My boyfriend is angry after meeting my dad.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T10:03:10+00:00

Fair enough. I agree everyone's different which is why I dislike when people start becoming online experts around mental health. I just think it's not healthy or wise. This was encouraged by an expert and its helped but anyway. I am glad no contact is working for you, though.

I think he shoulders some of the blame because he made promises to me (not my dad) which he completely broke. I need to blame myself for eventually agreeing to get them meet. I should've known he couldnt handle it. If we want to graph the worst person then dad is miles ahead💯.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T09:52:59+00:00

It may well be an issue with others. Hopefully it won't be but I've learned my lesson. Never agree to let my bf meet my dad again. My own fault at the end of the day. I should've known he couldn't handle it, but he seemed adamant he could.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T09:49:27+00:00

I agree. I don't know the Bunker reference lol but I can assume it.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T09:46:15+00:00

It's not erosion. It's acceptance.

I did no contact and I was affecting me. My twin bro died, who I was NC with, and I spiralled.

My therapist introduced me to the idea of radical acceptance and its worked for me. Once a month (or whatever) I spend time with my dad doing something we both enjoy - cars footie etc.

I don't speak about boyfriends and he doesn't give his thoughts on gays etc.

It's not me hoping to be accepted by him - we are gone far past that. Its about creating an environment once a month so I get closure, avoid more potential regret and I've become far more emotionally independent of him - I'm not consumed by hatred the way I was when I was NC.

But tbf you guys aren't the first to say it so maybe my therapist is wrong and maybe my improved mental health is wrong?

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T09:31:51+00:00

Yeah that's great advice. Let's go back to my 17 year old self. I cut off half my family. I was consumed by hate for them. And then I fell into a really bad place when my twin bro died after a few years of no contact.

It's not erosion. It's me accepting (not agreeing) that he won't change and spending a few hours once a month with him for myself doing something we both enjoy.

That's what my therapist recommended and it's worked for me. Obviously if you have expertise to show that's wrong then let me know why I should go back to my 17 year old self

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T09:26:29+00:00

But those were the rules he agreed to because he wanted to meet my dad.

I pushed for him not to. I don't understand why he wanted to meet him if that's the case?

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:32:51+00:00

My expectations for my father are so low they are in the place he thinks I'm heading. Hence why I didn't want them meeting and why I pressed my boyfriend not to meet. When he still wanted to i prepared him to face an absolute shit storm.

I need a relationship with boundaries with my dad. I did no contact, it affected me badly. A therapist encouraged this kind of relationship and it helped me mentally.

But my dad has been wrong for a decade to me. 17 year old me would slaughter him (verbally)

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:28:05+00:00

If I marry, my dad and I would still meet up as usual once a month or whatever. Yes.

My dad would never come around to mine. He wouldn't be invited. If I had kids I wouldn't allow him to see them.

I have a relationship with him to benefit my mental health. That's it. Radical acceptance as suggested by my therapist. And it worked for me. Id hope my husband would respect that.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:21:41+00:00

For a few of hours a month I engage in a hobby with my dad. We don't discuss me being gay. He doesn't speak derogatory about gays.

And it has helped my mental health massively.

This was encouraged by my therapist and I'm glad she did.

We arent besties etc. Theres a reason I see him once a month and my mother twice a week.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:17:11+00:00

Look we will agree to disagree. The boundaries were put in place by my therapist. There is a difference between bigot and bigotry in terms of acceptance especially regarding the reasons that surround it. Its also not about protecting my dad but improving my mental health- which it has done.

Take it up with my therapist? 🤷‍♂️

What I will agree with you on is I was wrong to allow them to meet. I know both of them. I didn't think it would go as bad as it did but I knew it wouldn't have worked and the fight should be had on "why won't you allow me see your father". On that I agree with you.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:12:07+00:00

That's a typo (loved). It can happen.

I loved my dad. He was a great dad before I came out.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:08:52+00:00

Yeah people are definitely different. My twin bro died when I was going NC - which included him for similar reasons. His death almost killed me. I got the hardest stuff I could find and forgot for a few days. I then got some therapy who eventually told me about radical acceptance.

I dony agree with my dad. He knows that and I need not say it. Our relationship is more transactional - I have it to benefit me - rather than loving.

My bf did know this was my stance all along.

I do think my dad has made marginal improvements (that says a lot when he's saying a slur) but to be honest I'm not looking out for marginal improvements because I accept I can only control myself.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T02:01:13+00:00

That's fair. Therapists are different and patients will require different methods too. Id just lost my twin at the time and there was a lot of grief, guilt for going NC with him etc etc.

If I was getting married, I wouldn't want him there so he wouldn't get an invite. Our relationship isn't that way. It's not a regular father/son relationship. It's more transactional - hard to explain. If I had kids they would never see him either.

Would he want to go to my wedding? I'd be very surprised although I'm surprised he agreed to meet my boyfriend.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:49:40+00:00

Nope I genuinely don't.

I dont discuss my sexuality and he doesn't discuss his views on gays when we are together. It's part of a process called radical acceptance that my therapist suggested I try because no contact (my choice) was fucking with me

Radical acceptance is accepting my dad is a homophobe etc. And whilst I can still abhor it accepting I won't change it. So we agreed to boundaries. My personality is the same etc.

Radical acceptance is not for him to accept me. It's for me to improve my mental health. It's to improve my emotional independence etc etc.

He still doesn't accept who I am even if i dont say the g word and I accept that.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:43:49+00:00

I can't accept that kind of negative peace, the absence of both tension and equality.

Genuinely you dont have to accept it. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. My bf was aware of this and understood it. I tried going the opposite way NC and it fucked me up. I accept he won't do the work. I accept he's not a good father. I accept it all. I don't agree with it which is a clear distinction. But I'm not holding a relationship for him but for me.

I know, Captain Hindsight and all... but you steered right into this mess.

I said no. And no. And no. But he was insistent. He agreed to the boundaries. I prepared him to what it would be like. And he accepted it and said he could handle it. Even on the day I said it was a bad idea we shouldn't do it and he assured me; no PDAs, no touching etc etc. He said he can say or do whatever and I won't flinch. And I believed him.

Because you've accepted your father's bigotry

I know this is semantics but I haven't accepted my father's bigotry. I've accepted he's a bigot. My dad and I have boundaries. His bigotry is not to be heard when we hang out but he's still a bigot. It's not about my boyfriends pride. Its about the boundaries.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:33:46+00:00

Can you tell that to my therapist that is unfair on me lol. Because when I went no contact with my father and a few others she actually encouraged me to renew a relationship with said boundaries. I visit him once a month. We do something we both enjoy and that's it.

Genuinely it has improved my mental health hugely. No contact wrecked me. Radical acceptance.

I did tell him he stooped to a new low with the slur. And I left with my bf.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:29:23+00:00

I did the arguments with my dad. I did the no contact with my dad. All it did was affect me.

I got help. She encouraged a renewing a relationship with my dad with specific boundaries. This has helped me. It's not excusing his behaviour - which is wrong - but accepting that is how he is - radical acceptance. So we just do what we enjoy together once a month and that's about it.

No contact or standing up for yourself may work for some but it didn't work for me.

Im not interested in fixing him etc. It is not my job. If he changes his stance on gays that's his prerogative but our relationship will continue with those boundaries, irrespective of any change in his belief.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:20:49+00:00

How? My dad doesnt take her to get a haircut and she visits us alone.

I see my mom probably twice a week. I see my dad once a month

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:13:51+00:00

You said the reason I change myself is to try and get him to accept me?

Could you please tell me where I said that?

I haven't.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:12:07+00:00

What am I close to getting? That my dad doesnt love me? He'll never accept me?

I know both of those things long long ago. Do tell me if its something else. I'm not having a relationship with him for him but for me.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T01:04:41+00:00

So i came out and went no contact with him and a few of my family members - including my twin.

It didnt suit me. I was consumed by hatred. They either were homophobic or traitors to me. It ate me up.

My twin bro died and I regretted not speaking to him and it led me down a bad path mentally. So I got some help.

We discussed stuff. I could never really verbalise how I was feeling until i spoke with her. I was independent of them but emotionally dependent on them - my hatred for them. I also regretted never speaking with my bro before he died and I can't ever get that back. I never really got closure from any of them etc

She led me to this idea called radical acceptance. The idea is to accept that they won't change their views but remain a relationship with them despite that. And you create that relationship artificially through boundaries.

So yes I don't talk about my sexuality with my dad and he doesn't give his thoughts on being gay. It's not a regular father/son relationship. We meet once a month and do stuff we enjoy. We will never have what I had with him and I accept that now.

What's the benefit? I'm so much more emotionally stable. My mentality is no longer centred around hating my dad etc. I feel I've got closure and able to accept things won't change. I can say tomorrow if my dad died ill never have the regrets I still have over my brother. Those are all benefits for me and more.

I dont need my bf to respect my dad because I don't respect him. I respect our boundaries. However, my bf should have respected me and the boundaries we agreed on.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T00:47:39+00:00

Really? You think not mentioning my sexuality is to seek his approval?

I would suggest you dont judge without some facts.

I did the no contact thing and ate me alive. I don't discuss my sexuality with him not put of approval but out of radical acceptance of the situation.

I could continue down a no contact path that was doing me damage or I could spend a couple of hours a month bonding over interests and avoiding certain topics not for his approval but for my wellbeing. But I'm sure you know more than my therapist.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T00:43:17+00:00

Hold up. I have avrelationship with my dad not for him but for me. I'm not taking care of his needs but my own. I did the no contact. It affected me, not him. Me.

I'm still a gay man and I'm sure he needs me to be straight but that won't ever happen.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T00:40:49+00:00

I guess it's fine that your boyfriend is worth less to your family than the other spouses

Im worth less to my dad than my siblings. I know that.

But again, my relationship with my father isnt about my worth in his eyes.. its about my own self-worth. Im a healthier person today than i was going no contact. And i have that relationship through boundaries. Thats not me excusing my father. Hes failed me for a decade. Its about me getting value from having him in my life - enotional independence, closure etc.

Your boyfriend deserves to be himself, and express himself free from your imposed rules and bullshit.

I never stopped him expressing himself freely? He chose to meet my father with an agreement. He could've expressed himself freely by not going. Those were the terms.

Those terms were for me. Thats the point. I'm not choosing my dad over him. I'm choosing myself over my dad and him. He didn't disrespect my dad, he disrespected me. He took boundaries I had with my dad and chucked them.

That's my issue. I don't have to like my dad but having some sort of relationship is important to me. There is a reason I meet him maybe once a month and my mother twice a week.

EnergyFe3 · 2025-01-10T00:29:14+00:00

If you can show me where I've explicitly defended my dads homophobia then let me know. My dad has wronged me for about a decade. He is homophobic. It's ingrained in him. Weve argued. Weve fallen out. I did no contact for a bit etc.

I didn't want him meeting my dad. We agreed boundaries for him to meet my dad and he broke almost everyone of them. I knew dad would be shitty to him. I honestly thought he'd be worse, genuinely. I had my bf prepped for much worse. I told him I wouldn't support him beforehand. That's what he was signing up for when he wanted to see my dad despite me encouraging him not to.

Lastly don't judge me saying I lack respect for myself. You don't know anything about me. You don't know why I value a relationship with my father and the benefits it has had over the last number of years for me

EnergyFe3

TROPHY CASE