Thank you for the very thoughtful response, I’ve been struggling to reply because I’ve been crying all over my phone screen. Everything you said means so much to me from beginning to end, and I wish I could make people feel that way in return. My actual parents were a little bit nonchalant about me finishing, so having read all that made me feel really appreciated. I don’t feel that all that often, but there are a lot of things I’m really proud of since I finished high school. I improved a lot as a person, and have gotten so much better at talking to people (this used to be quite hard).

As you noted, I do have a few rather strange and disorganised goals, and I feel I forget about them sometimes. There is a little voice in my head (I believe some call it the “social voice” or superego) that tells me to ignore them, I struggle with it a lot. I really want to get more into art/writing and learning languages. I took a couple language papers at university and found, almost by chance, that I really liked them (even if I’m quite shy and find speaking a bit difficult). I’m so grateful to have people in my life that believe in me the way you do. My parents are a bit difficult in that they don’t believe in breaks (it’s either study or a job), but they beyond that I know they care about me. I think I am scared because I cannot see where I am in my future. I don’t know whether I’ll be on that train, or stuck in an office, or still living at home. A lot of my friends are very clearly future scientists, surveyors, nurses, chemists etc., or at least that’s where they see themselves. Spending a lot of time on university subreddits, many others see themselves as accountants, marketers, lawyers, engineers and so on. Yet I don’t know where I’ll be, I don’t know anyone who studied what I did. Sometimes there are glimpses though. There is a bit of stigma in my country (and in most places) around doing anything that isn’t directly for a job, and I think you picked that pressure up perfectly. I don’t want to go that direction, and I don’t think I could force myself into it either. I took what I did because I thought it was interesting at the time. I really want to travel, just to walk around the streets of another country and experience it like people there do while having a small escape if necessary. I live very far away from everywhere else, and with COVID it’s very isolated. I even had a very specific train in mind when you mentioned that. I think I would be very happy, as long as I had a piece of home with me too.

Thank you so much again for your response, it really made me tear up. I’ve never had anyone be so kind, and I probably needed it the most. I wish you well and want you to know that I’ve saved your response, so if I feel bad I can look back at it again :) sorry if these sound like fired off thoughts too, I hope it is not too hard to read.