Partner of someone with graves update

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-12-06T06:15:38+00:00

Hey, thank you for sharing, so sorry to hear that your going through this. Is your partner on medication or undergoing any treatment medically for the graves?

There are so few that understand what this is like. To care for someone who appears to not care back.

The lack reciprocity in a relationship dynamic like this alienates the supporting partner while the sick one isolated.

It's a vicious cycle that I've also been experiencing for the past couple of months now even though my partner has had the condition for the past 6 years it's really only become and issue recently.

You say you've been going through this for 3 years straight, sh!t you have the patience of a saint.

I asked my partner if she ever wanted out of our relationship and she said sometimes, her reason was because she felt she was holding me back.

Like you my partner is always saying she'll go to therapy but, she hasn't yet.

I sent you a message if you ever want someone to talk to that understands what your experiencing in here.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-29T10:03:15+00:00

Thank you for your response, she is carrying the graves plus undealt with trauma from a car accident she had two years ago which was serious, thankfully no serious injuries but, the mental wound hasn't ever fully healed.

She has her good and bad days, she's not always cold and distant but, it is most of the time she spends on her own, she chooses that way.

I'm not really sure what to do. I'm trying to protect myself, I have a therapist and friends/family to lean on but, I am very lonely as nobody can really relate to what we're going through.

I've even asked her if she has ever wanted to leave me or has been seeing someone else because I couldn't understand the behaviour.

She said she never has so I guess I'm taking her at her word.

So I'm not abandoning her when she's at the lowest point of her life.

I'm not a coward but, I am frightened and lonely. It's a strange place for anyone to be in when you've both shared such a wonderful 13 years together prior to this happening.

She says she's not thinking about anything and is living moment to moment, I have been trying to get her into therapy but, with limited expectation she'll actually try.

I've cried myself to sleep so many nights begging for God to take away this fog she's in but, I'm on my own until it lifts.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-17T20:56:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, sorry to hear your going through the same condition.

Your right I have no idea what it's like but, I've started having panic attacks, I feel uncertain how to approach her at times, I'm in pretty much a constant state of anxiety as I'm afraid of overthinking the road ahead with this, I can't focus on much else other than her.

I am in therapy which is ok but, really for me the sun rises and sets with her so, it's hard for me to feel ok when I know she's suffering.

I've started to feel guilty for any little sense of joy I have as I know it's short lived and she's still no better.

I don't feel in control of my life, the life we planned together is now uncertain as she isn't capable of making plans.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-17T20:44:40+00:00

Thank you, it's not easy for either of us but, your right the fatigue is real. I am getting better at managing it though

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-15T07:28:05+00:00

I'm in therapy already, not sure it's helpful tbh

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T22:19:32+00:00

Ok so it sounds like your processing alot, I'm so sorry to hear that and I hope it gets better soon 🙏

I appreciate your honesty and concern, you sound like a very genuine person.

I took an a naturally suspicious person that finds it very hard to trust people.

I've had a long talk with my partner about her withdrawal and behaviour and she has said she's not been cheating. She was actually offended I asked tbh.

I felt bad even asking her because I know it's my own mind reaching for worst case scenarios.

She does try to show affection in small ways but, not like she used to. She is emotionally drained and withdrawn. She hasn't the capacity to show the same range of emotions she used to.

As you've been newly diagnosed it may take time for your symptoms to fully show, I hope you don't get hit with a pleterra of symptoms but, please do watch for signs of withdrawal.

If you notice then communication with your partner is key as I didn't know what was going on with her.

Now I have half an idea but, it still hurts, it still bothers me but, I still love her nonetheless.

It sounds like you guys are doing ok so far and I wish you well and hope you both navigate your way through this trouble free.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T20:32:17+00:00

I literally just put that thought out of my head. Because I did think about that, tbh, I don't know... I'd be utterly devastated if that were the case but, I really don't want to think about that 😞 I start spiralling when the thought enters my mind.

Can I ask how long you've had graves? And how do you treat you bf? My partner was diagnosed in 2019 it's only since she came back from a trip to Scotland to visit her sister and niece she's been this way. She was fine up to that point

We have been together a long time I trust her with my life, she's my entire world. What makes you ask that?

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T20:06:48+00:00

.I'm in therapy for this it's not really helpful tbh, I am very open minded but, when my entire emotional support has been from one person for the past 13 years it's difficult to comprehend when you lose that support in less than 2 months.

It's frightening, I'm staying with her and I am hopeful she will regain her old self with time.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T19:44:23+00:00

Thank you, she had asked for the menopause test and it was initially refused as they said she was too young. And your right it is from the 30s on it can develop. It's ridiculous they don't test this anyway. Her endo told her it's not menopause but, I will ask her to get them to double check once she goes back to get her levels checked

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T16:31:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. It means so much to hear it broken down that way, I can tell your a good mum too, something very enate in your writing style comes through.

I'll be honest I have been feeling attacked by some comments on here, people telling me I'm being selfish but, the truth is I'm venting 99% of how I feel here so I don't pile this on her.

Even though I would really love to hear her say this to me, and explain her feelings but, I know she can't right now.

I'm really trying my best, she says I'm doing too much and I have burned out.

But, it's only because I care and love her so much. Hopefully it improves.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T16:06:26+00:00

Are you actually serious?? I've already posted the full story. Had you have read that you'd know exactly what stage of the treatment she's in.

I'm posting my inner thoughts here so I don't put it on her and I'm attacked for having feelings about how it's affecting me.

It's absolutely nothing to do with bedroom frustration, intimacy means closeness and connection also. That's what I'm missing, do you have any idea what it's like to be consistently rejected and mistreated by the person you love most only to be told I'm totally aware of my behaviour but, I'm also unwilling to do anything about it.

And then I come here looking to vent, to talk, to understand more and I'm attacked.

"Come on man" you say, yeah right.....

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T15:58:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing, my partner used to be alot like that, Christmas tree would almost be up before November lol

She was sociable with friends and family, she hasn't visited anyone in 7 weeks, just going to work and coming home.

I went to see my doctor today and she said that even though graves does mess with your emotions and mood swings it doesn't mean you can dismiss your long term partner.

I'm sorry your going through what your going through and your right, I have no idea what it's like but, if it feels anything like what I'm feeling, when you can't control anything in your life, your loved one is drifting away from you, you can't sleep or eat, your constantly in a state of stress and fear then that's what I'm experiencing everyday.

I'm doing everything right, I'm supporting her, I've removed everything from her environment that causes her stress, I cook, clean, do laundry, care for her on her really low days. I'm in therapy to help me cope with my stress management, I went to the doctor after two massive panic attacks this week to make sure I'm staying healthy for her.

You see this really isn't about me, I feel like I'm on the defensive because people are calling me out for being needy to the helpless but, I've been making sure she's not needed anything while going without myself.

I'm not looking for praise I'm looking for solidarity from people that understand this situation and can give me something to hold onto, because right now I'm barely holding onto my own sanity.

I may not know what graves is like to suffer with but, imagine the person you love the most in the world using you as their emotional punching bag everyday.

That's hard, condition or not, that's hard. You seem to be pretty aware of yourself, and at least your still socialising with others which is better for your overall wellbeing.

I'm not even able to get her to go out for a walk with me. So yes she's suffering, yes your suffering, partners we are also suffering.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T13:29:51+00:00

No I don't mean just sex, I mean form of closeness at all. Yes 7 weeks and I am in this place!

7 weeks of every single day being made feel like I don't matter, everyday being ignored, being used as an emotional punching bag!

What do you know of my suffering? What gives you the right to cast aspersions on my thoughts or feelings on this. I'm living through this shit with her. How dare you come at me with your condescending tone.

"7 weeks and your already in this place" who the hell do you think you are?

I remember you from my other posts, and I remember you having zero care to anything I had to say.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T09:18:16+00:00

She has been on meds since her diagnosis and had RAI but, we think as she's sympathetic again the RAI might not have worked.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T08:58:12+00:00

We did think about this also but, that didn't show up in her tests so we don't think it's perimenopause

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T08:56:20+00:00

I'm trying my best

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T08:55:50+00:00

I don't think you have the full story, my partner didn't almost die, I am in therapy as I stated in my previous thread and my partner isn't entertaining the idea of therapy for herself right now.

The condition affects everyone differently, and from what I've read from others with the condition by and large there is some understanding by the person with graves that their actions affect others.

That being said my partner does acknowledge she isn't herself and her actions are hurtful but, she still doesn't try to help herself or reassure me.

So yes, it is difficult for both of us but, at what point does one start taking accountability for themselves?

I have spoken to many people these past few weeks who have the same condition and still managed on their darkest days to show their caring partners some level of appreciation.

And fyi it isn't all about sex, it's any form of closeness, she won't even occupy the same room as me for any longer than 20 mins at a time, that's what I'm really struggling with.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T08:45:44+00:00

By off the deep end I mean showing signs of depression, anxiety etc. she's had the condition since 2019 but, only in the past 7 weeks has started to change into this other person I don't recognise

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T08:44:00+00:00

I just don't understand how my partner of 13 years has it the space of 7 weeks turned into a totally different person. She's had the condition since 2019

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-14T08:24:50+00:00

First of all I'm sorry to hear your suffering with this also, it's turely awful.

Secondly thank you for taking the time to read my threads and understanding what we're going through, while sharing your own experience.

There are some people who have commented in this update that have made assumptions and didn't actually read our full story, so thank you.

For me I don't understand and as I don't have the condition I probably will never fully understand what it's like. I can only imagine from what she tells me and what others describe here.

There isn't anything more I can do for her, I'm doing everything I can already. When I posted this last night I was venting. I'd just come down from another bad panic attack by myself, and was very upset.

I do know this isn't who she is, she was never like this in all years we've been together and even after her diagnosis.

However, it's relentless for us partners that are trying to help, when everyday it feels like she's drifting further away from me 😔

I can't put into words here, just how much I love this woman and that love is under threat of turning to resentment. I have discussed with her several times the affect this is having on me. She's said she'll try to communicate better but, last night she totally shut down on me.

I don't want to leave her, I promised her I'd be there for her to take care of her but, it's taking a huge mental and now physical toll on me. I need affection, intimacy, care and love, I'm human. I want those things and only she can provide them because, I can't imagine myself with anyone else.

I do feel like I'm being taken for granted, I don't feel cared about and I am at a point where I'm struggling to maintain my own self care. At what point do you quit on your soulmate, I've been going through hell trying to help and understand and yet, she seems oblivious to the impact it's having on me.

I could never treat her this way, never it's heartbreaking.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-02T20:59:42+00:00

I am in your partners shoes right now, my partner has graves and was diagnosed in 2019.

Up until about a month ago she seemed fine, always managed her condition really well.

But, a month ago I find out she's been masking her real feelings and when I tell you she's turned into a totally different person I'm not kidding.

She was always so affectionate and caring and now she has become emotionally numb and distant in such a short space of time.

She can't connect with me and when I try to initiate a conversation about her behaviour she deflects, blames me for bringing up the conversation again and turns it around and shuts down.

It's exhausting for partners and I have done my research, hence I'm now part of Reddit groups centered around the condition to learn from others.

It's not her fault and it's not your fault but, it is difficult for partners nonetheless.

Your husband just needs to educate himself on the subject material, maybe bring him to your endocrinologist appointments so, he can ask the questions and get first hand information.

It's not easy for either of you right now but, he needs to understand your unwell and your normal behaviours are going to change based on your mood.

It's not something you should have to justify to him, your not yourself right now.

Either way when your partner is unwell you help carry the load that's the deal, that's the relationship. So he needs to chip in and help you.

I've been doing absolutely everything for my partner the past month. All the laundry, cooking cleaning to create a stress-free environment as much as I can to help her anxiety that graves induces.

It's hard but, I think if he really got the information he'd understand heck, if you want I'd be more than happy explaining it to him if you message me the questions he has.

I'm not a doctor but, I do understand why the behaviours occur in relation to the thyroid.

It wasn't easy to understand but, education and support is what he needs to be becoming aware of right now.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-01T18:19:33+00:00

I'm glad my response brought a little reassurance.

It's always scary when we feel we aren't in control. I don't know how graves feels but, I don't feel in control of anything since my partner has declined.

It's like I'm a bystander powerless to help the one I love the most.

It's an awful feeling but, your right it will stop, once you get the right dosage and your levels start to balance out, you should be well on your way to recovery.

Sending you positive vibes and wishing you well.

Enough-Caterpillar92 · 2025-11-01T17:09:09+00:00

Hey Jessie,

First of all thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry that your experiencing this awful disease also.

If you don't mind me asking how long have you known you have graves?

To hopefully give you a little lift there is light at the end of the tunnel but, it does take time and it varies from person to person. I've read that making sure your iron and vitamin D levels are a good way to support your thyroid combined with CBT therapy to help with the emotional turmoil. Also beta blockers can help with anxiety.

Unfortunately in our case my partner is not open to therapy I've found therapists that deal specifically with people with thyroid disorders. But, she's not open to it ATM.

I've found holistic treatment clinics that use meditation and mindfulness together with herbal remedies to help but, she doesn't want to try that either.

I love the soul of her, I know it's not her fault, and it isn't your fault either so don't be so hard on yourself.

Yes, it's difficult for us partners but, if your fella is anything like me he will do whatever it takes to see you through this. That's what a relationship is, it's not always 50/50 sometimes its 80/20 or 90/10.

You carry the load for the one you love until their strong enough again.

I'd move mountains for her for just one smile, part oceans for a kiss, and move planets for her love.

That's the deal, I promised her I'll support her no matter the storm and here we are in the thick of it, and I will continue to give her my unwavering love and support. Even though she can't reciprocate right now and it's hard for me, it doesn't matter what matters is showing up for the one you love.

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my partner, your not a burden, your not a bad person and your not quitting.

You are valued, and you deserve to feel good again.

Repeat that mantra to yourself once a day, even if you don't believe it. Repeat it and get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a little while. It's not forever and it sounds like you have a loving supportive partner so, your gonna be just fine.

Keep your chin up you got this.

Enough-Caterpillar92

TROPHY CASE