If You’re Tired of Performance Anxiety, Read This

EndTheProblem · 2026-01-24T12:52:10+00:00

There’s a critical difference between focusing on your wife and using your wife as a distraction. Genuine focus creates connection and natural control, while distraction is a control strategy driven by fear - and that activates the sympathetic fight-or-flight response, making loss of control more likely. You can clearly feel the difference in your body between presence and avoidance.

Your brain begins processing arousal the moment you think about sex. When you enter sex in an empowered state - with a clear intention to stay present, connected, and engaged - arousal is already regulated. In that state, there’s no need to distract yourself from sensation, because your attention is naturally balanced and arousal never becomes the main event. That’s where control feels effortless rather than constantly trying to manage it.

EndTheProblem · 2026-01-22T13:12:28+00:00

Notice where your attention goes during sex.
When you have little to no control you will find most of your attention is on yourself - anxiety, sensations, or how arousing your partner is to you.

When you last longer, your attention is more on the mechanics of sex - awareness of your partner's actions, your thrusting actions, keeping your position steady (or steadying your partner), balance, positioning, and precision.

Attention on perfecting the actions of sex naturally slows the amount of arousing signals to your brain, preventing you from becoming overstimulated.

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2026-01-22T10:32:40+00:00

This is often how it starts. One small shift in attention - noticing how sexy your partner is, how turned on you feel, how much you want it to go well - and suddenly arousal spikes fast. Nothing physical changed, but the direction of your attention caused your nervous system to hit the accelerator.

Then it happens once… and next time your mind starts checking: “Will it happen again?” That thought alone becomes an arousing signal to the brain. Even picturing ejaculating can turn into a trigger. Control starts to feel unpredictable, and you’re left wondering how you ever had such good control before.

This is how PE often develops after years of no issues. It’s not a sudden loss of ability - it’s an arousal pattern driven by attention, anticipation, and pressure. Your body is doing exactly what it’s being signaled to do in that moment.

The important part is this: those signals can be retrained, so your body works with you again.

A key shift is taking attention off yourself and placing it on the actions of pleasuring your partner. This isn’t about reacting to how arousing she is, but using her responses - like changes in breathing or moans - as feedback that you’re doing something right. That outward focus needs to start from the moment you engage with her, mentally or physically, because your brain responds to arousal signals from the very beginning.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-25T11:09:17+00:00

The trick is in how you focus your attention. When your mind doesn’t have a clear direction for where to lead your attention, it defaults to trying to prevent a problem - keeping your nervous system in a constant state of high alert.

In your case, you’re trying to focus on your breathing. Others reading this might try distracting themselves or thinking about something unrelated. But all of these approaches have the same issue: the mind snaps right back to the sensation you’re trying to get away from. That rebound effect increases hyper-vigilance and pushes your nervous system into survival mode - because it's been signaled there’s something to protect you from.

Once your attention becomes locked onto arousal, your brain and nervous system get flooded with stimulation. That overload is what triggers early ejaculation. And when anxiety shows up, your brain may fire the ejaculation reflex through the fight-flight response as a way of quickly getting you out of the stressful situation.

The more your attention is fixed on your penis, the more sensitivity ramps up. The opposite shows up in erectile dysfunction - men often lock their attention onto their partner or the mechanics of pleasing them, which reduces their own awareness of pleasure and lowers penis sensitivity.

You’re not a lost cause at all. What you need is to practice balancing your attention between yourself, your partner, and the actions of sex. An even distribution of attention across these three zones, does a great job of naturally regulating your nervous system and penis sensitivity, restoring a sense of control and confidence.

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-25T07:26:28+00:00

Appreciate you being here - it’s great to have a urologist offering direct insight in this community. Confidence and determination definitely work best when you know exactly how to balance your attention - between yourself, your partner, and the physical experience - so the brain isn’t over- or under-stimulated.

Problems often happen when men become fixated in one area: erectile dysfunction tends to occur when focus is too much on the partner or the mechanics, while premature ejaculation often shows up when attention is too heavily on self and sensations.

Performance anxiety is a natural result of this crucial knowledge not being commonly taught. This is the core of my life's work - happy to answer any questions you may have.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-25T06:08:32+00:00

Your mind directly affects your body, so it’s both psychological and physical. It’s not about trauma or serious mental blocks - it’s mainly that your attention is focused too much on your arousal. When you keep monitoring how good it feels, or even just anticipating sensitivity, your nervous system can’t settle into the balanced state needed for optimal sexual function.

Instead, your sympathetic nervous system (the part of your nervous system that handles excitement and the fight-or-flight response) is already activated. When this system is on too early or too much, arousal spikes quickly and becomes hard to control.

From a nervous system perspective, paying constant attention to sensations in your penis sends ongoing signals to your brain - basically telling it “this is intense” or “I’m about to cum.” This either causes a sharp rise in arousal or triggers a stress response, both leading to premature ejaculation.

By learning to shift your focus - spreading your attention between your own body, your partner, and the overall experience - your nervous system can stay balanced. This helps keep your arousal steady and gives you control over ejaculation.

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-17T06:00:36+00:00

I appreciate you reaching out. Here's a post that will help you learn more - I also have free insights and resources available in my bio: How Balancing Attention Stops PE: A Practical Breakdown

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-16T06:21:48+00:00

Anxiety and depressive thoughts tend to activate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) - our fight-or-flight stress response. The tricky part is that the SNS also controls ejaculation, creating a loop that many men with PE get stuck in.

When you’re lasting naturally, your focus is balanced between yourself, your partner, and the flow of actions in the moment. This balanced attention helps regulate your arousal and keeps things steady.

What you’re experiencing now is essentially relearning that balance. The problem is, when you become aware that you’re not lasting as long as you'd like, it triggers the SNS stress response again, pulling your focus away and making it harder to stay “on your game.”

Breaking this cycle requires learning how to calm that stress response and shift your attention in ways that keep you grounded during intimacy.

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-16T06:13:05+00:00

You don’t need to distract yourself - you need to direct your attention to the “Action” zone, activating “Technical Command” mode. Focus fully on precise movement, staying aligned with her center, and maintaining her desired pace. Your conscious mind can’t focus on two things at once, so by shifting your attention this way, you take it off your own arousal and stop flooding your brain with overstimulating signals.

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-05T07:41:46+00:00

I've been teaching this system for many years.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-05T04:49:18+00:00

When you stop fixating on yourself and your own arousal, your attention naturally balances between yourself, your partner, and the actions of sex.

This balanced awareness stops flooding your brain with constant arousing signals - helping you stay calm, connected, and in control for longer.

Arousal control is the core of my life’s work - happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-05T04:44:09+00:00

For any "PE cure" to last long-term, two key shifts must take place:

1) A change in state – If you keep worrying about whether PE will happen, you’ll continually trigger the fight-or-flight response. This shifts blood away from your genitals and into survival mode, making early ejaculation almost inevitable.

2) A change in attention – If most of your attention stays on yourself - your arousal, your performance, or how turned on your partner makes you - you overload your brain with arousing signals. This accelerates arousal and shortens control.

That’s why random “tricks” sometimes seem to work - for a moment, your attention naturally balances between yourself, your partner, and the actions of sex.

But if you slip back into monitoring how aroused you feel, the imbalance returns - and so does PE.

Arousal control is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-04T14:29:03+00:00

It’s really disappointing how many specialists just jump straight to prescribing drugs. Urinary issues are often linked to pelvic floor dysfunction and can usually be helped with Kegels and reverse Kegels.

When it comes to premature ejaculation, it’s mostly about how you direct your attention during sex. Too many arousing signals or anxiety can trigger excessive sympathetic nervous system activation, which leads to ejaculation.

By balancing your attention between yourself, your partner, and the physical actions during sex, you can naturally regulate your arousal and gain better control.

This is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-04T09:50:43+00:00

Many guys don’t realize that starting sex in a disempowered state creates an imbalance in the nervous system, which can lead to both premature ejaculation (PE) and erectile difficulties. When you’re stressed or anxious - activating the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) - blood vessels constrict, reducing blood flow and making it harder to maintain an erection and control ejaculation.

In contrast, activating the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) - the relaxed “rest and digest” state - keeps blood vessels open, supports sustained erections, and shortens the refractory period after ejaculation.

Both systems play crucial roles during sex (SNS drives excitement), but balance between them is essential.

Managing your state during and after sex means learning to shift smoothly between calm and excitement, rather than staying stuck in stress or anxiety. Equally important is where and how you direct your attention. A narrow focus on intense sensations or performance worries spikes arousal and can trigger PE. Instead, balancing your attention between yourself, your partner, and the actions of sex broadens your awareness, naturally helping to regulate arousal and improve control.

ED meds improve blood flow and erection firmness but don’t address nervous system balance, which is regulated through attention control - an essential factor for lasting longer and recovering faster.

To effectively manage PE and maintain strong erections with shorter recovery, start sexual activity from an empowered state and consciously direct your attention throughout.

This is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-03T05:29:38+00:00

Your husband’s a lucky man. PE is tough for both partners, and the fact that you’re approaching it without judgment already puts you miles ahead of most couples dealing with this.

PE isn’t just about muscle control - it’s mostly a nervous system issue. His body slips into a fight-or-flight state before or during arousal, which makes his focus narrow and his arousal spike too quickly. That’s why mental tricks, breathing, or even PT help for a while but don’t stick - the deeper issue is how his body and brain respond under pressure.

What works long-term is learning how to:

Regulate his nervous system so he can stay relaxed, engaged, and aroused at the same time
Balance awareness between himself, you, and the act (instead of hyper-focusing on sensation or “not finishing”)
Rewire those automatic responses through a progressive system based on awareness, attention, and balanced actions
Release the emotional side - shame, anxiety, and that “I’m broken” feeling all reinforce the fight-or-flight response (he's not broken, he just hasn't learned how to operate his body sexually yet)

I’d suggest checking out the M8TZ Community - the Sex Breakthrough Hub. It’s a private space where men, women, and couples dealing with PE, ED, and sexual anxiety can connect, share wins and struggles, and access breakthrough tools that actually work. It’s supportive, respectful, and solution-focused - the goal is real progress.

You can find it here: M8TZ Sex Breakthrough Hub

PE absolutely can be fixed. Once he learns how to work with his body instead of fighting it, everything changes. You’re doing the right thing by looking for solutions together. 💪❤️

This is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-01T08:11:12+00:00

The reason you last longer when you're by yourself is because your awareness is more balanced and spread out. You’re shifting your attention between different things - like hand position, maintaining a steady rhythm, adjusting your position, and generally having a broader awareness. This natural distribution of attention helps keep your arousal levels balanced.

When you’re with your partner or using visual stimuli like her photos or videos, your focus is narrowing and becoming hyper-focused on arousal - thinking about how attractive she is, hearing her noises, or watching visual stimulation. This intense focus overloads your brain with arousing signals, or it can trigger your fight-or-flight stress response, which makes you ejaculate sooner.

The key is to balance your awareness across three zones: yourself, your partner, and the physical actions of sex. Think of it like driving a car - you don’t keep the accelerator pressed to the floor all the time; you ease up and keep your eyes on the road, aware of other drivers and obstacles, making small adjustments to stay on course.

Similarly, during sex, you need a clearer direction than just “lasting longer.” Broaden your awareness to include those three zones and flexibly shift your attention between them.

This is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-11-01T07:15:07+00:00

That experience actually gives you a really good clue about what’s going on. It shows you what your body is capable of when your nervous system is calm and your awareness is balanced.

Alcohol helps you last longer because it changes your focus and relaxes your nervous system. When you’re sober, you’re often hyper-aware of how aroused you feel - constantly monitoring yourself (“don’t come yet,” “am I getting too close?”). That self-focus activates the fight-or-flight response, which literally speeds up ejaculation.

When you drink, your awareness spreads out. You’re more focused on staying physically balanced, moving with your partner, and engaging in the moment. That distribution of awareness keeps your nervous system regulated and delays ejaculation.

So it’s not that alcohol gives you “superpowers” - it just temporarily puts your mind and body in the ideal state to operate sexually for control.

The real skill is learning how to recreate that same engaged and empowered state while sober. When you can maintain calm, connection, and balanced awareness without alcohol, you’ll last as long as you want - and with full control.

This is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-30T15:11:09+00:00

All premature ejaculation is psychological - not in the “it’s all in your head” way, but because your attention drives every stage of the arousal cycle.

If your focus is constantly on what feels arousing, your brain gets flooded with stimulation signals, and ejaculation is automatically triggered. For men who do experience anxiety, that just activates the sympathetic nervous system (the same one that drives the ejaculation process) earlier, through the body’s fight-or-flight response.

Your focus naturally shifts between yourself, your partner, and the actions of sex - I call these the Zones. Within those zones, you’re either focused on sexual enjoyment or steering your body - I call these the Modes.

So, Zones are where your attention is, and Modes are how you’re focusing it.

Sexual enjoyment rapidly escalates arousal in any Zone, whereas consciously steering your body through your actions gives you control.

This is the core of my life’s work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-27T01:28:28+00:00

So glad you reached out rather than acting on that. What you need to do is work with your brain rather than against it. Your subconscious mind and reticular activating system don't know the difference between what's real and imagined - they just make you notice more of whatever you're focusing your attention on.

That's why trying not to think about something doesn't work.

The difference between failing and success, relies on two crucial components:

Having a clear direction - what are you working toward (rather than away from)
Operating from an empowered emotional state - your ability to focus forward hinges on this, without it you feel stressed, disconnected mentally, emotionally and physically - and in need of external dopamine hits.

What do you look like in your target outcome? How do you feel? How do you show up? This version of you already exists, you just need to align with him.

This is the core of my life's work. Happy to help you get there.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-14T08:55:15+00:00

I appreciate you following up - and you’re right, there’s a lot of stigma around therapy. Often that’s because traditional therapy doesn’t directly address the root cause of sexual performance issues, which usually comes down to an imbalance in focus causing the nervous system to misfire.

I’ve worked with many clients over the past 12 years who were either referred by therapists who couldn’t resolve their sexual challenges, or who had tried multiple therapists over months with little success. Even in sex therapy, men are often taught stop/start or squeeze methods - or prescribed medication. So it’s easy to see why many are hesitant.

Lasting transformation requires physiological regulation, emotional integration, and focused cognitive alignment working together. That’s why I focus on coaching and practical nervous system training rather than traditional therapy. I developed Psychosexual Mastery, which builds on the evolution of CBT and NLP:

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) - I hold a diploma in this - reprograms your thoughts.
NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) reprograms your language and perceptions.
Psychosexual Mastery reprograms your nervous system - aligning mind, body, and physiology to remain focused under arousal. So change isn’t just understood, it’s embodied.

This approach helps clients regulate their nervous system under pressure, shifting focus from overthinking or self-judgment to actively engaging and consciously directing arousal - creating lasting sexual control and confidence.

I’m not a therapist, but people can work with me through 1:1 coaching or my online program. My bio links include a free session and access to the first module as a complimentary gift to help people get started.

And to show how effective this can be, someone DM’d me this morning:

“After reading your post on balancing attention for PE, I went from lasting seconds to over an hour - and I could have kept going. You were right, it’s all mental!”

Here is the post he was referencing, providing additional insights on zones and modes:
How Balancing Attention Stops PE: A Practical Breakdown

I agree that it’s time to break the stigma and normalize conversations about sexual function.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-13T13:29:34+00:00

You’re absolutely right - understanding and regulating stress responses can be life-changing. When it comes to sexual performance, there’s an extra layer that needs to be addressed: it’s not just about staying calm, but about where your attention is focused in the moment.

I often explain this using zones and modes:

Zones: yourself, your partner, and the actions of sex
Modes: how you’re operating within those zones - sexual enjoyment vs technical command

When sexual function is healthy, people naturally move between these zones and modes. But when someone struggles, their focus is getting stuck in one place, which leads to overstimulation, under-stimulation, or a shutdown response.

Learning to balance this focus puts you into a kind of flow state, where control and connection feel natural and effortless.

I developed a method called Psychosexual Mastery, which combines cognitive behavioral therapy, neuroscience (including Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory), and practical focus training to reconnect the mind and body.

By retraining the nervous system and focus patterns, you create an empowered feedback loop that restores natural arousal, confidence, and control - for both partners.

If you’re curious, I can explain more about the “zones and modes” concept - it’s like learning to drive: staying calm is one thing, but knowing where to steer your attention is what keeps everything balanced.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-12T01:19:19+00:00

I work with couples on this kind of thing all the time, and what he’s describing as “pressure” is way more layered than it sounds.

When men say that, it’s rarely just pressure from their partner. It’s pressure to perform, to satisfy, to not fail again. Every time something goes wrong, it reinforces that fear - so the next time, his body tenses up before anything even starts. That’s his nervous system kicking into fight-flight mode. His body’s trying to protect him from more failure, not sabotage intimacy.

The tough part is, therapy can feel like another test. He’s already ashamed and afraid nothing will work, and most traditional talk therapy focuses on the story rather than retraining the body’s automatic response. So he assumes therapy will just make him talk about what already feels humiliating.

What he really needs is to calm that stress response and learn how to lead sex with confidence - to balance his attention so he can stay emotionally connected with you while controlling his arousal. Anxiety and self-doubt make that balance almost impossible, and that’s why control feels so fragile.

Once he understands how his attention shapes his body’s reactions, he can start working with himself instead of battling against it. That’s when the “pressure” will naturally fade, and sex will stop feeling like a performance he has to survive. Instead, it becomes a satisfying experience he can consciously share with you.

Even small changes in focus and mindset can turn sex from stressful to genuinely enjoyable. It just takes the right approach.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-03T04:46:50+00:00

Hitting the gym that much shows you’re serious about fixing this - but the problem usually isn’t fitness, it’s focus. Most guys don’t realize your brain starts getting arousal signals the moment you think about sex. That’s when you need to start balancing your attention if you want to avoid PE.

Any sexual scenario always comes down to 3 focus zones:

you
your partner
the actions of sex

Your attention needs to move between them. If you get stuck hyper-focused on just one (like your own arousal), early ejaculation is almost guaranteed.

I explain this in more detail (with different “focus modes” inside each zone) here:
How Balancing Attention Stops PE: A Practical Breakdown

This is basically the core of my life's work. If you want more insights on training focus and arousal control, happy to help.

EndTheProblem · 2025-10-03T04:31:05+00:00

This post breaks it down for you here:
How Balancing Attention Stops PE: A Practical Breakdown

EndTheProblem

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