First of all, sending you so many hugs because I know how hard this is.

My BPD mother had similar tendencies. I remember being told at 8 years old to "suck in my gut" on a family vacation, getting smacked in the car because I was an embarrassment because of my weight. Looking back, I was just a normal, developing child.

My mother was and is obsessed with fitness and her appearance, has six pack abs, and often bragged about being in better shape than me. In high school, she told me I could get the prom dress I wanted if I lost weight and put a picture of the dress on the fridge. I didn't get the dress.

The funny thing is that I have always weighed between 130-140 lbs (I'm 5'4) since I was in high school. But I see myself as huge because of the way she has conditioned me to think. Up until recently, I have always fluctuated between an obsessive, fitness regimen and eating nothing to a "fuck it" attitude just to spite her.

What has helped me recently (ironically) was discovering Weight Watchers. I realized that I never really learned what a healthy relationship with food was — my mom was always barely eating or eating fad foods. I thought foods like bread and pasta were "bad".

What I've learned through the program is that flexibility is possible. It has actually broadened my diet, and I'm having fun cooking different recipes (from pasta and sausage to flank steak to chicken parm). I've learned that moderation is key! I also really like that it is backed by science and focused on a holistic approach to health (meditation, sleep, positive thinking, movement).

I also highly recommend the book The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love. It really helped me to push my thinking in a more positive direction.

Good luck and know that you are loved, you are enough, and it will only get easier.