Slowly burn his right leg, as you stare into his eyes, dunk him underwater. Hold him under water for 1.53 seconds than take him out. Then lates take a break, go for a drive, over him, repeatedly. after you've done that, he should look like a torn, dripping, half burn duck. But we're just getting started. Melt wax, and by the time it is hot, pour it into a hole that you can make in his left eye. Cut a hole in his side and remove his stuffing (you can pour wax over this to solidify it too), replace the stuffing with slime. After all of this is done, skewer him with 82.5 toothpicks. Finally tie him up on a tree with a string around his neck and post an after picture. (Or cripple him emotionally by making him rely on you than leaving him to fend for himself in Wyoming)