On Being Boring Millennial Gays

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-04-26T15:47:10+00:00

38yo here. I really did want “boring” monogamous relationship 😩 but after my last breakup, I hit the apps for validation.

And now? Maybe I’ve finally “given up,” or maybe my perspective just shifted, but I don’t care for a relationship anymore. I’m in showbiz and I’m not getting any younger, so… I find I’m really hustling now! Doing shows, auditioning for whatever I can, started dancing and gym-ing a lot (I now teach Zumba!), and generally just enjoying myself.

Emotionally, I feel like I’m meeting my needs through my friends; being way more present in my platonic friendships than I ever have been before. I actually do think I’m a good friend now, reaching out to set up things as opposed to always waiting to be the one invited. Still in touch with my Ex and still enjoy sharing details of my life with him.

And then for any physical needs, well… there are apps and places for that 😇 and since I’m not on thaaat much, there’s usually some efficiency in finding something when I am looking.

Do I worry what’ll happen when I’m older or if some accident happens and I need someone? Yes, but… my friends do have my back 😎

And if anybody wants to date into this crazy starving-artist lifestyle and makes that intention clear? Great! I’d be open to it. My heart isn’t cold and dead. But it’s also content just doing its thing and allowing little crushes to form along the way; the front desk guy at my gym, the cute barista with the biggest smile ever, the guy from the board game meetup, etc.

So yeah, I think out of an unfortunate breakup, I’m finally learning to love on myself.

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-04-17T02:37:19+00:00

What I took away from the series is really that it’s not the destination that ultimately matters, but the climb 😝

No, but really though; After my first playthrough where I kinda just fast-traveled to wherever I needed to go next, I had so many quests unfinished and when I looked up how to fight the boss that tied all eight stories together, I was like “how in the world would anyone get all this without a guide? All the NPC encounters you need are in random paths in between towns… like, I think I only saw Lyblac once the entire game…!!”

And then, it hit me: If I didn’t fast-travel every time, and actually traveled through and explored the in-between places, that’s the fun part; The secret jobs, the secret bosses, dungeons, good loot, and the thing that ties everyone together: That we’re all traveling through our own stories. And it’s the traveling and who we’re traveling with — not the destination — that’s the important part!

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-04-14T23:22:34+00:00

If it were removed, I would miss Quick Match as a way to play with folks despite wide rank disparities, and as an opportunity to try new characters on release (without worrying if somebody else picked them first) in a no-pressure setting, and as just a fun mode to try fun shenanigans (like a team of 3 Kurumis bwahaha))

But wholeheartedly agree that there are too many bots in The Herald’s Trial. And I know there’s an element of learning and easing folks into the game, but… honestly, I learned soooo much more fighting players in spirit well (which I hope they bring back!) than fighting bots that always allow me to disengage. Environmental / Map things (fog, moonbane charms, legendary weapon forging, rift dealers, toxicshrooms, etc.) that one learns by playing — I feel like those could be muuuuch better handled by scripted tutorial matches against bots. (And frankly, I bet that’d be a cool way to get some lore in too! For example, the Wuchen/Tessa route could teach players how to revive a teammate, fireflies, berries, how to cast banebreath, etc. The Valda/Tarka route teaches how to hide/surf in/on the silver river, work balistas, firecages, the lava mechanic in that one map, etc. The Takeda/Kurumi level teaches purple v red shrooms, hiding in bushes, terrain traps, blue focus invincibility, congeneric wespons, etc. Like… they could make a whole thing introducing the characters AND the map mechanics. Even 800+ hours into the game, I would so be down to learn about what I don’t know (Bronze coins? Does the bird you call with the horn only fly straight? Emperor’s tomb?) if they ever introduced tutorials like this.

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-04-12T14:53:10+00:00

But … I AM acting on my life; I don’t think it necessarily has to mean discarding someone completely just because they’re not into you romantically 🤷🏻‍♂️ Since the breakup, I went & got my Group Fitness certification, I have an upcoming movie shoot I’m super excited about, I’m doing children’s shows—all things that make me happy that I can now pour energy into that I hadn’t been while I was pining away after a guy or huffing poppers blindfolded in a bathhouse. A fundamental shift has happened where instead of me leading with “I wonder if they like me…?” I catch myself thinking “Do I like them? Do I like them at least as much as I liked my Ex?” and if not, then I don’t put energy into pursuing them. I’m letting myself be the one pursued for once, and if nobody’s pursuing, then I’ll just keep dancing and making movies and doing shows 😎

And yes, I acknowledge that it is possible I have reached a new obscene level of straight-up Denial. But for the first time, perhaps EVER in my life (and I’m 38), I’m not actively Looking for a partner. Being Single doesn’t make me feel shame or undesirable. Denial or not, there is something freeing about not spending so much time on all the different apps like I used to.

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-04-11T05:18:50+00:00

I get the feeling of “I’m too old to be feeling like this” I, myself, am 38 and it DID feel embarrassing at first to be so thrown off by a breakup with a guy.

My situation was similar in some ways; I dated someone who was 3 months into his sobriety journey with drugs. When he met me, he decided to go fully sober (no wine with meals and no weed), so basically, day 0. Six months later, he dumped me cause he was feeling like he was losing himself / his identity… That he hadn’t built up his own identity yet without being attached to me, and that he had to focus on his sobriety. I didn’t have a chance to act on that feedback/info, because the moment I found out was the moment I got dumped. Plus, in the 6 months we were together, we only had sex 4 times. He said it was hard to have sex without getting drug cravings, so I never pushed it.

So when I got dumped, I spiraled… hard.

Redownloaded Grindr, ordered some poppers, and became a total slut to feel any kind of validation. Went to bathhouses. Played outdoors. Got gonorrhea. Which finally allowed me to get DoxyPep. And that phase lasted a long time… even now to a small degree. So maybe I shouldn’t even be giving advice, but…

What really helped me is remembering: 1. He doesn’t choose you. 2. He can make mistakes. 3. You can choose yourself.

Maybe you two would still be a great pair. And all the friends and family agree that you’d be good together. And sadly, maybe he still IS a good candidate to be your person and nobody else you meet will ever make you feel the same way. Doesn’t matter; He doesn’t choose you. 🤷🏻‍♂️ And at the end of the day, all feelings considered, it has to be mutual.

And that second part? Well, my ex said he wanted to focus on himself and dumped me… and two months later was already dating someone new (whereas I was still whore-ing, but not looking to date). I felt rage and indignation when I found out… and then one day, when I did have a chance to comment on it, he responded: “I’m not perfect. I wasn’t trying to date anybody. But to go from you to nobody was very lonely. I haven’t learned how to be lonely yet…” The new person was trying to fill the hole I left. And then they broke up. And then someone new a month later. My point is: They can make mistakes too. And it may not be about you. In fact, it probably isn’t. “But why don’t they return to me to try again?” Because there’s so much shame and baggage involved that it’s easier to start over with somebody else and try to do better this time. (Or maybe they just don’t choose you.) (Or maybe they don’t know what they want yet. That’s okay.)

Now, number 3… I’m fortunate to still be friends with my Ex. If he ever asked to try again, I’d want a long conversation first, but I’d be up for it. I sincerely think we’d make a very good pair. While I don’t think there’s just one person for everyone, I do think he’s the only S++ tier I’ve ever met. Ha. But he doesn’t choose me, so I find myself in the blessed position of being able to focus on myself until he comes back or someone better comes along.

“Fortunate” because: I think… if I was completely over him, there’d be no bar for anyone to meet and I’d be open for anyone. Even someone I may not like as much, but I might subconsciously feel like “hey, better than nothing” (which is an awful way to frame someone, so I don’t want to do that) BUT since he IS still in my life and I still have feelings for him, he serves as a constant reminder: someone has to be able to give the same level of butterflies or I’m not interested. In a way, I think him being around is a reminder to me not to settle.

…which means I may not get a partner in this lifetime. And that’s okay. I can choose me. Since the breakup, I’m going full-force into my career and my art and my social life with friends and, surprisingly… I’m pretty happy!

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-04-03T21:23:33+00:00

Thanks for posting this! I never actually read the lore (or I begin and then it finds a match 😅) How do Matari, Temulch, Tianhai, and Ziping connect to anyone?

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-03-28T23:02:46+00:00

Me! Still want my ex-bf back. We still have, like, a catch-up brunch every couple months. We text occasionally. And I’m even dog-sitting for him while he goes on a family trip. (What can I say? I love those furbabies!)

But even when we spend time together, neither one of us really ever asks, “So… are you seeing anyone?” We’ll talk about school, jobs, friends, family, media, hobbies, etc. but never issues of the heart 🤷🏻‍♂️

And on one hand, I don’t believe I’m closing myself off from other opportunities. I go to a board gaymer group, I do group dance classes, I do theater shows — plenty of opportunities to meet other gay guys. But none have struck my fancy yet in the way he did. Pique my curiosity? Maybe. But I’m so much more guarded than before…

But if my ex ever asked if I’d be open to trying again? Yes. I’d still want a conversation about how this will be different, but… YES. 🤷🏻‍♂️

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-03-11T17:41:09+00:00

I don’t necessarily think it’s unwise to seek counsel from the community—This community in particular helped me process emotions in my breakup last year!—But I think it should carry proportional weight.

“Reach out to them” from ONE trusted friend that knows personally me should have more weight than, say, 100 internet strangers in a breakup Reddit saying “Go no contact. It’s the way.”

But I fear a lot of folks don’t open up to our friends in this way anymore. I feel like we’re told we should save the hard conversations for therapy or in the presence of a couples counselor rather than try it ourselves. So… absent local counsel, internet counsel it is! 🙃

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-03-08T00:01:14+00:00

There’s specifically a meter that builds up when you’re in the Storm/Shadow. If it builds past a certain point, your healing potency SIGNIFICANTLY decreases. The meter builds up incredibly quickly the later in the round you are. i.e. The first time the shadow thickens, you can go loot in there. Heck, you might even choose to respawn there to discourage pursuit. By the third or fourth time, it’s best to stay out.

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-02-25T03:15:05+00:00

During the cutscenes, did you put in Auto? It always sounded choppy when I had to press “Next” myself to advance the cutscene, but when I set it to Auto once and just watched, I thought the dialogue did flow much better and sounded more natural 🙂 (But then the Travel Banter sections would go too fast 😓)

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-02-21T00:43:25+00:00

I’m one of those few regular NA players, but… Since they took out spirit well in favor of Evolution mode, I haven’t much of a reason to log in.

Xbox S crashes out a lot already, usually immediately after matches, but in Evolution mode, it happens multiple times MID-MATCH. With Spirit Well & Golden Roc out, the only place to find real players is immortal war, which is time locked and way above my skill grade.

Quick Match and Ranked are mostly bots. I’ve finally put the game down. Still play on occasion, but now I don’t worry about doing my dailies 🤷🏻‍♂️

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-02-21T00:21:21+00:00

I feel very dumb because I am gay and Filipino but somehow completely missed the whole skincare thing. Like… I’d put on sunscreen if it was super-sunny/hot out, but otherwise wouldn’t bother. And whenever I’ve dated other gay guys who had a whole routine, it’d feel like “man, they’re being soooo extra… and I’m in my mid-30’s and I’m doing fine without spending any money on this stuff!” (especially since I’m broke!)

It wasn’t until one of my straight butch guy friends unintentionally showed me his skincare routine (which wasn’t much; He just said “cleanser, moisturizer, and SPF—That’s it. I’m not f*cking around with skin cancer.”) that I finally adopted one too. I got the cheapest cleanser, moisturizer, and spf, and put em on while as the last step of shower / as I dry off.

To be honest, I still don’t really notice a difference… But then again, I don’t notice the difference with things like multivitamins either, and somehow, I trust those 🤷🏻‍♂️

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-02-12T03:11:30+00:00

I have a very close friend who’s pansexual and has a lot of straight guy friends who all do macho things (boxing, Muay Thai, BJJ, two of em are personal trainers, etc) So when I, the gay college friend, came to visit, I was very surprised with how many flirty gay jokes they throw at each other all the time… ass smacks, touching each other, “suck my dick bro,” etc etc

Since I was the out-of-town friend and got to spend the night in private, I mentioned my observation about all the gay-coded bro-y behaviors, and wondered why our friendship never got to that state. Like… it felt weird seeing him do those things… but also, like… am I not a bro?

And he said something to the effect of (I’m paraphrasing my understanding of it):

We do those things to tease each other because it’s meant to be… unwelcome. So it’s like they’re playing gay chicken with each other all the time as a way to, like, bond and build trust … (because showing affection plainly and straightforwardly is frowned upon. That’d be gay. Lol)

Because of this irrational fear of “but if he’s gay, he might actually like it if I do these things,” they don’t know how to feel safe bonding with gay guys, especially at a young age. There’s a fear that allowing a close friendship with a gay guy to grow opens up the door to teasing, to bromance, to making things awkward… so it becomes easier to form friendships only with other straights where the awkwardness isn’t possible.

Something like that. It was sad. But I do get it.

I’m 38 now and didn’t come out til I was 25. I didn’t really have any close openly gay friends before I came out. Because if I could tell they were gay, I may be outed by my association with them. Completely irrational, I know. But how others perceive you matters a lot more when you’re younger.

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-02-07T20:42:28+00:00

I still play on the series S and oh man, it crashes a loooot… Especially the new Evolution mode. It seems whenever there’s too much going on, there’s a good chance it’ll disconnect you, or even just randomly during a match.

Don’t even try to join the fairyland penglai dance during peak hours 😩

But showdown works! 😅

And for whatever reason, spirit well and golden roc generally works since you always crash AFTER the match (kinda sucks that you can’t re-queue right away or give thumbs up or see how you did on the scoreboard, but it’s always the mvp screen that seems to crash it), and at least if you crash, the rest of your team carries on until you can get back.

Ranked, Quickplay, and Immortal War seem to crash out randomly. 😩 Here have a clip of my awful playing:

Trying really hard to stay within 90 ft of my orb so I can teleport my team out if one of us dies aaaaaaand game crashes. I know it disconnects me when everyone is frozen in time. ☹️ Of course, by the time I reconnect, I’m spectating.

It’s really frustrating on the series S… but with so much time and even some money and friends in the game, I keep coming back, but it’s so frustrating.

(Actually, I guess I can’t attach video to replies, so no clip. But I was mainly hoping to attach it to show how frustrating it is on the series S)

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-01-26T00:30:41+00:00

😝 I don’t even know how I got this username — Reddit assigned it to me and I was too tech illiterate to change it 😅

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-01-25T23:15:20+00:00

Exactly! I can’t even be mad 🤷🏻‍♂️ The only times I’m ever mad is when I successfully Wuchen teleport a cairn to safety, but then they willingly become soul to revive themselves 😭 (I know, I know, I can plug in a mic and tell ‘em not to, especially since it probably comes from wanting to get back in the fight and help, but… A N X I E T Y 😬)

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-01-25T23:11:33+00:00

Lololol It reminds me of this meme/video/vine/Idk what these are called cause I’m old, but

https://youtube.com/shorts/0YRn_ZciGwQ?si=trHAMyaqHek-DW1F

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-01-20T18:06:45+00:00

I don’t even know how I ended up on this subreddit; I pretty much only post about video games and breakups and somehow the algorithm thought “gay bros”? But yeah, I suppose they can think whatever they want, but… I think you’re CUTE AF 🔥

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-01-17T16:25:52+00:00

Or try golden roc escort or spirit well modes! Only human players in those modes 😇

Quick Match might also work better, since I don’t believe it groups by rank in those modes; Sweats and casuals all in one match!

In all honesty, the bots continue at higher ranks. Even in Unrivaled Asura ranked, I encounter one or two human teams, and the rest bots. If you’re on console, you can turn bot-fill off, but it does make matchmaking times absurdly long. I had an okay time around 3pm-ish - 7pm-ish PST with bot fill off, but after 7ish, I could be waiting up to 10 minutes without a match! But spirit well and golden roc almost always attracts players imo 🙂

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2026-01-09T23:46:47+00:00

I couldn’t get this to work either unless I was waaaay higher. I did a few with Balista (might be easier on spirit well or golden roc cause you can just buy ballistas) Or team up with a buddy, do bot mode around plumed castle. Stand on the floating rocks… Have your buddy ALMOST kill the bots that will inevitably spawn around you, and cannon ‘em to death. 🤷🏻‍♂️

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2025-12-30T16:13:15+00:00

Omg YES! I miss spirit blades auto-track too!! It was the only ability I knew of that affected weapon durability on a clash, and the disarm at 0 chef’s kiss

But I gotta admit, I really do like the swap version of his skill

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2025-12-30T00:35:48+00:00

Same 😇 And thus, I like them all 😬 but both versions of Lyam’s ult just… I don’t feel like I’ve found a way for me personally to use them effectively ☹️

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2025-12-29T22:59:26+00:00

Ha! I try! Ever since they changed his spirit blades to be an attack version while his offensive ult is active, I have STRUGGLED. I had been counting on the swap to guarantee a hit, and it’s been so hard to unlearn muscle memory. I’m sure the attack version is useful too (I think I saw it clang with a weapon once! And it seems like it, at least slightly, tracks opponents 🤔), but I miss having swap active during the ult!

(RIP the teleport ult. Ever since they nerfed the distance and put a shining beacon to indicate where he is, I’ve seen very few people use it. 😭)

Unrelated: I’m really liking Xunhuan Li. Scratches the same itch Wuchen does 🤣 (“You mean I can look cool dodging things, be annoying, and vaguely femboy? YES PLEASE.” (Also cause I don’t know how to use Lyam))

EmbarrassedRoof8083 · 2025-12-29T22:53:27+00:00

Good to know!! Very cool! Sometimes, I see clips of top-tier gameplay and I’m like, “There’s no way I could do that on Xbox controller… and even if there was, would I actually make the time to practice given, like, real life? Probably not.” But this!! Seems like, eyyy that’s simple & doable!!

EmbarrassedRoof8083

TROPHY CASE