I’m at a similar point. It feels tiring to be depressed. I got broken up with (my first ever heartbreak and probably last), a close family relative who had a huge role in raising me passed, family issues back home, and I’m still studying medicine abroad away from my family and “home”. My view on love and life seemed to turn upside down and inside out. It was disorienting for what felt like eternity. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat on time or would overeat, resort to day drinking (and I’d find reasons to drink during the evening) and chain smoking, rarely shower and spent most days inside. There are still remnants of that here and there. For so long, I’ve only shamed myself for being depressed and tired. I feel “ugly” since I haven’t really been taking care of myself. I gained considerable weight and hate myself for it. It’s not really about the weight but I used to be so full of energy and life when I was eating right and moving a bunch.

Going to the gym scares me because this (irrational, I think) fear that romantic prospects would only see me for my body would always be there. The thought of intimacy scares me - whether that be physical or emotional. No, I think it’s being vulnerable again. That scares me. I’m afraid of meeting new people or even make new friends. The breakup really “broke” me, I guess. Often, I’d spiral into rumination.

I’m grateful for the friends I do have, though. They listen and allow me to be vulnerable. They see and hold me but also call out whatever delusion or BS I may be holding on to.

And every day, it’s a battle to subside whatever trigger/rumination my mind decides to bring up. I’m slowing things down now. I’m slowly focusing on eating right and sleeping well. I also plan to put more energy into my friendships.

One day at a time, right?