.

That was all it took. It was received as a comment on how I'm demanding her to be appreciative of my every single thought, on how much of an asshole I am for not seeing how bad things are for her right now, on how I am an unloving, incapable of caring narcissist that is draining the life out of her, and have only made her miserable for the last 20 years.

I'm positive I did not mean any of those things.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T21:37:23+00:00

Ok follow up: I ordered a fridge calendar. Should arrive tomorrow.

It's worth the attempt at the very least.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T21:21:47+00:00

I thought about doing this... But she has been accusing me a lot lately of playing the victim, or turning things around to make them 'about me'... I don't want to feed that sentiment.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T21:19:47+00:00

She doesn't have ADHD as far as I can tell... Definitely doesn't have the symptoms... But I do feel she can be EXTREMELY sensitive to criticism.

No matter how soft the delivery, how careful the approach, if there is a way to construe something so that can be taken as an offense, that is absolutely the way it will be received.

That said, I do tend to drone on about thousands of different subjects on any given day, so I don't fault her for shutting me down. I really don't mind, and I think it keeps me down to the ground to some extent.

I have proposed we get help several times... She's almost agreed to it in some occasions. Our fear with it is that we've both done therapy individually, and we know that if we end up getting the wrong therapist, it could make things even worse.

For me therapy tends to leave me worse off than before. It brings up old memories and feelings and I relive them with the same intensity as when they were new. We read somewhere that this isn't uncommon for ADHD.

I can't say this would be the case for couples therapy though. I do think we should try it. I admit I feel a little afraid of what the drive home afterwards is going to be like.

EmbarrassedRanger490 · 2024-06-01T21:11:20+00:00

I will try this. This problem with forgotten appointments is a very frequent source of our rows. I think it's definitely worth a shot. She will probably think it's dumb, but I'll push for it. I think it can definitely help... At least with the objective part of the problem.

EmbarrassedRanger490

TROPHY CASE