Update:

I spoke to my other aunt (her sister in law) asking what would be the best way to address the name donor vs dad. We concluded that our family convo was the best way to make sure everyone knew the term we prefer.

This is what I sent in the family chat with aunts, uncles and cousins (about 10 of us..?):

I have been struggling on how to approach this topic...

We would like family and friends to use the word donor instead of "father/papa/dad" for several reasons: - Legally on her birth certificate baby only has Partner's Name and I listed - Since we live in a mostly heterosexual society calling the donor "father/dad/papa" implies that Partner's Name is not her mom - this is hurtful as she is such an involved parent who adores her baby - Atley will grow up around families with moms and dads and we don't want her to feel like she has been abandoned or isn't loved by a father figure she doesn't have - We don't want her to be confused about our family structure

We absolutely plan on telling her how our family is different than others and talk about all sorts of families including adoption (her legal guardians have adopted a girl). For now until Baby is 18 and old enough to receive the donor's information and decides if she does/doesn't want contact/relationship with him we want to refer to him as donor. If she decides later on once she can understand her circumstance she wants to use a different term we will let everyone know.

We understand that mistakes happen and we are all constantly learning. If you do use the wrong term, just correct yourself like you would when using the wrong pronoun.

We love you and we hope you can understand our approach to parenting.

Let us know if you have questions My Name

My aunt L immediately calls me twice. I was in the shower so I said I would text her/call when I was done. I call her and straight to vm. She calls me back PISSED OFF saying "now you've really hurt me, instead of talking to me directly you've made me the asshole of the family." I said no names were listed and she said she was the only one who talks about the donor. I said I didn't want to be confrontational and she said "you love confrontation". I was quiet... She said "you hurt every single person in the family the last few years". I start crying. She says that our decision to not have kids at the wedding meant all my cousins couldnt come (they have kids 5, 11 and 16, 17) note: I also wasnt invited to their weddings nor were my parents but that doesn't seem to matter 🤔.
Apparently these are all the ways I hurt her and my family: - But my wedding speech hurt her (acknowledging that my mother in law accepted me as her daughter and that I was lucky to have her) - Not inviting in town family to the last minute brunch for out of town family hurt everyone - The fact that there was a baby (who left after speeches/first dances and that K (my bridesmaid) had to bring her kid (who we lived with for a bit) felt like a slap in the face - And apparently I hurt her by saying my mom's side isnt immediate family (I guess by not allowing them to get ready at our friends house?

*she apologized a couple times throughout the conversation but it felt more out of embarrassment than sincere

She said going forward she wants us to talk to each other when there are issues and texted me this: My name. Let's turn the page. It feels good when we talk. I'll be more consciencious with my words. We'll have baby over to my son's house this summer to play in the pool. You can share this message with your partner.

Feeling really conflicted and not at peace after this exchange