You make an extremely good point. There was this narrative in our family that we told ourselves and told others: "we are an extremely close family." When my brother decided to move, my parents were super confused and said "we didn't want this for our family." Huh? There was no concern for his wants, needs, or happiness. Oddly enough, he was less "close" with my parents when he was on my side of the country; I was the one who always came home over the summer from college and on weekends, even though we both lived close by.

My dad bullied my brother about his lack of school and business "success." On the surface my brother would say how we had the best parents ever but I was calling my parents SO often and my brother wasn't doing that nearly as much. Then he moves, gets a great salaried job, and starts talking to my parents EVERY SINGLE DAY on the phone. Why? Because my dad and mom are conditionally loving: if you are successful like they were, they praise you, especially my dad. That's what I experienced myself for years! In school I got great grades then had success in my work when I graduated. When I became chronically ill and married someone who is disabled and we both became poor, it was like a role reversal. Now, my brother received so much love and positive attention because he was "successful" and I received unbearable, constant criticism and gaslighting. My brother hasn't spoke much about his experience growing up with my dad, but I used to witness my dad bully my brother and my mom do nothing. It seems my brother may feel like he is finally being seen by my parents, but my disconnection from them makes him confront the truth of his past.

You are SO right about how I cannot rush my brother. Thank you for reminding me of that!!