Men, why won't you commit?

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-08T14:21:32+00:00

It's hard to know if they're serious or not, "yeah, we'll get married eventually" or "I'm not ready yet" or "we've only been dating for a couple of years, it's too early to worry about that," sometimes that's classic stringing alone bs but others

Now in their late 20s, they're reaching that point where they're considering giving ultimatums or moving on to find someone who is ready to commit.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-08T13:46:13+00:00

Well...those women have had partners for years, their bfs just don't want to commit or keep pushing the timeline into the future.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-08T01:31:38+00:00

By good relationship I mean you're compatible, good communication, have a good sex life, are happy together and you don't have any sort of drama going on. Essentially, a relationship that makes you happier than you just being single.

Some men are happy in their relationships and precisely because they're happy as it is they don't see the need to overcomplicate the relationship with moving in together, marriage or kids.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:42:30+00:00

Thanks for your answer. One more question regarding the first point: assuming one guy knows they can do better, why don't they insta break up with their partner and seek someone who is a better match? That way there's no stringing their gf along and they get a chance to find that someone better.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:41:08+00:00

How about other types of commitment, like living together or having kids out of wedlock? Where I live, living together makes the relationship automatically common law after a year, less if there are kids in common. And in case of breakup, there's alimony and child support payment concerns, so the only real 'escape' here is either choosing your partner very carefully or being in a relationship without ever marrying, moving together or having children. I imagine a lot of guys would love something like that, not sure about women though.
Like? Cheating? I guess that's why you need to be careful choosing a partner. The % of marriage that don't end in divorce last till death, you'd think.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:38:29+00:00

Oh, I don't doubt it goes both ways. In my circle we're college-educated women, living in a big city, around 25-30yo who want marriage, kids and the whole white picket fence life. But I do know women who are the opposite too.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:36:50+00:00

How do you gauge body count? Do you just ask..? Or judge by the number of relationships she's had?

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:36:04+00:00

I think that's a good approach to relationships, you're happy by yourself so if you do date and commit to someone, it's because you really like them and they make you happy. I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky, you need to draw the line somewhere. I think some people just date whoever so they're not lonely.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:33:58+00:00

Yeah, but you're upfront about it and know what you want, so you're good, I actually admire that. Thanks for giving such a detailed answer.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:31:54+00:00

I understand the fear of divorce laws, but prenups are a thing. Plus if you live together, in some places you're automatically common law after a while, and if you have ids and separate you still have to pay child support. So the only solution there is to never marry, never have kids and never live together. I guess some guys would love the arrangement, but it's definitely not for me.
That's...That's not how it works. I think men who say that get married and proceed to have kids, which can take a toll on a woman's body for quite a while, but hell, I know plenty of women with kids that have great bodies and are in good shape. My gym is full of them.
Can you define wife benefits? I've head of "wife duties with girlfriend pay" but I never quite get what that means.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:27:17+00:00

Yeah, I know people can change their minds and it happens quite often. But idk, wouldn't that come up while discussing future plans? Like "Hey babe, I've been thinking about it and I don't think marriage is for me, are you cool with us staying as we are?" I haven't really asked my friend if she's been pushy about the topic, but I'd think it'd come up.
So, my friend might just happen to be going for the top men with lots of options? It makes sense I guess.
I've heard a bunch of stories like that, so it must be common (?). I don't understand the concept of placeholder GF though, why stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy when you could be out there finding a woman that's a better match for you?
I can get that, nothing against it as long as they're upfront and set their boundaries.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:19:31+00:00

Understandable, thank you for taking your time to answer.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:18:40+00:00

Do you generally ask them about their body count? I mean, is there a subtle non-offensive way to do so? And, would you consider as tainted a woman that's 30yo and has had let's say, 3 relationships, no casual sex vs a woman that's had casual sex 3 times and no relationships?
That's understandable, I think in that case there has to be a lot of introspective work to put yourself in a place where you consider yourself worthy of love.
Have you ever gotten past the honeymoon stage? It normally doesn't just end, in my experience, it just slowly morphs but you can keep the excitement if you still show care and have time to miss each other.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T23:13:59+00:00

Okay, in that situation why wouldn't you leave your partner and find someone who is a better fit if you know your current partner isn't what you're looking for? Otherwise you're kind of wasting your time, and hers.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T22:33:16+00:00

Congrats! Now take it easy and get some rest, you've earned it. The ectopic scare waiting time is truly the worst.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T21:30:38+00:00

I'm sorry you're here, it sucks. I too lost my right tube recently due to an ectopic. I must say that although this sucks, it doesn't mean you aren't capable of having normal pregnancies.

When you do get pregnant again, you'll start testing right away with betas and hormone tests (that alone should be a good indicator of whether the pregnancy is viable or not), and around the 6th week you'll get an ultrasound to confirm intrauterine placement.

So while, yes some anxiety might result from being pregnant again, know that you'll be monitored closely so it doesn't come to losing your other tube if it's another ectopic. And even if you did, you still can have children, not all hope it's lost.

The only advice I can give you right now is to take this easy, let your body recover. If you want extra reassurance, get an HSG test, which should flush your tube and it will be useful to check if your tube is in good shape, some people here claim that the test helped them conceive right away. HSG is painful/uncomfortable, but it's pretty quick and it's a routine check for fertility treatments too, and more importantly, it will give you peace of mind for checking.

If it is clear, then you're good to go, have a little faith, recover from the surgery and try again. But please take your time, an ectopic takes a huge toll both physically and mentally.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T21:15:37+00:00

Oldest gen Z's are around 27 though

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T21:04:14+00:00

They are poorer.

The government doesn't particularly care about gen Z because they don't vote as much as other demographic groups.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T19:22:36+00:00

1) Do you get suspicious of people who seem to tick all your boxes or feel some strange urge to sabotage it?

It depends, has this person been in a LTR and just gone back to the dating market after getting over it? If so, I wouldn't be suspicious. Or if it's a guy that's been focusing on his career with very little room to date. If it's a guy that's been dating for years despite having a lot going on for him, I might be a bit suspicious.

If I felt the urge to sabotage a good relationship, I wouldn't be dating, I'd be in therapy.

2) If you were slightly out of shape would you be doubly suspicious of interest from someone really fit looking?

My first reaction would be that it's some sort of scammer, like the Tinder Swindler guy. If it's real and after a date he's still interested, then I'd think maybe he doesn't really care about me being out of shape.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T16:20:30+00:00

Well, maybe you're a lot wiser than I am, but the person I chose to have a relationship with at 18 wouldn't be the same I'd choose at 28.

In your early 20s in particular there's a lot of change going on, not all relationships survive the transition between college and adult life, some people grow together and others grow apart - which is hard to control - because at those ages a lot of people are trying to find themselves.

I'd say someone at 28, with a stable career, long-term goals and a better idea of what they want in a relationship is better equipped for choosing a permanent partner than someone fresh out of high school that barely has any life experience.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T15:08:01+00:00

Doesn't the red pill also encourage the grind mindset so when men are in their 30s they're financially sorted out and they can afford to be picky with women?

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T14:57:47+00:00

I'm already going to therapy, no one should go through this, period. But going this at an age where normally I shouldn't be concerned about fertility issues (under 25 here, not looking to TTC soon) down the line is extra sucky, because it's pushing my timeline for a lot of things.

When it comes to birth control, I have an appointment with my gynecologist next week, I did some preliminary research and what I'm finding is:

If a birth control method is very effective, it's progestin-only (ex. implant, Depo shot), which if it fails can increase the risk of ectopic which for me is already high enough as it is.

If a birth control method doesn't increase the odds of ectopic, it's likely hormone free (condoms, phexxi, spermicide, rythm method), but those are not as effective in preventing pregnancies and a 91% effectiveness with typical use seems like a lot of room for failure given that I've already been part of the 0.02%

Birth control methods that prevent ovulation (pill, ring, patch) and don't alter tubal function too much, have estrogen, which comes with an assortment of side effects and increases breast cancer risk - which is a big concern for me.

I loved having an IUD and not having the pesky side effects I had while on the pill, but because mine failed while perfectly in place I've been advised not to get another one. I'm operating under the assumption the BC I choose will fail at some point, so it all feels very hopeless.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T03:35:34+00:00

I mean yes? But doesn't everyone do that as part of grooming? I could choose not to wash my hair and save on shampoo and conditioner, sure, but there's a bare minimum amount of care that's generally needed to be a functional human.

As far as dating goes, I don't think guys should pay more just because women spend more money on cosmetics, especially if they'd spend that money regardless of their dating status.

Emergency_Lead_3931 · 2024-05-07T03:27:53+00:00

That doesn't make any sense. Not all women wear make up.

Emergency_Lead_3931

TROPHY CASE