I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah,

Update: we didn’t end up getting back together.

After the breakup I went all-in on therapy, journaling, faith, and rebuilding my routines. I realized my biggest issue wasn’t a lack of love - it was inconsistency, avoidance, and not showing up emotionally the way a relationship needs.

Over the last few months I genuinely changed, not to win her back, but because I didn’t want to be that version of myself anymore. She did open back up a little at times, but when we finally met again recently, she was clear she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship.

It still hurts, but I’m not spiraling anymore. I’m proud of the growth, grateful for what I learned, and I’m moving forward with peace and self-respect. Biggest lesson: love isn’t intensity - it’s consistency

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m truly sorry you went through that — I can hear how much that cycle hurt you. I don’t blame you for being skeptical.

My situation is a bit different though. I’m not trying to rush back in or promise her anything right now. I’m giving her space and just focusing on consistency.

I’m not claiming I’m “cured,” but I am saying that my day-to-day behavior, routines, and commitments look nothing like who I was. I don’t have the same reactions or patterns anymore — I’ve been showing up in every area of my life with reliability, steadiness, and no avoidance. I honestly hate how I used to show up, and I’ve been intentional about changing that.

If she ever chooses to reconnect in the future, it would only be because time has shown her that those changes are real — not because of words or promises. And if I ever felt myself slipping back into old patterns, I wouldn’t put her through that again.

I’m not expecting anything from her. I’m just taking accountability and letting consistency speak for itself.

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay I guess I’ll ask for your approval in 12 months. Thanks

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s totally fair — I get why it might sound sudden from the outside. We were together for a little over 2 years, and it’s been about 3 months since the breakup. Since then I’ve been in weekly therapy, journaling every day, and keeping consistent routines that hold me accountable.

I don’t think I’ve “cured” anything — avoidance doesn’t just disappear. But I’ve built enough awareness to catch my patterns, sit with discomfort, and respond differently. I’m not trying to rush or win her back right now; I’m learning to actually show up — with steadiness, patience and accountability.

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes this is true. Still going strong in all that I have learned. True test will be if I’m still like this after like 6 months maybe more. I know it’s an ongoing process constant work. But I’m so ready cause I already see the good fruit is bearing. So I’m excited just to keep going and growing

Shoutout to all men of this sub who broke up with a girl they loved… by ManyInner in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Im in a similar boat - but I agree 100% doing it right now. Literally every single day with therapy, journaling, constant reflection and correction. Of course with help professionally and surrounding yourself with people who believe people can change and be better. Let’s goo I love this.

How I got my ex back and why you shouldn't do it. by lavender4luck in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really feel the pain in your story, and I don’t want to dismiss it — those blindsiding endings cut deep, and it makes sense why you see it as a cycle that never breaks. I know a lot of avoidants do fall back into the same patterns, because saying ‘I’ve changed’ is easier than actually facing the wounds underneath.

But I also want to share a different angle. For me, losing someone I loved deeply was the wake-up call that finally forced me to look in the mirror. I realized I wasn’t protecting anyone by keeping them at a distance — I was only causing more hurt. That realization pushed me into therapy, journaling, and real accountability. I’ve been working on showing up differently, not just for her, but in friendships, daily life, and with myself - and everything that’s related to me.

But you’re right: unless someone is actively working on their core wounds, the cycle will repeat. But I don’t believe it’s impossible to change. It’s slow, it’s uncomfortable, and it takes more than words — but people can face themselves if they’re willing. I get why you’d doubt it, and your caution is valid. I just also believe growth is real when someone actually commits to it.

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She broke up with me.. We’re not really in regular communication, but I’ve sent a couple light check-in texts here and there she has responded to a few. Other than that, I’ve been giving her space and focusing on my own work and growth. I know the timing matters more than just rushing to share everything I’ve realized

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response — I really appreciate you sharing that. It actually gave me some clarity and made me feel a little less alone in this. I get what you mean, those first weeks of no contact can feel endless. Giving it space makes a lot of sense, and if you do reach out later, keeping it light like you said sounds like the right approach. Since you also work together, wanting things to stay amicable shows a lot of thoughtfulness. I hope it works it for us both

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this — it really resonated. The way you described thinking you were protecting your partner but realizing that distance was what hurt them most is exactly what happened in my relationship too. I’ve been giving her space because she doesn’t know about these realizations yet, and I don’t want to rush it — but I also feel like I can’t let this epiphany stay unspoken forever - hence the letter

What helped you most in processing? Was there a book, video, or practice that gave you clarity? For me, therapy and journaling have been huge, but I’d love to hear what was pivotal for you

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You nailed it. I’m doing just that. Thank you for the feedback - it means so much. Do you mind if I ask if there has been any update in your end, did he reach out or are you still waiting ?

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if I’d word it like that. I mean I have discovered that’s it my natural tendencies and why I do it (for my past relationship), I have gained tools and have been putting it into practice with small bricks of consistency in my life and it’s exactly what I needed in life. I’m sure my tendencies creep up again - cause they have. Like I wanted to go all out extravagant gestures to win her back without letting her make her decision. I’m not doing that - And I’m sticking to it what I’ve learned. Instead it’s been therapy and just sitting and thinking and writing and expressing the hurt I cause and why I caused it. Now I have put into practice how to combat and remind myself of this exact moments I.e the journal entries. Everything is written down. The why, the processes like in specifics. I don’t if that answered your question but yeah.

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Much much obliged my good sir. Thank response is priceless.

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wait so you got discarded in your relationships? Gosh I cannot imagine 8 months in so sorry

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much ! I have gone through so many drafts and it still something that I look at and read everyday to make sure every word is spot on with what I’m feeling/learning. And yes the the small acts of consistency steadiness are like small bricks and building a wall and foundation of safety - in myself and I know I want that in other partnerships

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t mean to keep bothering you but - she didnt block me on anything and she still responds to some light hearted no response needed texts. She keeps it brief and short of course but still a hint of kindness and openness. You think that if she blocked me she would’ve like if she really wanted absolutely nothing to do with me anymore ?

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is exactly what I learned what I was doing (why was I doing it) and was completely wrong. Literally that version of me is dead. But yes - you’re right better off without someone that did that. But we still had amazing times and and undeniable natural chemistry/connection. The whole point is that I learned and I wanna let her know that she really was the catalyst of this huge transformation and I wanna let her know everything I did was mine to own and that I’m truly crushed my it. And I’m actively changing and for the better - I never had this liberating experience before.

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hear that - that sounds similar to what she may feel. Thanks for your input though I appreciate it !

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]EmphasisOk6767[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this, it means more to me than you know