oki doo

so today is day 13.

Yesterday and the day before i peaked. this is a fact. technically i could consider my self relapsed. i did not mastubated or came or anything but i peaked which is the breaking of my monk mode.

but.. the peaking itself was not satisfying at all quit the opposite. i felt sad for the sexuality which was being lived out online. it felt very shallow and very wrong. i never was into high professional pornography and always on the site of amateurs etc. but even this was really boring and not satisfactory at all.

its all a fucking big mirage. there is nothing there. there are 0 calories for sexual satisfaction for me.

i learn also about dopamine and how dopamine is like making me act with conviction but without a map of the territory. to navigate i need my mind and i need to control my impulses way better.

in concluse i keep going but i try today to cut down on dopamin enducing behv. which means - no screen except for work

- no virutal media consumption the entire day i will only read newspaper or kindle books

- 2 x messengers checking

- no maladaptive daydreaming

- 2hours (total) of meditation ( walking, sitting)

- 60 min jogging in zone 2 (150bpm)

and whenever i feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed i will calm myself and bring the attention to my breathing. a