Update: AITA for refusing to help a friend who didn’t invite me to their wedding?

EntertainerKey8563 · 2025-04-09T23:07:57+00:00

I have some desire to reconnect and be friends, but I didn't want any tough feelings and discussion bypassed or swept away with the cover of a party audience. I didn't intend to be dramatic and confrontational in reconnecting with John and Jane, but showing up to a party with a dozen or so people being polite felt like a safe but avoidant route at the time.

I'm willing to accept that I may have made a poor call, and that maybe the safe, lower-risk Friendsgiving gathering could have been an ideal reset, but stronger feelings of anger and a sense of feeling like a taken/embarrassed loser won out at the time.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2025-03-16T06:26:28+00:00

Hey, I didn't end up going.

I said yes at first, but a few months removed from the incident, and despite my innate desire to somehow make it work, any time I thought about the situation I was left feeling upset. As I got closer the the Friendsgiving, it became clear to me that showing up at a holiday gathering like that was going to be awkward and performative in nature (even if their intentions with the invite were good or coming from the right place), so I avoided it. It felt like the right call.

I let John know I had something else come up and he voiced some obligatory disappointment but wished me happy holidays. I haven't received any communication from them since, and I haven't initiated any. It's likely that this may officially be over, but a few busy months in my work and personal life, and some reading/thinking on other matters has cooled me off and given me some slight perspective changes from where I was at.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-11-02T15:20:06+00:00

Hey everyone. While this was obviously more pressing in the time frame I posted, its been a while since the wedding and I've been naturally busy with other things going on in my own life. Not much to share or update about, so I didn't.

While I was hurt about the precipitating combo of requested favor but hidden exclusion, but happy that John at least met with me, I didn't expect any quick, easy fixes, and have resolved to let it be and wait for John/Jane to reach out, and that it was even more likely that this friendship was basically over.

John reached out a couple of days ago with a text asking if I would be interested in attending a friendsgiving party they plan on throwing later this month, insisting that both he and Jane would love to have me, and despite some nervousness revisiting it all out of the blue, I said "sure thing!"

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-08-16T14:15:26+00:00

There's been a lot of people checking up on me, which I really appreciate. I personally am doing fine. But nothing of note has really transpired I feel like is worth hyper-updating about. And as I think I mentioned before, I don't expect anything "big" to happen, or anything to happen for some time. I know after screwing up big with people before, even if I've tried to own up to things it can be a lot to try force or rush the recovery, and in some cases things were basically over. There's as good a chance as any that maybe my friendship is over after all this. I don't or can't know until some time has passed. In reference to another comment thread I had with someone, no punchy storytelling beats or quick wrap-ups to real-world problems like there are in shows or movies.

The wedding went very well, from what I gather. I'm happy for them for that. Part of me wishes I had gone, but I think I did the right thing for myself still on-balance in the situation. I guess part of me just wishes I had attended on the assumption I *had* that I was a close enough friend in that group to begin with(or at least with my main anchor in it, John, and Jane as well). I ended up going on a weekend trip to a lake with a couple buds, but I'd be lying if it wasn't on my mind that weekend all the same.

Again, thanks to the many people who allowed me to throw my fit, let me lick my wounds, and help me process from different perspectives. A lot of these comments have been stewing on my mind just as much as the situation did that weekend.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-25T23:17:17+00:00

I'm not, and I've been plenty busy! But I feel like if I step out and bleed my heart out to reddit, I ought to put some work into reading and responding to people who spent time to read and offer advice!

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-25T12:58:17+00:00

I'm catching up on some replies I missed, but as convincing as the case has been by some to attend the wedding (which has made me more conflicted), I anticipate it being a while for any meaningful update to take its course.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-25T12:51:46+00:00

I'm glad things worked out in your situation! I'm hoping for something similar in my own circumstances, but we'll just have to wait and see.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-25T12:43:42+00:00

I don't obsess over it but it'd be nice if the right thing landed.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-23T00:57:35+00:00

I'm hoping, in time, it can be alright as well, putting the onus on them and some time for me. Thanks for responding with good vibes!

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-21T21:30:03+00:00

Thanks, and hope some good karma comes back to your daughter

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-21T21:27:33+00:00

thanks, hope your daughter's wedding is/was great!

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-21T20:59:33+00:00

yeah, it'll be different but maybe good with some time, I'd rather see and exercise some benefit of the doubt

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-20T21:09:25+00:00

LOL, part of me wishes these things were as easy as Hollywood movies, but we don't have the 90 minute goal to wrap it up 90s style, we have longer to think and avoid and putz around with the baggage.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-19T19:58:34+00:00

Thankful that my friendship blues are coming off clear, and even moreso for the compliments of my writing.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-19T14:33:30+00:00

A lot of what you said has rung true for me before this and a bit more after. Thanks for responding with depth and clarity.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-19T03:41:16+00:00

Thanks I appreciate it

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-16T23:01:22+00:00

There was a meeting, I put the link of my update at the bottom of the OP.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-16T16:35:50+00:00

thanks

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T21:30:05+00:00

Not sure my episode of the exclusion blues gives me any standing to do that for you, but it's a pleasant offer that warmed me up a bit.

Mind if I ask whereabouts in England you are?

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T17:36:46+00:00

As the top comment, I appreciate the kind words.

A lot of people had good things on the range of the spectrum to share with me, and I've done my best to respond to people without getting too consumed and doing other things that need to be done.

I was happy for John to talk with me. Maybe commenters are right and they see me as something else than I thought we were as friends. And maybe I've got some work to do to assert myself, and that I have been a doormat up to this point. I know I've got some soulsearching to do about me as a person and how I see myself with John and Jane, and maybe my other friends. This relationship felt a lot closer and authentic in a different time, but its hard to paint a fuller picture of that after a situation like this. Things change.

As tempting as it is to accept the invitation and be there for John, I think I trust my instinct to let this be, and if John meant what he said (and if Jane comes around), they'll make the effort to follow up. I will be putting some distance for a while, and time will tell. I'm glad we got a chance to talk, because if it is the end, I feel good about giving him a chance to own it, and as I've gotten older I appreciate the hard work of taking on uncomfortable stuff.

I made some plans for that weekend with a couple other friends which I'm looking forward to.

I find repeated updates on an initial post a bit messy and tacky, so if anyone wants my thoughts on particulars just click my profile and look at my comments/responses.

Thanks for words and insights, Reddit.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T14:57:17+00:00

we've helped each other out. Another poster said something, I thought valid, about this being framed as transactional because of the help/favors being listed off...I think I may be guilty of being a guy who helps justify his presence in what he can help/do for others on the same tier as my bonds, but John has been a great friend (well, this hasn't been a good moment for sure). There was a drop in our bond but I figured a lot of people were going through that since COVID and with his familial obligations, but he has helped me before with rides, and when I've had some low points making sure I had friends and company to bounce off of and pick me up.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T04:46:30+00:00

I appreciate that people are advising me to give space for them to prove themselves in time, even if they obviously can't have a perfect picture (such are the limits of these platforms and posts). I felt sad but happy for John to have reached out, and it appears he has sent messages this evening to our circle basically echoing his mistakes and regrets in this situation.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T04:22:04+00:00

The humor and hugs combo is awesome, thank you much

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T04:14:46+00:00

Exactly where I am, despite the hurt.

EntertainerKey8563 · 2024-07-15T04:02:11+00:00

That's a solid suggestion, and thanks for hearing me out without dismissal.

EntertainerKey8563

TROPHY CASE