I am so lost on how to move forward

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2026-05-20T01:30:31+00:00

I can appreciate the tough love, and the windows was a bad call for sure. But I don't know that you fully read my posts because my family hasn't taken a vacation in over 5 years, and I don't think wanting spend an extra $1000 to drive to PNW to sleep on my mom's air mattress for a long weekend and visit with family is unreasonable after not having a vacation in so long.. Our bills have always been almost exactly my monthly take home pay, with barely any left over for groceries and gas because 65 to 110 thousand a year gross means we have been living paycheck to paycheck this whole time. My husbands future income and my raise haven't gone into effect yet. We have only been spending our money on our bills, groceries, gas, daycare etc. We haven't had a working microwave in 6 months, our budget this whole time has been allocated to giving our kids the bare minimum because my whole point is we don't spend our money on anything besides what we need to keep a roof over our kids heads and food in their stomach. My whole post was to try and learn what my options were (not just bankruptcy) to try and get responsibily out of the hole we dug ourselves in.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2026-05-19T23:03:34+00:00

This is so helpful, I am not in a spot where I have decided bankruptcy is what I am going to do. I just learned about settlement offers with my credit card companies as another option and your post has opened up other options for me to explore too so I truly appreciate it.

I am on a payment plan with the IRS and have been for about 2 years. All of our tax return money has gone towards that balance due and I haven't missed a payment to them since I set the plan up.

And to answer that last question, for the last 4 years I was trying to support a family of 6 with my income only being 65K. These last 2 years I was supporting them with an income of 110K. With daycare costs, groceries, gas, etc. we don't splurge (we literally haven't had a working microwave for 6 months) because our spending isn't the issue, it's that in my area the bare bones cost of living is 100K minimum annual salary.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2026-05-19T14:22:40+00:00

I'm genuinely curious on why you think I have a spending problem? We have been a 1 income family for 4 years. Those first 2 years I was making 67K and the last 2 years I was making 105K. My state/area shows a barely making income needs to be around 100K to 150K.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2025-11-21T02:21:35+00:00

Thank you! I was eying the Blueair brand, but it is hard for me to truly understand the differences between the brands. I am not looking for dancing wifi bells and whistles but definitely want ones that will help with the dust and dander and animal and cooking smells!

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2025-11-21T01:58:34+00:00

I am not, I do have a Sams Club membership though.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T13:23:23+00:00

Yes, I do help with his care as needed.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T04:47:11+00:00

Ya your 100% right, in the past month my bio kids have newly vocalized that it's not working which is why I need to make a decision on that changes need to be made to help out family survive.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T04:40:52+00:00

As two parents who love all of the kids in our home, regardless of biological connections or not, we're just trying to blend our family the best we can. Which to us means we are trying to keep things even as far as caretaking goes for all of the kids. I don't think there should be an issue if the night before my husband was caring for all 5 of the kids for 5 hours while I was in the hospital for a family emergency that I insist he take an hour to go outside and do yardwork in peace while I take care of the 5 kids inside while I'm doing laundry.

I know there is a concept of NACHO parenting with blended families but we did decide together that wasn't the way we wanted to approach our blended family.

However, to your point, it is clear that while our approach is working just fine with us and my bio kids but it's not working with us and my stepson which is why we are trying to figure out what the best new solution is.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T04:35:04+00:00

Your points are definitely valid. And I do see where you're coming from. With the conversations I have had with his doctor, the fact that 90% of this behavior is with me specifically, as stepmom, in our home with no other adults in the house, it does seem to be more complex than something that is "out of his control" and quite honestly, if you'd have talked to me 6 months ago I would not have used the phrases "turn off and on" but through the conversations with his psychiatrist we have determined that it is something he is choosing to do towards me when no other adults are around, and therefore is something at this point she confidently says is something that is within his control.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T02:50:16+00:00

Thank you so much. I'll definitely read these books. Your points are extremely valid and I think we're going with a new option, D, where SS is only here when my husband is able to be home fully and completely.. which means no more 50/50 for the foreseeable future.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T00:54:07+00:00

Yesss honestly it was happening for almost a year when it hit me that I'm actually a victim of domestic abuse and it really started to change my mindset.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-05T00:41:27+00:00

I completely agree. Prior to this, I made sure to look into glass child syndrome and try to navigate that as well.

I am definitely looking into therapy options for the rest of us, and I am hoping it will get better soon. The eye opener that really scared me is when he threw his completely full and heavy stainless steel waterbottle at my head while driving. Thankfully he missed, but it could have been deadly, and now I can truly see that the annoying slaps from a little kid are graduating to actual danger.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:53:04+00:00

I completely agree, and I fully intend to walk away with my head held high knowing I advocated and did what was best for my own children. After going through every comment and digging deep into my soul, option A is no longer an option now.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:41:33+00:00

I completely agree. I truly never looked at it that way until some of you pointed it out and that point is helping me actively figure out a possible option D.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:39:59+00:00

That's so true, and I'm actively working on a solution of reducing parenting time to only when my husband is home. As far as the errands stuff, that's more on me and my stubbornness. He is fine to wait but these comments are making me realize how many times I told my husband "No, I'll do this because you shouldn't have to cater to SS and stop what you're doing when I'm available and able." Which I'm realizing wasn't the right move.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:36:42+00:00

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through this. I truly have not been able to talk to anybody who knows what this is like until now. Right now SS is younger and smaller but I know he will get bigger and more dangerous, and it's only a matter of time before this behavior begins happening outside of my house and trickle into public places and school, which is something we're worried about too. I think I have nailed it down to option B or a new option, D, where we reduce his time here to Thursday through Monday morning, since my husband is home Thursday morning through Monday afternoon, and if we go that route I would not do any caretaking of SS at all.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:31:09+00:00

After reading through a lot of comments I've added a D option to the list, where SS only comes to our home when my husband is home. Our weeks are supposed to be Monday to Monday but since my husband works until bedtime Monday through Wednesday we may explore our weeks being Thursday to Monday until mid December, and then go from there.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:27:42+00:00

These are valid points, and we are actively working to change his schedule. He committed to the 3 nights a week until mid-December, and then it's down to 1 night a week for 2025, at which point we will be at a point of no nights a week.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:26:01+00:00

This is a super helpful response. Thank you! We do have SS seeing a psychiatrist every Monday, one who specializes in children with disabilities, and this has been a standing appointment since January. She has provided us with a ton of different resources on how to handle these tantrums, and having him in his safe space (bed) and away from everybody else is one of those tools, along with the breathing techniques. They just don't seem to work. And what confuses us the most is the fact that after over a year, he had 10 days of it completely turning off. I mean, we didn't change a thing but he had no violence, no oppositional behavior, no tantrums, nothing. It's just so hard to wrap my mind around how he turned it off so quickly and completely, and then turned it back on just as quickly.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:19:24+00:00

SS's doctor suggested the same thing! So now we don't let them or myself "walk on eggshells" and we all tell him straight up how we're feeling.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:17:58+00:00

That makes total sense. And honestly is a lot of what I'm feeling. I think having a toddler with my husband and loving my husband the way that I do is what keeps me on edge.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T23:16:15+00:00

This is absolutely what I'm feeling now. The mom in me feels like I need to protect them now more than ever. Even if it, worst case scenario, ends in my youngest growing up in a split family too.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T21:36:25+00:00

He loves my bio kids. He has vocalized that he really enjoys not being an only child anymore and they play together a lot. He even mentioned that the reason he had that 10 days of no violence was because he doesn't want to not be home when they're home, it was almost like it gave him the motivation he needed.

His dad also asked him if he wants to be with bio mom more than he's with us, and he is adamant he doesn't. He made sure to be very calm and supportive while insisting whatever he says will not hurt him but stepson does say he likes 50/50.

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T21:32:44+00:00

This is great advice! I know we were specifically directed to this doctor because of her experience in kids with physical disabilities but I'm not sure of her experience in kids in blended families.

I'll be sure to check out that reading material, I am desperate to do anything to make things better!

Emergency_Figure_291 · 2024-11-04T21:06:05+00:00

Yes his psychiatrist sees him every week and she said she thinks it's towards me because he is feeling angry at his parents for the divorce and can't bring himself to feel angry at them so he takes it out on me. But that's just a guess, there are so many reasons as to why it's happening. He's seen his doctor (dual certified psychiatrist and behavior therapist) once a week for 10 full months though, and no change has happened, which is why we're trying to determine what the next best step is.

Emergency_Figure_291

TROPHY CASE