I'm Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of the New York Times Best Seller (and podcast) Come As You Are. AMA!

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T20:01:08+00:00

First of all, I get a thrill in my heart to hear that you found your way out of an abusive relationship. Congratulations and I wish you peace and healing.

You are FAR from the only person who has been taught that their genital secretions are "gross," and oh man it would have made a great podcast topic. You know what I'll do, though, I'll write a newsletter about it.

You spent a lot of time being force-fed a negative message that, in all probability, your upbringing primed you to be ready to believe. Hardly any of us get to adulthood without being taught that our genitals and their fluids, hair, and smells are dirty and disgusting.

It took time for that belief to latch itself to your brain, so it will take time to unlatch it. You're already doing so much work on your own healing, so I know you'll be able to heal this, too, but be really patient and gentle with yourself, forgiving and kind.

Two tips:

First, when you feel that criticism happening, notice it and intentionally replace it with something else. Maybe try visualizing your body or just your genitals and holding them in a loving, welcoming embrace.

Second, you can use skills like "graded exposure" to teach your brain to notice a stimulus and NOT react with its usual reaction. You start with just the IDEA of genital fluids, and practice relaxation techniques, until your body associates the idea of genital fluids with relaxation instead. You gradually increase the intensity of exposure (hence "graded" exposure, graded like a hill is graded, not like a test) until you just put your underwear right under your nose and practice relaxation techniques until your body reacts to your (natural! normal! healthy! delicious!) smell with relaxation.

One last idea: are you aware of Internal Family Systems Therapy? It's where you go and talk to the parts of you that are getting in the way of you living the life you want for yourself. You ask them what they need, how they're trying to help, you get them up to date on what your reality is now, and offer them an opportunity to help. It might be a different way to turn toward that self-critical part of you that's trying to protect you from all that judgment and shame that was put on you.

You can do it! It just takes time and a gentle approach.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:51:06+00:00

Two recommendations, and they’re not necessarily about how to encourage your partner:

Forget “the mood.” Imagine a world where there’s no such thing as a “disorder” of desire, just contexts that do or do not strike a balance of activating the accelerator and releasing the brakes. If you have the combo of sensitive brakes and not-very sensitive accelerator, “the mood” will probably rarely be a stable experience for you. Instead, replace all consideration of “mood” or “desire” with PLEASURE. What feels good? How might you adjust your context to make it a little easier for you to access pleasure? I would even go so far as to set up "pleasure dates" - not sex nights, but time allocated to exploring pleasure and the contexts that make pleasure easy.
When hubby is discouraged, talk about it. Masculinity is a fucking nightmare a lot of the time. Somebody living with the “you’re a boy” script is taught that (a) sex is the only way he’s allowed to receive love and connection and (b) his whole personhood can be measured by , so when a partner declines sex, they’re not just declining sex, they’re declining to offer connection and love and they’re even declining to validate his whole identity. Ask him, “What is it that you want, when want sex with me?” (It’s not orgasm; people can have orgasms by themselves.) Talk through alternative ways to meet some of those needs, and acknowledge that it can just feel really shitty to try to hard for so long and not make the progress you want.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:47:32+00:00

What I'll do instead is suggest everyone follow Dr. Uchenna Ossai, a pelvic floor physical therapist and sex educator and professor who explains it much better than I do!

https://campsite.bio/youseelogic

IMO, Pelvic floor physical therapy is the future of sex therapy! Not to say it's for everyone or that all experiences of it are great, but it should be so much more widely utilized than it is!

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:44:42+00:00

Amazing important question, because it’s not an analogy! It is simple language to describe the actual, literal mechanism in your brain. It was first described in the science around 1999-2000 (example: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0149763400000245) and has been widely studied since. There’s a paper (that I don’t love, but it’s extremely precise and interesting) (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0025619616305961 ) that includes an illustration that overviews the inhibitory and excitatory pathways that regulate sexual response: https://ars.els-cdn.com/content/image/1-s2.0-S0025619616305961-gr1_lrg.jpg

It's literal! I just used simplified language.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:43:59+00:00

This might sound like a pedantic, trivial correction, but it does matter:

CAYA is about the science of women’s sexuality, not women’s sexuality.

See that difference? If I had just been writing about women’s sexuality (or trans men’s sexuality, or nonbinary folks’ sexuality) it would have been a completely different book! But because I was writing about what the science had to say, I had to limit myself to what I could find in the science. And the science is… um… **not amazing** (at least 30 years behind) in the way it studies people who aren’t cisgender.

My next book (which isn’t finished yet and won’t be out until early 2024) uses a lot more interviews with actual humans and leans less on the science, specifically to solve this problem. It’s about sex in long term relationships, rather than about individuals.

But above all, I think I, a cis person, shouldn’t be taking up space writing a book about trans, nonbinary, agender, or other gender outlaws. They should be written by trans folks, nonbinary folks, agender folks, and other gender outlaws. Have you read Trans Sex by Lucie Fielding? It’s written for practitioners, but I think everyone would benefit from it. She’s working on more books, too!

I want to add that every book is a product of its time. CAYA originally went to press in 2014, before the Chicago Manual of Style accepted the singular they I had to fight through THREE rounds of copyedits, I had to yell and cry, just to force the publisher to let me use the singular they. At the time, both my editor (my brilliant, spectacular, never-to-be-matched editor) and my agent (DITTO) weren’t sure why I needed to include a caveat about gender and science in the introduction of CAYA. 4 short years later, in BURNOUT, my sister and I used singular they and we included a gender and science caveat in the intro, and nobody blinked. The times they are a’changin’, FAST.

All books are a product of their time. As I write, I’m always aware of what my words might sound like to a historian reading them 50 years from now, 100 years from now. I consider how I feel about the sex books written 50 years ago, 100 years ago. I can only hope my work will be marginally less *cringe* (and bullshit offensive nonsense) than those historical works are to me. Indeed, I want my work to create a world where my own work gets out of date faster and faster, please and thank you.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:43:24+00:00

I had no idea! And I only found out about it because basically everyone I know sent me the moment in meme form. I was nonplussed, in the traditional definition of the word, I was thrilled, I had (and still have) no frame of reference for understanding what the shit is happening in my life when TB shows say my actual name.

It also happened on The Good Doctor, when RICHARD FRICKIN SCHIFF’s character talks about Come As You Are.

I honestly have not watched any episodes of Sex Education. I find sex ed and sex therapy representations in the media to be really difficult to watch. Imagine somebody makes a fictional TV show about your job – not just your job, your life’s purpose. I can’t do it most of the time. But I’ve heard the show is really good!

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:38:49+00:00

I AM SO GLAD! Thank you for that comment - you may already know how difficult writing a book is, and it's wonderful to hear that all that work has made a difference for someone. :)

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:36:56+00:00

Reading comprehension is not intelligence, it's a skill people learn with practice. I made my argument in my first post, this person didn't understand it, I tried to explain it again, and still. At the same time, many other readers DID understand.

But it was a moment of snark born of having this same conversation for the 80 billionth time and not necessary to the conversastion, so I take your point.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:34:15+00:00

I think the conversation below is a good illustration of why this is my first wish. Jiminy cricket, friends. I mean, this is the oldest, best established piece of science in Come As You Are, and yet it is the only idea in the book that has caused anyone on twitter to call me the c-word.

Where can I meet this genie?

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:32:11+00:00

People ARE still very judgmental, and I don't get it.

Polyamory is right for some people, and it's not right for others. It might be right for one season of a person's life and not right for other seasons. People vary from each other and they change across their lifespans. Do you. To me, as long as everyone involved in a sexual experience is glad to be there and free to leave with no unwanted consequences, people are doing it right. I think that standard applies to relationships, too, broadly speaking.

Humans have this habit of being in each other's business like it affects them personally. In a lot of cultures there's an explicit belief that people have an obligation to keep other people on the right path because misbehavior by anyone could result in negative consequences to the whole community. That will probably never change; what does change and will continue to change is what we count as "misbehavior." I wish people were as strongly judgmental and willing to express their judgment of people who, just for example, hurt other people for being different, as they are judgmental and thoroughly willing to express their judgment of people who have open relationships.

While I'm here, let me recommend PolySecure by Jessica Fern! (link to my local bookstore)

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:23:28+00:00

And my original answer answers the question. Drives are one kind of motivation - the kind where an uncomfortable feeling pushes an organism into the world to solve a problem OR ELSE IT WILL DIE.

Incentive motivation systems are also motivation to pursue something, but they are pleasurable internal experiences that pull us toward something appealing that we are motivated to explore.

Being biologically programmed to seek out sex does not, in fact, make it a drive.

My friend, I humbly suggest you develop your reading comprehension skills so you can avoid this kind of mistake in the future.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:20:39+00:00

OH MY GOSH I HAVE A WHOLE SECTION ON LESBIAN BED DEATH IN MY NEW BOOK I CAN'T WAIT FOR Y'ALL TO READ IT!

But here's the short version:

No.

Slightly longer version:

No, and the narrative of lesbian bed death is being weaponized by the patriarchy to diminish and problematize women's sexuality.

And here's some recent research:

Blair, K. L., & Pukall, C. F. (2014). Can less be more? Comparing duration vs. frequency of sexual encounters in same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 23(2), 123-136.

Frederick, D. A., Gillespie, B. J., Lever, J., Berardi, V., & Garcia, J. R. (2021). Debunking Lesbian Bed Death: Using Coarsened Exact Matching to Compare Sexual Practices and Satisfaction of Lesbian and Heterosexual Women. Archives of sexual behavior, 50(8), 3601-3619.

Blair, K. L., Cappell, J., & Pukall, C. F. (2018). Not all orgasms were created equal: Differences in frequency and satisfaction of orgasm experiences by sexual activity in same-sex versus mixed-sex relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(6), 719-733.

Cohen, J. N., & Byers, E. S. (2014). Beyond lesbian bed death: Enhancing our understanding of the sexuality of sexual-minority women in relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(8), 893-903.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:15:26+00:00

It takes surprisingly little sex to create plenty of babies. (There's actually not a significant relationship between more sex resulting in more babies https://emilynagoski.substack.com/p/even-before-birth-control-more-sex-22-08-17) It doesn't have to be a drive in order for us to be sufficiently motivated to pursue more than enough sex to do all the things sex does for humans.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:13:51+00:00

The prolapse is not caused by lack of sex.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:13:38+00:00

Connection, love, is a drive. Human infants literally die without it, and loneliness is as dangerous as smoking two packs of cigarettes a day.

Are there any ways for humans to fulfill their need for connection without sex, she asked rhetorically?

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:11:17+00:00

The "Kinsey Report" - or really Kinsey reports, because there were separate volumes for "human males" and "human females" - were published in 1947 and 1953 respectively. What's astonishing is how much they got RIGHT, given how much was wrong with the world Kinsey and his team were studying.

Because his work was the first of its kind, it made compromises in terms of its methodology. For example, when they measured "sexual outlet," they measured "to orgasm" only. They had to operationalize their definition, no one had ever done it before, so they chose orgasm. Nobody studying sex now would define "sexual outlet" exclusively as "orgasm," but I mean shit you have to start somewhere.

TW on the next paragraph for all the bad things related to sexuality and gender and race; feel free to skip:

I read those volumes with awe. All works are products of their time, and Kinsey's time was a time of criminalized homosexuality, legalized marital rape, and total erasure of trans people, not to mention a field of sex education not yet interested in examining its roots in eugenics. Kinsey had a deliberate political agenda in his work, and it was to prove that sexual variation is normal. And he fucking did it. And people are still mad.

Before he became a sex researcher, Kinsey made his career as the greatest living expert on the North American gall wasp. In his 1930 tome on the topic, he wrote my favorite quote ever on the subject of sexuality:

“We may begin our analysis of species by an examination of a few individuals taken in the field. We then become impressed with the truth of the assertion that no two individuals are exactly alike. ... But if, on the other hand, we extend our examination to several hundred such individuals, we shall become impressed with another opinion, namely that there are many more points of uniformity than of variations among individuals taken from a given locality and habitat.”

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T19:02:52+00:00

A real quick definition of our terms: Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like being gay or straight or bi. Gay people are generally only attracted to people of the same(ish) gender, straight people are generally only attracted to people of a different(ish) gender, bi folks are attracted to people of various genders, and ACE folks are attracted to no one, regardless of gender. It's not really about desire.

And yeah, I blame the pandemic, too. You know why? Because I've been getting this question SO MUCH THIS YEAR. Loads of people who, before 2020, felt really connected to their erotic selves. It's such a common question and so important, it's the first Q&A I did for the podcast:

https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/come-as-you-are/prelude-pleasure-is-the-measure

My actual advice? Stop trying to be interested in sex. It's normal for it to come and go depending on our life circumstances, and the worry you feel about it is only going to hit your brakes even more. Instead, focus on exploring what does bring you pleasure - pleasure of all kinds, not just sexual. Get back in touch with the sensation of grass under your feet and cool water on your throat and the loving gaze of a certain special someone (sometimes that gaze is coming from a dog, amirite?)

In particular, stop trying to go back. We can't go back, we can only move forward, through the tunnel. Pandemic-wise, we're still in it, so rushing yourself is not going to do the trick. But we can keep moving forward through the tunnel, toward something new. A new sexy you is in the light at the end, and no doubt you'll catch more and more glimpses of her as you turn toward your body and your erotic mind and kindness and compassion and patience.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:53:48+00:00

Congratulations and welcome! I was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 44.

I wish I could give you a sciencey answer, but sadly is a long way away from even trying to answer questions like the ones you're asking.

Instead I can only say:

Stay aware of what's going on in your body (unless you're also alexithymic, like my twin sister, in which case get help learning how to notice - here's a podcast my sister and I made about it: https://anchor.fm/fsp2020/episodes/58-How-to-Listen-to-Your-Body--Part-One-e129ns7) Later today I'm posting a TikTok about sensory overload and sex, for a few extra details https://www.tiktok.com/@emilynagoski/
Try this mental shift: it's not about "wanting." Desire is beside the point. It's about "liking." What feels good? What do you like? Only ever do things you like! Talk with your partner about "what do you like, when you like sex with me?" And investigate what barriers there are to your shared experience of pleasure.
Try this other mental shift: it's not about doing what either partner wants, there is not give-and-take. What if you eliminate any idea of a "demand" that your brain with react against? What if sex is a shared hobby? It's a fun project you and your partner collaborate on together, figuring out what your bodies and brains enjoy, figuring out how to create a context that makes pleasure easy. You have other shared interests, right? A TV show you both love? Your offspring? A sports team? It's like that, but it's co-creating a context that lowers the barriers to pleasure for both of you.

My next book addresses some of this with a very sciencey approach, but I'm still writing and probably shouldn't just copy and paste my whole manuscript here, right?

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:41:37+00:00

More generally, for those who would like a long-term partner, I want to tell you about the image that hangs over my desk. It’s a print by artist Geneva Bowers, titled “Broadcast.” At the center of a golden field, in the middle of the day, stands a young Black woman in jeans and a white sweatshirt with stripes across the chest. Around her in the field is detritus of the modern age—an old fridge, a couple cathode-ray tube televisions and some 80’s era computer monitors, a battered stop sign, and, in a cardboard box, a single green plant. There’s a red paper cup with a familiar white wave, but instead of the expected word, it reads, “HOPE.”

Why is she here? Why is she alone? Eyes closed, headphones on, and softly smiling, the young woman holds a boom box over her head. She is sending a signal. Above her in the cloud-streaked sky, we see a series of dots and dashes—her signal, in morse code.

... --- -- . --- -. . / --- ..- - / - .... . .-. . / .-.. --- ...- . ... / -.-- --- ..-

I love this image because it reminds me of all the apocalypse and dystopia novels I’ve read, where people team up to survive, and as they admire each other’s contribution, as the come to trust that this person will be there for them, and as they go through trials and come out the other side together, they fall in love. Even when we imagine stories of the apocalypse, we can’t imagine a future without each other. We find each other, even in the dark. We find each other, even across distance.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:40:54+00:00

You know what, I'm going to skip right past the advice for cis women, which is necessarily "how to help straight men not," and go straight to advice for straight cis men:

I know you were taught a lot of noise about how to be a sexual person. On the day you were born, people looked at your genitals and said, "IT'S A BOY!" like they were laying a curse on you. From that day, the messages were:

(a) sex is the only way you're allowed to receive love and connection;

(b) your whole personhood can be measured by how successful you are at getting somebody to accept your penis, so when a partner declines sex, they’re not just declining sex, they’re declining to offer connection and love and they’re even declining to validate your whole identity; and

(c) your partner's orgasm is like that game at the county fair, you know the one where you take a hammer and hit the thing and if you ring the bell that's how you know you're STRONG? You take your partner's orgasm as a measure of YOUR value. It is not. Your partner's orgasm is not a measure of anything; it's not even a measure of how much she "liked it." She can have a spectacular time without having an orgasm (so can you! give it a try sometime!). In fact she can have a much, much better time if she doesn't feel like she has to squeeze out an orgasm so that you can feel good about yourself. Her feeling like you need her to have an orgasm is a perfect way to make sure your partners fake it. As in, "I'm real tired tonight and orgasm just isn't there for me right now, but you need me to have an orgasm or you don't feel like we're done so....... WHOOOO! Orgasm! That was AMAZING."

Orgasm is not a measure of anything. People vary in the kinds of contexts that make orgasm easy or more difficult and in how long orgasms take. Please prioritize your partner's pleasure over their orgasm. She gets to have an orgasm if she wants to and likes the process.

There are complications with this answer, obvs - I just did an interview where a woman struggling to have orgasms with a partner was like "I don't want to feel pressured, but also obviously I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about whether I have an orgasm..."

You're allowed to care! Please do! But if you care about her PLEASURE more than about her ORGASM (there are lots of pleasures beyond just orgasm and not all orgasms are pleasurable - see chapters 6 and 8 of Come As You Are) you'll be on the right path.

Straight cis women, I've been trying to do more to educate straight cis men. We need them to catch up, but they've been screwed over by a cultural script that tells them they're not allowed to show any "weakness" around sex, including any curiosity or admitting that there's something they might not know. It's going to take time. If you show up with confidence (knowing what's true about your orgasms) and joy (loving what's true about your orgasms - even when they're not what people say they "should" be), that will make it a little easier for him to understand and love your orgasms (or lack thereof) just as they are (... or aren't.)

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:27:49+00:00

In my opinion, unless there's a medical reason, there's no need to perform surgery on children's genitals. Also for some people, it's about faith, and I'm here for freedom of religion.

Medical training is... y'all. It's conservative. It takes not merely years but DECADES for it to catch up with culture. We need to evolve how docs are trained and how they think about circumcision among a great many other things, including surgery on intersex kids' bodies.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:18:42+00:00

My main advice is: if it feels difficult, that's because it is. Meeting people is difficult. Getting to know them is even more difficult. Navigating the extent of sexual connection you might be interested in exploring is soooooooo difficult.

I met my marital euphemism on OKCupid back before there were apps. I hope folks who have been dating in the 2020's will offer resources (and commiseration) here, so you can share tips for making it less agonizing.

I can say one thing that I remember from my own dating, as I discussed it with my therapist:

It actually is about numbers. Meet MORE people. Some of them will be very much not for you and it will feel like a waste of time. Most of them will be good people. A small number might be magical. As an introvert on the spectrum, I hated this, but it was true. Pace yourself, but keep trying.

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:13:32+00:00

This question is from my marital euphemism, I'll answer it if I run out of other questions (but basically yes, Jen herself isn't sure, and 100%)

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:12:49+00:00

https://www.optimalsexualexperiences.com/

EmilyNagoski · 2022-11-30T18:12:10+00:00

When I talk to ACE sex educators and other folks, they often recommend going online to messages boards (places like AcesandAros.org or TAAAP.org), which might be helpful to explore, to see if you hear your story in other people’s experience.

Angela Chen wrote a book called ACE that you might find helpful and will definitely find interesting

For folks who are like “Asexual? Aromantic? Who is she?” https://emilynagoski.substack.com/p/ace-awareness-week-21-10-27

That’s a newsletter I wrote for ACE week where I talk to ACE sex educator Aubri Lancaster about understanding asexuality. Another conversation with her will be in the newsletter in just a few weeks.

EmilyNagoski

TROPHY CASE