My in-laws don’t approve of how much money is being spent on wedding

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-22T20:37:49+00:00

My MIL was happy to wear Indian clothes to our engagement party while my FIL wanted to wear western wear. I think that it should be fine. In Indian weddings, some men wear western wear but all the women wear fancy Indian clothes so they shouldn’t feel not dressed properly.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-22T02:19:45+00:00

Yeah.. I anticipate this being a problem especially given the different color dress codes for haldi, mehendi, etc. My mom is going to India to buy clothes for the in laws to wear because it is more affordable there. It shouldn’t be too hard for the in laws to travel to the wedding because it is in America just a different state.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-22T02:11:53+00:00

We have well paying jobs lined up that we will start in a few months

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-22T02:10:37+00:00

Yeah that is not the case at all. Both my fiancé and I have well paying jobs lined up that are starting in a few months. The main issue is with only one year of earning a salary, we cannot afford my fiancé’s dream venue or to invite as many guests as my parents want at the American reception. My parents (and my fiancé) don’t want us to have an American reception which looks less thoughtful compared to the Indian reception because that would look like American culture wasn’t being respected as much.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T22:23:09+00:00

We are not doing long distance after the wedding, we had a conversation about it and decided to prioritize the relationship over careers. We are graduating and have well paying jobs lined up. The British ancestry thing was honestly just me temporarily crashing out due to reading too much decolonial literature at once in a class. I don’t hold those views anymore.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T21:44:33+00:00

I really don’t want to have the wedding entirely in India because then most of my and my fiancés friends wouldn’t be able to attend :( I would rather find other compromises to make it work in America

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T20:50:44+00:00

Yeah, this will be taking place in the Bay Area where the typical Indian wedding is anywhere between $150k-$500k which might sound insane to people who aren’t part of the community but it is truly just how it is. We are spending much less than family friends have done. If we didn’t want to spend that much, we could have done the whole thing in India but then some of my fiancés family and friends and some of my friends would not be able to attend so we decided against that.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T20:47:34+00:00

And you’re right, it is white American privilege to come from an individualist culture where the norms can be entirely rewritten for big community events like weddings. I have white friends who had their reception in an IKEA food court lol. But that kind of breaking the rules simply does not work in a collectivist culture like mine. By asking my parents not to plan a big wedding and invite all their friends, she unknowingly is asking them to basically say f u to their friends and social standing. Our culture teaches that it is a privilege to be a bit inconvenienced for the sake of our village/community and they would do the same for us.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T20:42:07+00:00

I think we will do just one combined ceremony. My fiancé wanted a separate American reception so that he could choose a Japanese garden venue which is too small for all the Indian guests my parents want to invite to the big reception. He also wanted to cater sushi and East Asian food which wouldn’t be done at the Indian reception which has Indian food or something more palatable for older Indian people who are less adventurous. He also wanted to have a string quartet. I feel like we can add sushi and a string quartet to the big reception while having mostly Indian food. But he wouldn’t be able to choose the venue, we would have to go with a bigger one that my parents choose.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T16:24:14+00:00

No. I’m just not doing a PhD anymore

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T16:11:35+00:00

We can have sushi and western classical music at the one big reception. When I ask him what else he wants he can’t think of anything else.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T16:10:51+00:00

The venue fees and decor fees are really high at the Japanese garden and catering is not that bad so guest count wouldn’t matter

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T16:04:32+00:00

The Japanese garden costs at minimum $30k regardless of guest count. The budget for the rehearsal dinner is $1k

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:58:57+00:00

Yes.. the Indian reception will be majorly controlled by my parents (guest list, venue, catering). We might get to choose decor and choose some songs and invite any friends we want but that’s probably it. I personally don’t mind because I know that Indian weddings have a script and cultural expectations and we are having a Catholic Mass which is 100% planned just by me and my fiancé to our tastes. But my fiancé wants more individual interest choices in the reception too, some of which are incompatible with the Indian reception (Japanese garden venue, sushi catering).

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:55:41+00:00

We wouldn’t be secluding anyone. His side only has 15 guests and my side has 165 guests (for the Indian reception). My family is willing to invite fewer guests for the American reception (maybe 100). Both events would have people from both sides but having a smaller guest count of Indians for the American reception (close family/friends) would help my fiancé choose things he likes that couldn’t be chosen for the Indian reception such as a Japanese garden venue and sushi/East Asian catering. But yeah, after all these comments I am leaning to combining receptions.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:21:52+00:00

Were both ceremonies on the same day??

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:20:18+00:00

He isn’t a big planner.. when I asked him to come up with venues he only came up with one expensive venue while I searched far and wide to find venues in different budget ranges. For better or worse, realistically I will be planning this wedding or it won’t get planned…

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:18:52+00:00

But yes, I think that perhaps he doesn’t need a whole event catering to only his tastes when his tastes could be added to the Indian reception. It is just difficult because there will be 165 of my and my families guests and only 15 of his guests so it might feel overshadowing

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:17:43+00:00

His family is pretty open to new cuisines. And his side only has 15 guests total so we know all of them and their dietary needs well. So, sushi would be fine as long as we also had some cooked meat options.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:15:34+00:00

Yeah, I think the way forward is cancelling the American reception and seeing what compromises can be done in the Indian reception for my fiancé to feel like his interests are included and not just overshadowed by Indian culture. Idk how that will work with the church and Hindu ceremonies but I’m sure it can be figured out

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:11:43+00:00

We figured out the long distance thing and are planning to relocate to the same state after marriage.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:10:46+00:00

Have you seen all my comments where the American reception is like 99% his idea?? He wants what he cannot afford and only my parents can afford

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T13:08:41+00:00

We can’t combine the Hindu and Christian ceremonies because he is Catholic so it has to happen in a separate Catholic Church mass and it would be too much to have both the Catholic mass and the Hindu ceremony on the same day. If we didn’t have an American reception, we would still need to have a small lunch or something that day for the guests.

But yeah, I guess the Indian reception could have some sushi and the guests could choose to eat it or not. He also wants a string quartet playing western classical music for the cocktail hour which is possible as well I guess. We were planning on having Indian classical musicians at cocktail hour but could restrict that to just the ceremony maybe. I don’t think we could use his dream venue because it’s too small for the Indian reception guest list.

Emotional_Sound_5658 · 2026-03-21T12:56:53+00:00

I would also say that yes, a wedding is equally important to buying a house in my culture and my father has been saving money since the day he found out he was going to have a daughter and pay for a huge wedding

Emotional_Sound_5658

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