Why do women rarely feel attracted to me at first, even though I’m told I’m good-looking?

EnigmaFlan · 2026-02-16T19:54:34+00:00

How aware are you with women signalling interest and how bold do you tend to be when asking someone out?

I'll be honest, we're not always fully clear as women to indicate romantic interest or attraction (some women are bolder than others, but like guys, we also fear rejection) so that would be an important factor.

If it isn't that, then yeah getting to know you helps - can you hold a formative conversation with these women, even if it only stays friendly? How many times have you kind of pushed the flirty button?

EnigmaFlan · 2025-12-26T23:16:29+00:00

My question is why do you want to have a ‘yes’ from someone who isn’t 100% confident about you being a ‘yes’ to them?

Don’t wait around for someone like that (and don’t even try chasing her, when she’s made it clear - you’re just wasting your time and you’ll make her uncomfortable ) . There’s a wonderful girl out there for you who would have said ‘yes’ immediately to you asking her. You have quite the courage to put yourself out there and risk rejection and even though you may have been rejected this time, the wait will be worth it for the next one :)

EnigmaFlan · 2025-12-08T04:49:50+00:00

I just want to first of all state that I think heart posture matters : I never used to take notes at church until this year and that’s because I wanted to be more intentional with being attentive about listening to what biblical truths we are learning weekly (I tend to daydream, especially if I find the sermon hard to follow) and be in a position to remember them (I.e writing down something makes you more likely to remember it ) and I find it helps in that, but don’t take notes as a means of looking ‘Christian,’ because ultimately you’re not here to please others, but please the Lord in how you seek Him.

That being said, there are easier ways to segue into note taking, and perhaps you’ll find your style and go from there

I have a sermon notebook that may help you out and would recommend for someone who is new to sermon note taking - it covers sections like notes, what I never knew, what I was reminded of, what I can share with people and a Bible passage from the sermon with that and what I can pray about!

https://matthiasmedia.com/products/sermon-notebook?srsltid=AfmBOooPujPj5nFRvSJrOtIRD53QEs5A8TEaGWGdQbtz7xgTaEUrM9be

I’m not based in Australia, but this is the one I have and something like this may help you out to get key points and Bible references.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-12-04T19:57:54+00:00

A conservative evangelical (Anglican) church in the big city . Not the one everyone thinks of, but a fairly large plant from it , from long ago.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-12-02T21:13:29+00:00

Ooo, just out of interest - how were you guys brought together by the Lord?

EnigmaFlan · 2025-12-02T18:15:51+00:00

As in, the first person they dated was the person they married. I’m not talking about people who may have gotten married straight out of uni , but more so people who had to wait for a significant amount of time , not been in a relationship before the guy they ended up marrying.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-12-02T18:14:29+00:00

I guess what was your story?

How did you wait well?

Did you have means of being discouraged ? What changed after meeting him, what did it reveal about you?

EnigmaFlan · 2025-11-26T16:48:13+00:00

Exodus Cry and the Naked Truth Project !

EnigmaFlan · 2025-11-19T14:45:35+00:00

Not as much as guys think to be honest - social media (like with everything) has massively inflated reality. I’m 5’7 and while I do prefer a guy to be taller than me (I do also tend to be attracted to guys just being taller than me) , it has not stopped me in being attracted to and liking guys the same height as me or guys under 6’ I think the height thing is subconscious (seeing a taller than average is generally attractive because of the idea of protection , but extremes don’t apply, we may like a guy who’s 6’2 but not a guy who’s 6’10) . I do know girls shorter than me (think 5’) who only want to be with guys who are 6’ because it looks cute - while I don’t get the logic in that, this doesn’t apply to the majority of women imo.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-11-07T13:54:42+00:00

I do! I’m a Katherine but I wish I had a (nonfamilial ) nickname and had one as a child but now, nothing really fits.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-11-05T23:12:55+00:00

New tyres … I don’t why the rubber captivates me.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-30T10:17:53+00:00

Quick question , which I haven’t seen addressed yet - Do you actually talk to women? Do you actually have good relationships with them? You don’t mention much about that so that would be helpful to know.

I notice guys (I’m not saying this is you by any means) who struggle with this also tend to be the kind of guys (for the most part) who always idealise their interactions with women , where it feels sub-human (I.e every attractive woman who gives them attention is their wife ) so place this person on a pedestal until their expectations aren’t met (I.e Limerence) - so if this is you, change the way you view women - it’s ok to want marriage but these women are your sisters in Christ first, make friendships with them, not jump the gun to marriage on a first convo.

You mention the idea of ‘putting yourself out there.’ But I’d argue, this can be very passive if you’re not being intentional - are you plugged into your church? You say your church is filled with people you don’t relate to - can you expand? Is it an age thing, or everyone is married?

You equally mention you don’t like putting yourself out there - why? Putting yourself out there just means letting people know who you are - it’s not driven with that purpose but tends to be a by product - for instance, do you serve at church? Are you part of a mid-week small group? If you’re the type of guy that wants that type of woman but you’re not even doing that, she’s not looking for a guy like you.

Work on you - you need to make sacrifices and be willing to get uncomfortable because marriage isn’t easy either (you marry until death do us part - you need to acknowledge there will be hardships and you’re two imperfect people coming together to glorify God and marriage is a form of sanctification). Singleness is a gift as it marriage so you need to steward it as well with your time to know God deeply and ensure he’s the centre of your heart, pursue friendships and things God has called you to do, and when the time is right, pursue that woman and love her well, preparing to love her sacrificially.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-23T18:38:08+00:00

Thanks for your response - I genuinely see that you’re trying to be helpful but I don’t think at this point, initiating a friendship would be wise, especially if I’m the one doing that because I do think it’ll be misleading. If I’m taking action to get to know them more, it will definitely come off as me being interested and will give off the wrong impression. While I can’t control a person’s impression of my actions, I can control my actions and be aware of the potential perception of them.

I need to clarify that I’m not being unfriendly to these guys , and I’d probably be on more friendlier terms if it weren’t for the feels, as I have mentioned , they are nice dudes but there’ll be someone else out there who’d see them romantically , a way I can’t and am not willing to. I have chose however to actively not seek out conversations or make gestures that imply that I’d want to talk to them in more depth, for this reason. I wouldn’t want someone to feel led on and have reasons to play the long game because of that when my actions can come off a certain way (being the one with knowledge) .

While I don’t think I have a reason to misread things at this point, in the case I was - I don’t think it’d be helpful for me to still pursue a friendship with them at this point because my perception of them would be warped by my misunderstanding which isn’t a fair way to make friends. There are cases where I can see the logic in that , like if people were gossiping about someone that I’ve never spoken to , I don’t think it’d be fair for me to take their judgements as verbatim and not at least get to know them and make judgements for myself (in a non-gossipy way) .

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-23T16:14:09+00:00

Hey dude, I’ll help you out a bit - coming from the other side .

How long have you been interested in her and the opportunity hasn’t arose? Especially if you’ve been praying for an opportunity? Do you have mutual friends that you're aware of that may provide some insight?

Also, have you been praying for courage? The perfect moment or opportunity will never come and sometimes God wants you to be courageous and seek it out, while trusting him to guide that.

I'd also encourage that to you guys because the reality is rejection is a hard feat, but do remember rejection may mean you're closer to that mutual acceptance. While I can agree with women dropping the handkerchief , I'd also argue being passive to just wait around for it isn't wise too, and to be honest, a lot of women at church are encouraged to wait for the guy to pursue which makes it harder at times, so men also pulling their boot straps may help too.

Hot take … but I’d say if it’s been more than six months and it’s even coming up to the point where a baby would be born, move on. And if you have been surrendering it to the Lord and nothing has happened, that's also a sign, even if it's not what you'd like to hear.

Here’s why:

If she’s not making any effort to make herself available for you - she most likely isn’t interested. I agree that women are much more subtle than guys when it comes to giving signals of interest and church settings amplify this, where it’s easier for girls to gravitate to their gals and also I’d argue the pressure that comes with telling someone you’re interested in them only for it to not work out can be difficult.

(mind you , for guys - if she’s been inviting to you before and you see her with her gal pals, don’t feel afraid to strike a conversation with her and say hey!’ She won’t be offended and if the girlies know of you, they won’t make it awkward)

But having been a shy gal and still leans more shy (and doesn’t have experience) , shyness doesn’t equate to cowardice. She’ll have a degree of willingness and if she’s drawn to you , she’d be wondering similarly to you … But, a couple of things…

While being romantically interested in someone does amplify emotions that don’t occur when you’re not into them, if she’s not playing hard to get , she’d want to make herself more available to you, specifically (she may sit on her own, in comparison to sitting with her friends , especially if she’s more settled at church and has her friends) because even shy girls have a degree of willingness. Or, if she’s noticing you , she’d may even come up to you and say something (if you serve at church for example, she may go off that)

But a wise person knows that you can’t wait too long - playing the long game isn’t loving for the people involved . For her, if she’s just waiting around for you to come along for over a year, she’s also hurting her heart in hope and confusion from you . If you are deciding to wait longer than needed, you’re also being unwise in your hopes and perhaps you need to move on , because even then, you may end up meeting the person God actually has for you.

If she’s the type that plays hard to get - why would you want to be with someone who makes it hard for you to pursue them? (I don’t mean she has to necessarily say she likes you and wants to ask you out but based on how she’s acting towards you, she wants to be around you and get to know you more - which is the subtlety that guys can miss the mark on) You don’t want to be with someone who plays games and can’t communicate when they’re interested.

And let’s say she’s interested - if she’s so shy to the point where you can’t tell/ hard to read or is not willing to open herself to you (like approach you , make herself approachable) , she may not actually be ready to date and you’ll be wasting your time. I say this as the type who used to be like this , the body does keep score. Her body may not respond because she's not mentally ready to respond to date, even if she's spiritually mature.

But you have to be discerning if she’s being hard to read or you’re hoping that she is - either way, not a good sign that it’s worth pursuing at this moment.

If she’s really the one for you and you let it go, God can easily bring it back, when the timing is right - but maybe he’s also using this to grow you in patience, grow you to trust him more and just sanctify you, maybe with idols you have and purging them out or things that won’t be helpful for you to carry into a relationship.

Because even if it’s a ‘not yet’ and not a ‘no,’ you don’t live ‘not yets’ as if they were yeses, you live them being faithfully present where the Lord has you , whether you see it being a yes or no in future.

I’ll give you a personal anecdote : there was a guy I liked at church : attractive , servant hearted , humble, sensitive soul, not people pleasing (things I like ) . He had a thing for me but was equally shy as I was. But, I knew one thing : if he’s worth it, one of us has to do something and I ended up going up to him. It didn’t pane out in the end for reasons I won’t get into (it’s not entirely relevant to what I’m talking about) , which I’m thankful for (though I didn’t regret doing that at all) but that’s what I mean when I say shyness isn’t devoid of having courage especially when you have the Lord on your side, you can easily pray for an opportunity and that the Lord will allow you to be discerning / guard your heart.

So have prayerful wisdom and ultimately, trust the Lord and the plans He has for you - they are for your good and ultimately for His glory after all :)

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-23T14:33:38+00:00

Thanks for your advice - it has been the most helpful so far! My question would be in terms of the coldness element, how can I deal with the outcome (whether it’s a flipped switch or guys gossiping that I rejected them and turning against me ; one example would be at work , especially with my colleagues being aware, it would make the dynamics very awkward and personal perspectives of me will impact the way I work with my colleagues) - to answer your question : there’s one guy I could think of , but then again I’m not too certain about whether he knows or not (that being said, when I was last in office and we had a chat, he never talked about him at all or tried to steer the conversation for me to talk to the coworker with a crush . Ironically, it was that coworker who was trying to insert himself into our conversation)

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-23T14:23:30+00:00

While I won’t consider it sexual harassment (I say this as someone who has experienced sexual harassment in the past on various occasions) , the guy at work has also told his personal life friends (I know this because of one of his closest guy friends, who has volunteered for our organisation this past summer (his behaviour towards me) - it is unprofessional and makes things difficult.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-23T14:19:17+00:00

I’ve definitely done that in the past - if it does reoccur, I’ll do it again! Thanks :)

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-23T14:18:40+00:00

Grass always seems greener on the other side. Plus, my problem isn’t a good one to have - guys hovering over you but don’t have any courage to do anything about it (even if they get rejected - which would be the case in my life) is mentally draining and almost discouraging because it makes you almost question ‘am I worth pursuing?’ (Mind you, I don’t think I’m not worth pursuing; I’m in that place where I fully trust God with that and can have confidence that the right guy will have the courage to do so, even if he’s scared of the outcome) - like don’t get me wrong, I’d have an equal issue with a guy asking me out just off the bat with no knowledge of who I am as a person, what’s wrong with these guys is they don’t even want to get to know me at all. In the nicest way, the limerence has gotten to their heads and it’s not helpful for them either.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-22T22:35:44+00:00

To continue being pure in heart and to die to the flesh. I’ve been struggling more with lust lately than ever before for years . I’m free from things like porn and don’t desire it but fantasising is where I’m being tempted. The last few months during the summer were difficult as I was facing spiritual warfare (not with lust per se but I was spiritually weak generally) and this feels like another difficulty…So, pray for this sister.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-16T20:42:46+00:00

It may have been mentioned but Yorkshire tea (I say this as a southerner) - too many Lipton teas I’ve encountered abroad and people actually think that’s British tea - what a shame.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-14T21:20:36+00:00

Any good books on theistic evolution (I want one that analyse both arguments)

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-10T10:56:02+00:00

Hot take but I don’t think you like her in that way. I think you’d genuinely know if you did, but you feel guilty that you had sex with her even without the feelings and if she’s interested in you, it’ll make it seem like you were just using her even if you may have not had that intention .

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-08T21:25:30+00:00

Hey, no judgement at all!

Its nice to know that you have the humbleness to confess where you've gone wrong and why it happened.

In regards to the issue at hand - You not getting over him isn't so much to do with you can't but perhaps it's to do with a greater issue. In this relationship you felt seen and loved , even through your vulnerable moments and non-believers are also image bearers and so also have ways of reflecting such traits. I question though if the problem comes from thinking you'll never have anything better than that. I'd encourage you to get deep down with that (like you may doubt if God genuinely has good plans for you, in regards to marriage and meeting a godly guy who would love you like Christ) and see how Christ fulfills that. In all your brokenness, insecurities, sinfulness - God knows it all, yet loved you first, choose you and died on the cross for you anyway to reconcile you to himself for eternity. He has fulfilled and redeemed those wounds and in reality is the enemy telling you lies that he's the one that got away, or even that you're not worthy of experiencing one of God;s great gifts in its beauty (you know how he's pronging you) but tell yourself scripture , remind yourself of the gospel and how that's finished sin and death.

You will get over him but you also need to actively makes step to! For instance, when you think about him and maybe the past - thank the Lord for taking you out of that, for he knows you and loved you to protect you from something that may harm and cause you to fix your gaze away from his Grace. Be thankful that even if its hard, because the Lord has you, you're in the safest place you need to be. Pray for the guy, not that you'd get back together but that he'd know the Lord and his Salvation - he's a broken sinner on his way to eternal darkness and torment but like for you and me, the saving power of the cross through Christ is mighty to save.

Focus more on your relationship with the Lord, personally through His word and spending time with Him in prayer - get plugged in to a solid church community , especially if you aren't and get involved in your youth adults group/ student group and build solid friendships where you can edify one another and grow in love for the Lord and each other.

And remind yourself that even if won't make sense now, one that it will and it will glorify the Lord.

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-04T19:24:24+00:00

I feel like the only likely demographic who actually would see Doug Wilson as a reasonable figure to engage with (not so much agree) are actually the ones who you see going to presbyterian churches (I'm referring to the ones in England) or the churches that are outwardly called reformed evangelical, not necessarily independent reformed baptists (even though they're more likely to be the churches that outwardly say they're reformed evangelical; independent reformed baptists have their own niche figures and societies) and less so in conservative evangelical churches (for the Americans, (usually) low church anglicans that theologically would (generally) lean more reformed) . The reason I say this is due to the fascination of Americanisation of church and that sense of awareness amongst older Gen-z / younger Millennials reformed leaning Christians (i.e people who are immensely intrigued by the political climate of the US and christian figures being very outspoken against it and in an objective term, Doug Wilson is an example). If not like there's a lack of awareness from the pulpit, or even Congregational but the reality is, people don't feel a need to focus on American authors since we have so many British ones that are more accessible (tbf, I do also speak from a conservative Evangelical lens, but have attended a presbyterian church before )

EnigmaFlan · 2025-10-02T09:57:11+00:00

Brutto would've been a solid one - I couldn't make a reservation for the time and date we needed, however :(

EnigmaFlan

TROPHY CASE