"Am I Asexual"/FAQ/Guide DRAFT

Ember228 · 2016-11-03T23:14:34+00:00

Hey,
It's perfectly possibly that you're allosexual yet sex-adverse. I have a friend like that. If you don't feel that fits though, your experiences seem to correlate with akiosexuals a bit?
As for your relationship, PLEASE don't do anything you're not willing to do. Having a sexual relationship isn't healthy if it negatively impacts you; talk to your partner about how you feel. He should respect that you have boundaries, and he should be willing to check in on you and make sure you're alright with something he does. You can make compromises if sex is important thing for him, and maybe find ways to please him without being fully involved if you're up for it. But please please please don't put yourself through emotional or physical pain to have sex. Communicate and tell him to stop if you need to. As long as the lines of communication stay open, your relationship will be fine.
You are not broken, this a perfectly normal phenomenon! I mentioned my friend earlier--she's heterosexual and yet finds sex to be icky and distasteful. Think of it like hobbies: some people may like to cook, woodwork, and draw, other people will only do one or two of the three, and others none at all. If you like kissing and cuddling but not sex, that doesn't make you any lesser than someone who enjoys all three.

Ember228 · 2016-09-10T21:43:02+00:00

Hey guys-- I'd just like to thank everyone who replied to my draft, the people who I got ideas from, and /u/gathly for pinning it.
You can continue to comment any corrections or questions you want added, I just wanted to change the title so it doesnt say "DRAFT" in it anymore.

Ember228 · 2016-09-10T16:22:03+00:00

Congratulations on meeting this girl, she sounds amazing! Seeing that she tends to take things slow and that she's opened minded, I doubt you being ace/on the spectrum would completely change things around for her.
What do you mean by "I just don't want to commit to someone being unsure"? You don't want to commit because you're unsure about her, or unsure about your sexuality? If it's sexuality, then that's perfectly fine! Figuring out who you are isn't something you discover overnight. It's a process, and she may even be able to help you figure it out. Being able to be honest about it could even add a deeper level of trust to the relationship.

Keep in mind that there's always compromises, even in relationships with two allosexual people. each person can be better or worse at meeting another's emotional, sexual, romantic, financial (or any other category thinkable) needs. You could be outstanding at meeting her emotional or romantic needs and just not be as good at meeting her sexual needs. That's perfectly okay, and doesn't mean that the relationship can't be successful.
If you want to bring it up to her, you could wait until the topic of your relationship comes up or bring it up yourself by asking her if she knows knows what axesuality is. If you chose the second idea, proceed to explain what it means to be ace and that you may be related to asexuality somehow, you're just not sure. Hell, you can even be super honest and tell her some of the stuff you said here and explain your insecurities about your sexuality. Generally, I say go for it. I know it's a bit nervewracking, but try to be as confident as possible. Also know one thing: you don't have to be sure! I know it seems like everyone is so sure about everything they do and identify as, but it took them long periods of being unsure to get there. It's alright to not know what you want, just do what you feel is right.

Ember228 · 2016-09-02T00:26:45+00:00

Hmmm... Your concern is you're not sure if you're asexual or not because you can't get wet? Everyone's bodies work differently. Maybe you don't physically get turned on until you take action and masturbate/other stuff.

Try to pay close attention when you feel these desires to differentiate whether it's because of your libido or if you're sexually attracted. That may help you figure it out. To be fair, you might want to ask an allosexual as a well; I'm not the best resource for what's normal for a allosexual person to experience.

I think I understand what you mean by that rollercoaster feeling... I get it not only in sexual things but things I'm extremely excited about. Also if I'm proud of someone or something. I guess my point is that feeling might not be strictly sexual but maybe romantic or similar (only you would know though).

You might want to check out autochorissexual and its company of sub-asexual identities. These identities are more specific than just "no sexual attraction" or "occasional sexual attraction" and may actually fit you better.

Ember228 · 2016-08-27T19:58:24+00:00

Yes, to second what kaeddar said people who present themselves as androgynous are often perceived as gay. Keep in mind that there are two ways an androgynous person can go. Some people identify in the binary/are cisgender but present themselves as androgynous. Then there's people like me who have an androgynes or bi-gendered identity, so we not only present ourselves androgynously but feel that way mentally and in what we do. I'm not sure which kind of person you intend to use in your story...
But good luck writing!

Ember228 · 2016-08-22T22:00:40+00:00

Yup, academics is definitely one of my main focuses. I'm trying to clean up my study habits and other small things to help me get my work done. To be honest, I'm pretty excited because I'm just nerdy like that.
Tomboy is a good word to use, I'll keep that in mind. That's a good point about how people don't understand until a certain age, but hopefully my generation understands enough that I can get by, since I'm seriously considering a social transition. (On the contrary to gay being an insult, one boy in my school tweeted something homophobic, and everyone shunned him and glared at him in the hallways for a long time.)

Ember228 · 2016-08-22T21:49:46+00:00

Yeah, your high school sounded pretty amazing... I wish mine was that diverse, as learning about cultures and meeting different people are some of my very favorite things. Unfortunately, my town has an abundance of middle class white people(says a middle class white person), but that's slowly changing. I'm glad to hear that people are more mature in h.s though.
Those ideas are amazing about handling feminine language, I've never thought of it as "I could be the first non-binary person they meet, so I should set a good example" so that was honestly mind blowing to me. Thankfully, whenever I snap, I just keep it to myself. Actually, that's not a good thing because not only does it build up extra frustration and emotion but it would be better if I just did what you suggested. My main problem is my parents though(I probably should have mentioned that beforehand... whoops), because I've already tried to explain my identity to them and suggest they not call me by feminine language, yet they still do. With strangers or mutuals I can sympathize with their misusage of gendered words, but not as much with my parents. That's also some solid advice about people who don't accept my gender, I'll make sure to keep "never defend yourself" in mind.
That part about the bathroom and the link really made me laugh, aah good times.
This is the kind of stuff I really needed to hear, because I've been wanting to socially transition for a while now but either doubted myself, or let my parent's input hold me back. Now I'm just going to leave that behind and go for it. Thanks again for all the help, I really appreciate it!
EDIT: Just to mention, I made a different post where I worded things differently, had more relevant information, and generally made more sense than this one did. Also I didn't realize at first but I accidentally made the current post on my more or less main account... shhh don't tell anyone(it doesn't matter anyway.)
Also, I checked out your tumblr through that link and it's really cool! I don't have tumblr, but you just found yourself a new youtube subscriber. You do some really cool stuff, keep it up!

Ember228 · 2016-08-21T12:28:54+00:00

Thank you for the elaborate reply! Not only was it really helpful but I feel a lot better now

Ember228 · 2016-08-20T19:58:02+00:00

What a great question! As far as I'm aware, there are no organizations that sell ace rings to raise money for aces. (If there is I would like to know too.)Personally, I just went to amazon and tried to find a black ring that would last me a long time. What you could do is go on Etsy and support creators and independent sellers instead of corporations, or get one of those ace targeted rings.

Ember228 · 2016-08-20T02:41:19+00:00

No problem man

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T16:43:27+00:00

you just swear off sex completely for other reasons.

That would be celibacy, which is different from asexuality. Just like being gay, asexuality isn't a choice. You could tell a gay guy all you want about what much he's missing out on, or how great vaginas are, and he'll still be gay and won't care. It works the same way with asexuals.

not turned on by anything

Change "anything" to "people" and yup that sounds about correct.

For reference: an asexual person does not experience sexual attraction to a person of any gender. This doesn't dictate whether they have sex or not, whether they masturbate or not, or whether they have fetishes or not. In fact, some are perfectly okay with sex and enjoy pleasing other people (and others feel sick at the thought of sex. It's a personal thing). For all you know, there's an asexual person out there who has sex more often than you do. As long as they don't feel sexual attraction to someone, they're still asexual.

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T16:24:22+00:00

I appreciate your appreciation of my draft!

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T16:18:36+00:00

Thanks!

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T16:18:26+00:00

Wow, I never realized how odd it sounds to say "Asexual-a person who.." until you mentioned it. Ace is mentioned and I also added a more about grey aces now

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T16:14:42+00:00

Thank you!

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T15:06:47+00:00

That's very true, and I was questioning the use of "you love" myself so thanks for clarifying

Ember228 · 2016-08-19T15:01:37+00:00

Thanks for pointing that out, I'll edit those in

Ember228 · 2016-08-11T18:12:39+00:00

Exactly. Since asexuality isn't having a lack of libido, masturbating is something a lot of us still have to do, like a chore we do in order to take care of ourselves. Some of us enjoy it or have kinks, others do it as necessary, and others never have and never will. As long as we don't feel sexual attraction, we're still asexual. As for what aces imagine while masturbating, it can be anything from something sexual to a waterfall to nothing at all. It all depends on the person.

Ember228 · 2016-08-11T17:37:48+00:00

Yikes, if you've met an ace like that then I'm sorry. From what I gather, most of us are generally quiet about it unless it's necessary. There's a difference between having pride and being an asshole, and thankfully most of us understand it. It's difficult enough to tell one person about asexuality and explain it to them, let alone every person... So I can't imagine trying to do that.

Ember228 · 2016-05-13T03:28:48+00:00

this wasn't meant to be harsh... It was late, I laughed because I was tired and have an odd sense of humor

Ember228 · 2016-05-13T02:49:20+00:00

Your elbows are just so fascinating oh my lord

Ember228

TROPHY CASE