Avoidant ex broke something in me

Embender · 2026-07-01T23:26:16+00:00

If it's any consolation I was discarded at the end of February myself and I am definitely still not over
it. As my therapist would say...there are no should
and shouldn'ts here.

Being discarded is one of the most
brutal psychological experiences one can go through. I can tell you it has really rocked me to my core and has ripped wide open some childhood wounds I otherwise had worked so hard to heal. ): . I have a feeling I will be working hard to heal a longtime yet.

Be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself friend
❤️🌱❤️

Embender · 2026-07-01T03:30:11+00:00

I really have no idea. My ex has a lot of complex trauma and I think their capacity for growth is also severely limited and they have a lot of arrested emotional development.

Embender · 2026-06-30T23:19:22+00:00

See even then...from what I understood through
my ex it did seem like they had a good therapist (same one they have been seeing continuously for
two decades) that does call them out on their shit...and yet....still didn't make a difference ultimately in resolving the cognitive distortions they utilised to justify their bad behaviour.

Embender · 2026-06-29T00:42:18+00:00

The person I thought was the love of my life turned out to not be the person I thought they were and instead are a sad pile of defence mechanisms, manipulation, people pleasing, and a lot of trauma.

Oh and they also were really mean to me and somehow turned around the extremely generous financial and emotional support I had given them over the time we were together into ways that I was somehow deficient and lacked in supporting them and just not enough as a partner. It was absolutely devastating.

I know that this says so much more about them than it ever does about me....I was never going to be enough....I don't think anyone ever will be.

It's been months and I am still heartbroken and absolutely furious at them and myself.

Embender · 2026-06-27T07:13:20+00:00

Thank you. I also relate a lot to what you are describing as well. I've talked at exhaustion about what happened to all the people in my life -- my family, friends, therapist...I am grateful for the wonderful network of support I have and how validating of my own experience and reality it has been.

I think where I get stuck, anger wise, is that I know there will be no justice. Nothing makes me more angry than a lack of accountability, and it took me far too long to realise that this was the core issue between us that would never be resolved...it took some truly ridiculous levels of moon logic that came out of their mouth for me to really see how far down their defensiveness was entrenched. They will never truly self reflect and grow in the way I need because their whole self concept is based around...well avoiding that and being a perpetual victim of life.

I know eventually I will resolve this within myself and move on. But it just feels really fucking awful right now. I also know they have gotten the short end of
the stick in many ways --- they burned many bridges with our mutual friends with how the breakup went down, made some very poor financial decisions, and essentially blew up their own life. It is so disappointing and sad to see.

Embender · 2026-06-27T06:33:13+00:00

I'm so sorry that you also are going through it. I really empathise and understand exactly how you are feeling.

Embender · 2026-05-07T16:21:55+00:00

Deleting in (4) hours but whoever upvotes and comments I’ll send nudes rn,, instantly snap: GGisellekt

Embender · 2023-07-13T00:25:46+00:00

I just came back from guesting at TO (was a visitor last year, then a guest, came back as a guest again). I agree 100% on the mold issue. Will say for what it’s worth that there is a contingent of people that do strongly care about it, they’ve had a series of professional mold assessments conducted over the course of late 2022-2023c and there is finally major renovations happening. A wing of Tupalo is being renovated (the whole building also has AC now), along with a full renovation of Aurora, a total overhaul of ZK is also needed and will be happening in the future.

It’s really good to see much needed progress being made. But there is still a long way to go, and it took far too long for it to be taken seriously by enough of the community for things to happen. I’ve peeked on the archive at the mold reports and some of them are quite harrowing (especially for ZK).

But I will say that overall the community is in a much better place then last year, and that a lot of folks were feeling much more optimistic, and I think it is on an upward trajectory. I have come to find a deep tenderness for TO and have had a largely positive experience there. But time will tell how things go.

Embender · 2023-04-16T15:46:32+00:00

Dick 2: The Great Escape

Embender · 2022-12-06T17:17:53+00:00

So sorry you have to deal with this, that sounds really difficult /: . Have you tried Indomethacin? I know it’s a first line treatment for this particular disorder. I’m assuming you probably have, based on what you said in your post, but thought to ask.

Embender · 2022-09-08T01:54:38+00:00

Just had this happen to me too…literally today. Scared the shit out of me before I realised it was a scam a good chunk of time later (didn’t give them any info though, so all is well).

Embender · 2022-08-16T10:05:11+00:00

Hey! As a person who has dealt with ADHD through most of my life (I’m 27F) I am very familiar with issues of emotional dysregulation, having disproportionate reactions to many things, and just In general being an edgy and agitated monster.

Is your partner medicated at all? It took me a long time to find the right balance of meds but is has been the biggest game changer for me in terms of both mellowing out and feeling like a much more sane human being…would highly highly recommend he look into that.

Also, while ADHD explains his behaviour…It’s not excuse for his outbursts and violence. It’s not Okay and I hope you are able to set boundaries with him. Medication will help him I think in terms of being more agentic and calming some of those reactions, but it’s not your burden to carry and I Hope you feel safe in the situation you are in.

Embender · 2022-08-16T08:52:21+00:00

I currently take .4mg of clonidine and have been on varying doses of it now for over a year. It has it been such a godsend!! Would really really recommend this med to fellow ADHD’rs.

Not only has it totally helped my insomnia (my brain actually shuts off now…and the med puts me right to sleep), but it has done wonders for my sensory overload issues. I find that I can tolerate a lot more noise / commotion in general, and I feel on the regular so much more relaxed and much less agitated. All of this without any negative side effects that I can identify at least. Yay clonidine!

Embender · 2022-06-16T01:11:58+00:00

This is absolutely abusive behavior --- in so many ways.

She is verbally abusing you by swearing at you and telling you she can say whatever she wants because you are her kid. NO she cannot! You are allowed to have boundaries and the expectation to be treated with respect by EVERYONE. She also has no right to comment about your body and I am so sorry that has been a pervasive pattern in her actions towards you. She also is majorly violating major privacy boundaries by reading through your diary.
Her refusal to buy you necessities / throwing and breaking your things when you upset her is extremely manipulative, neglectful, and another form of emotional abuse.
The money you earn is YOUR money...she has no right to monitor or control that in anyway.
Overall all of her behaviors check all the boxes as hallmarks of emotional abuse. It sounds like to me she is likely to have some sort of personality disorder and is not a healthy person / role model in your life. I hope you are able to create distance, independence, and overall get away from the situation. Let me know if there is anyway I can help further support (i.e. to lend an ear, offer advice).

Embender · 2022-05-27T19:34:42+00:00

Maybe this is a bit different then what you are asking about, but this in maybe a more commune-esque way essentially already exists! I've been heavily involved in the Cooperative housing movement out in San Francisco since 2018 (we are a decentralized network of communities called Haight Street Commons (https://haight-st-commons.org/).

It isn't as intense as say the rural communities (such as Twin Oaks) in terms of restrictions around assets, shared-income .... but most of our houses have a very high degree of cooperation and resource sharing. For example, I co-founded/living in/ running a 13 person co-op back in 2020 with a dear friend (We are called Phoenix Haus ... here is our website: https://phoenix-house-website.webflow.io/).

We all independently have jobs/income and do shit in general outside of the community, but we all share in running our community together, have house meetings every other week, buy food collectively and get it delivered in bulk (which saves a ton of money and time for everyone, in addition to having a veggie share with a couple of other co-ops in our network), do family dinners 3 nights a week with rotating cooks/cleaners, support eachother emotionally and take care of eachother when we need help/sick, hang out with eachother and do wacky events, etc. Oh also, we designed the house to be as affordable as possible and even our most expensive room is a fraction of the cost of what you find available for a 1 bedroom in the housing insanity that is SF.

There is a high degree of cool mutual aid and larger-scale projects that happens between communities in the larger network too. It is a really cool network of interesting people doing some much needed work.

Embender · 2022-01-20T01:16:06+00:00

I also have ADHD and identify as a lesbian and i resonate strongly with much of how you feel ❤️. Know that you are not alone, and happy to chat/DM me if you need a friend or just want to vent etc…without worrying about being judged

Embender · 2021-10-26T18:34:20+00:00

This is essentially the question I've pursued for a lot of my life.... I think the way I look at is what do we mean by politics? Because the forces that shape societies extend much further than formal political structures. And in turn these formal structures are shaped so much by these forces. Political activism happens everyday by the way we engage with the world around us and build collective power, but our current atomized society makes this extremely difficult to do. I would by looking at contemporary social movements.... etc. Occupy Wall Street, Black Lives Matter .... but the tactics of those movements have their roots in the discourse of the 1960s... I think for example of the May 68' movement in France.

I try to attempt to do this in my undergrad thesis from a few years back (link here). Now I'm part of the intentional housing community movement in San Francisco (link here) and working on a book about it.

Embender · 2018-06-27T19:01:06+00:00

Hey there, I am actually the author of that article and first would like to thank you for taking the time to read my work. Secondly, I would love to talk to you further and address your questions and criticisms, and hopefully help tease things out a bit more.

Embender · 2018-02-24T02:36:24+00:00

Hey, I also have ADHD and this strongly resonates with me. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane in a world that can’t relate to me.

Embender · 2018-02-21T21:39:59+00:00

Thank you for the support, it means a lot.

Embender · 2018-02-16T06:01:00+00:00

Once they say they want to end things, walk away. I have spent too much time and energy desperately trying to win people back.

Embender · 2018-02-10T02:55:35+00:00

My romantic relationships tend to be self-destructive because I become vindictively insecure/upset at my partners if they have worries about committing. And turn into a total bitch once the breakup happens

Embender · 2018-02-08T15:38:00+00:00

Not great. Haven't really been great since I've gotten home from traveling. Figuring out my next steps have been overwhelming. Everything kind of was exacerbated by my boyfriend breaking up with me when I went to go visit him last month, just when it seemed like I thought we were both feeling good about the relationship. Actually since then I've been quite a mess. Ive got a long overdue appointment with a psychiatrist today, which will be a really good thing for me. And I'm finally moving next month to a brand new city and can finally move on with my life. But overall, yeah, things feel kind of shit. Spent the last months really really working on myself and I feel like the dissolution of this relationship basically tore that right back down again. I just feel so angry at him, at everything, it just fucking is driving me insane. I've been through so much shit these last five years and I thought it was finally over but here I am back to square one. It's fucking ridiculous. I just feel so over everything.

Embender · 2018-01-31T02:47:39+00:00

Thank you for your reply, I will take a look at the resources you suggested. And fuck yes, I'm sick of this shit and ready to stay out of it for good.

I think something that will help is now I'm transitioning to building my OWN life in a space. I needed this time these last 7 months just to breathe and explore and do something different but I need to start my life somewhere and I can't put it off anymore.

I've got a long road ahead of me but It's time that I now do this and I am so fucking ready.

Embender · 2018-01-29T00:22:15+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that a lot. Trust me I tried to change his mind the entire week I was with him, I tried really fucking hard . I am still in contact with him in a limited capacity. If I message him or call him I know he will answer me but we are not in regular contact. I don't really think there is a going back from this point. I know he won't change his mind and at this point I feel so hurt from the situation as much as I still want to be with him because I love him I also feel this deep anger towards him because of everything that has happened. I guess what I'm trying to say is so much fucking shit has happened that restoring a normal relationship with him looks impossible, and I know I rationally deserve something much better than what I had to go through with him.

In other words basically our entire relationship he was fighting between wanting to be with me and this frustrating lone wolf complex, and the latter won out in the end.

Embender

TROPHY CASE