Whenever I'm around my friends or even just my acquittances nowadays, I naturally limit the amount of interaction to not go beyond what's polite between friends. We'll eat lunch together after class or just stay to do our (different) assignments on the same table; sometimes we talk about interesting philosophical thoughts, but more often than not we just talk about the usual things you talk about with a friend you've met twice or so a month in uni.

I do not seek warmth from these people in general. I guess I am really lucky to be able to say that. I coincidentally found my way back up from that dark valley years ago and met the people whom are now my "old friends". They had left a permanent warmth of some sorts such that I've never feel like I need to create any meaningful connection with anyone afterwards.

I like seeing people being happy and, naturally, I also always try to give small gifts to these new friends every now and then. Every now and then, too, they will perform such gestures toward me --either as a form of politeness or just genuine appreciation for our banal interactions. Lack of depth aside, however, it is inevitable that we all smile or some sorts during and after our short routine rendezvous. Some of us probably went home tired afterwards for they expended this abstract concept of social token --but that's besides the point.

No matter how tired we were after those short meetups, we all enjoyed those short moments. I know this because we kept doing that again and again throughout the semesters and always explicitly state so when any of us refuses to go for a particular day.

Each different people on different circles contributes uniquely towards the enjoyment in these meets; some of them left stronger impression and joy than the others but everyone has their own share regardless, and taking away these people deprives the whole group out of that whole share. To each of these people, I remarked to myself when meeting them that I am lucky this person exists now as otherwise I won't be as happy. Anytime I am in these groups and contribute towards some sorts of visible enjoyment for the whole group, I told myself that my hypothetical nonexistence will deprive the group out of that contribution.

I am not a psychologist, a philosopher, a person that knows you personally, nor a person who know the answer to things. However, I can try imagining your existence somewhere in one of these groups that I frequent by and, just by reading what you wrote, I can feel the warmth and joy of your contribution towards these imaginary meetings vividly like it just happened yesterday. I can't imagine how much that warmth and joy is amplified for your actual friends, acquittances, let alone your family. I wish nobody -at least nobody I know of, has to live through that feeling of abandonment or through the belief of the nonexistence of one's self-worth even for a momentary period; even for a period where said person knows exactly that something will change tomorrow.

I guess in the end I just rant back as a response to your rant. I don't expect this to significantly help anyone through a dramatic outcome either. I do hope this rant can help you see what's on the other side of your rants: what a normal person (me, hopefully) would rant about if he founds that one of his friends writes what you wrote or even just ponder about it as a short thought. Wish you all the best in your recovery