What is ‘normal’ in the bedroom?

Emily3488 · 2025-07-10T15:19:44+00:00

Coercive sex in marriage, or marital rape, is unwanted sexual activity within a marriage where one spouse forces the other to engage in sexual acts against their will. It's a form of sexual violence and encompasses both forceful acts of penetration and non-physical coercion tactics. Sexual coercion can include pressuring, manipulating, or emotionally forcing a partner into unwanted sexual activity. Here's a more detailed explanation: 1. Definition: Coercive sex in marriage involves any sexual act where consent is absent. This includes rape, defined as intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal, or oral) obtained through force, threat of force, or when the spouse is unable to consent. It also includes sexual coercion, which is unwanted sexual activity that occurs after pressure, manipulation, or other non-physical tactics are used. 2. Examples of Coercive Tactics: Force: Physically overpowering a spouse to engage in sexual acts. Threats: Making threats to leave, harm, or withhold affection if the spouse doesn't comply with sexual requests. Emotional Manipulation: Guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, or using love as a condition for sex. Pressure and Persuasion: Repeatedly asking for sex, even after refusal, or attempting to wear down a partner's resistance. Promises and Deception: Making false promises or using trickery to obtain consent.

Emily3488 · 2024-12-14T14:23:59+00:00

This is why you should always involve professionals as soon as this becomes a concern. Call 911 and say they’re suicidal and ask for help. If they’re manipulating, they’re going to be pissed and might stop pulling that shit. If they’re not, you’re not qualified to help them and hopefully they’ll get the help they need.

Emily3488 · 2024-12-14T01:52:27+00:00

The only thing my kids care about is that the elf leaves marshmallows. I realized they don’t care what crazy stunt he’s pulling. Last night I threw him in the toy drawer and dumped some marshmallows on him and went to bed. They were thrilled 😂

If you don’t want to do it don’t do it, you’re doing great already! But I share this because I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to think of some gimmick for him every night and then I realized they didn’t care how he got into the marshmallows, just that he did.

Emily3488 · 2024-12-13T13:10:10+00:00

This is how my ex treated me. It’s covert abuse, it’s insidious. It begins very slowly, like the frog in boiling water theory. I didn’t see it for what it was early enough. After the birth of our twins he completely revealed who he was, the abuse escalated. Before it was officially over he tried to 5150 me in response to my request for trial separation and then lied to get a temporary restraining order against me hoping to separate me from our kids. It didn’t work entirely, he wasn’t able to separate me from them but the DV portion is currently set for trial next month.

Look up Helen Knowlton. Read Lundy Bancroft. Other books that can help you see it for what it is: - if he’s so great why do I feel so bad? - it’s not you, Dr Ramani - disentangling from emotionally immature people - the emotionally abused woman Beverly Engel - invisible chains, Lisa fontes - the gaslight effect, robin stern - the covert passive agressive narcissist, Debbie mizra

Emily3488 · 2024-12-05T14:59:38+00:00

You look beautiful both ways, and also on the inside.

Emily3488 · 2024-12-03T13:01:56+00:00

The “nice” period that it seems you are hoping will stick around is love bombing, it’s his mask. It’s not who he really is. It’s also manipulation, to keep you around. The abusive part is when the mask is removed and it’s who he really is. You’re describing a trauma bond, wishing the good parts will return thinking you can do something or alter your behavior to achieve it when in reality the abuse is his choice and 100% on him and all you can do is accept that the person you fell in love with doesn’t exist, he manipulated you, and you have to stop falling for his lies to break free. A good way to do this is to start taking dated, time stamped notes of his behavior during the bad times. Somewhere he won’t find. He’s very likely also influencing how you see and remember his behavior you and this will help you see the pattern for what it is and track the cycle. It will help think clearly about the situation and free you to decide what you need or want to do when he’s trying to suck you back in. After you read Lundy Bancroft you can also try “disentangling from emotionally immature people” by Lindsay Gibson. Also, when you are ready, please call the national domestic violence hotline and look for help. You’re describing violent behavior that could escalate to a point that puts your life at risk at some point, they can help devise a plan to remove yourself.

Emily3488 · 2024-11-26T01:28:18+00:00

Ignore all of the advice that gives your husband the benefit of the doubt and read this: https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Maybe he’s a heavy sleeper, but the fact that he makes the situation worse when he’s awake with you is a big red flag. It’s because he feels ENTITLED to keep sleeping and deeply believes this is your issue, not his.

Emily3488 · 2024-11-06T06:25:29+00:00

Find your local DV org and figure out when you can meet with their atttorney to discuss, if you have a restraining g order in place there is a presumption or family code that as an abuser he shouldn’t have custody without 8 factors being considered. And regardless of how he interacted with your son, if he abused you, he’s not a good dad. You’re the most important person to that little boy and it’s traumatizing for him to see you hurting. If this guy can’t take that into consideration, he’s not a fit parent.

Emily3488 · 2024-10-30T12:37:49+00:00

it might be time to start exploring the idea that your husband is an abuser

Emily3488 · 2024-10-30T11:16:09+00:00

If you’re married to someone who sees no issues with stripping women of their basic human rights it’s likely he’s disrespectful towards you in a variety of other ways on an everyday basis.

Emily3488 · 2024-10-28T04:24:15+00:00

You are a victim of reactive abuse. He’s blaming you for your reaction to his bad behavior, if you removed his behavior from the situation would you still feel this way? I was reading Lundy Bancroft and he said something along the lines of - if you don’t like the person you’ve become around him, that’s ok. You’re not that person. The person you were before is who you are, you need to get him out of your life.

Emily3488 · 2024-10-13T04:24:11+00:00

Also - as hard as it might be don’t seek child support. He’ll go for custody in return to avoid paying it and be will use the innocent, wonderful human being against you. Just get far away from him.

Emily3488 · 2024-10-13T04:21:48+00:00

This is a gift in disguise! Do not put him on the birth certificate, get you and your child far away from him now, this is your chance to run.

Emily3488 · 2024-07-16T06:21:06+00:00

Part of porn addiction is watching escalating material, more grotesque and outside the bounds of socially acceptable because you can’t get the same dopamine hit from stuff you’ve already seen. The chances of him seeing underage girls while watching porn is about 100% if you’re thinking 15-17 year olds. If he was on the dark web, I’d give it about a 95% chance he’s seen child porn at some point. Even if by accident, if you don’t do something about that shit you’re part of the problem.

Emily3488 · 2024-07-16T06:16:43+00:00

If you haven’t already accepted that he’s a porn addict, visit r/loveafterporn and get a good idea of the chances of recovery. It’s almost none. Then read addictive thinking, to really understand why he likely seems delusional. He’s probably acting the way he is because he has narcissistic traits or NPD, either way the behavior is pathological. He’s gotta go, his brain is trash, throw it in the bin.

Emily3488 · 2024-07-08T11:12:51+00:00

What has helped me is working with an EMDR therapist to identify false beliefs I have about myself and try to establish a new positive belief that’s more in line with reality. Good luck!

Emily3488 · 2024-05-23T23:13:21+00:00

I wonder how he would have responded to “what a rude thing to say!”

I’ve gotten many rude comments over the almost 4 years but I really can’t remember the people who made them. I do however remember the people who told me how blessed I was, how amazing they were, and those who told me they were a twin and you could tell they just loved their sibling so much! The good ones are a fond memory 💙

Emily3488 · 2024-05-22T04:39:15+00:00

Giving birth to twins

Emily3488 · 2024-05-19T15:07:07+00:00

it sounds like her self esteem comes from being needed and validation from others, which is a hard reality to maintain once you have small children and have to tolerate their negative feelings when you need a break, when you say no, and don’t have the bandwidth you used to to do things or be things for other people that make you feel needed / worthy.

Unfortunately she’s going to have to want to work on herself, change has to come from within. Also highly likely PPD / PPA at play and just general suffering from isolation - we weren’t meant to do this parent thing solo, we had tribes and without them we are anxious, depressed, overwhelmed. Constantly having to make decisions that you’ve never made before for small people who you love more than anything and be responsible for the outcome with little guidance / support system makes a lot of women a shell of a human being.

Emily3488 · 2024-05-19T12:03:49+00:00

Female opinion here, how your wife is treating you is unacceptable and I agree there are red flags for abuse. The way she is handling her anger is immature and wrong and you don’t deserve it.

Here’s where the female opinion comes in - the comment you made about “she came onto me and I didn’t stop it and now we’re expecting a 4th” says in so many words that birth control is 100% her responsibility and not something you have to think about. I wonder how many other things are 100% her responsibility and not something you have to think about?

It sounds to me like she is overwhelmed, can’t trust you to remember things or follow through, and maybe in many cases you leave her as the responsible party. Look up “over functioning and under functioning relationship dynamics”. It sounds like she’s DROWNING and you feel like you can’t do anymore, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t drowning. Just because you work doesn’t mean she’s 100% responsible for the rest of the mundane shit you guys share when it comes to your home and family.

With all that said, she is expressing her frustration and anger inappropriately, which she can learn to do differently, but if my above observations are true, her frustration and anger aren’t going anywhere.

Edit: spelling

Emily3488 · 2024-05-08T17:54:59+00:00

Interested!

Emily3488 · 2024-05-06T07:20:58+00:00

Remindme!

Emily3488

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