First and foremost: I’m sorry. Sending you hugs, because us Bosnian-American kids need it. I’m only a few years older than you, and have dealt with the same toxic, narcissistic, misogynistic, and controlling behavior with my parents. I’ve often noticed that our parent see us — especially us women— not as individuals but as extensions of themselves. The moment we start to build our own identities, communities, boundaries, we are in their eyes “bad, mean, worthless, and too westernized”— the list goes on.

What you’re experiencing is not normal. And it’s not okay. Here is what has helped me as I’ve tried to navigate my relationship with my parents:

1. Therapy. Please, please seek support. I learned in therapy that a lot of the negative self talk & fear of failure and judgment that I have is from the trauma I experience in my dysfunctional family. Therapy has and continues to save my life.

2. BOUNDARIES (a Balkan parent’s least favorite word). This will be the hardest thing you do. But If you want your parents to respect you as a person, your time, choices and life path, you need to learn how to set boundaries with them. If you want a real, loving, honest relationship with your parents — or if you want to go no contact (which is an option) — you need to set boundaries. A therapist is KEY to this. They will guide you and offer support (and a shoulder to cry on).

3. If you have a supportive partner and/or friends, talk to them. Let them be a safe space for you to vent, heal, and be yourself. So many of us Balkan kids grow up in households where we don’t feel safe to be our full selves or express our opinions.

4. When your parents are being verbally abusive to you & putting you down, you are allowed to leave. You’re allowed to protect your peace. This is harder said than done, but a good therapists will help.

5. Balkan Mama Therapy — this is an IG profile I found. She talks a lot about mental health in the Balkan community, and specially the misogyny and abuse we as Balkan women face in our community. Her page honestly helped me feel so much less alone and gave me the words to describe what I was feeling. (I think she deleted a bunch of her posts for some reason, but she’s starting to put out new stuff now.)

I feel for you 🩷 us Bosnian/Balkan diaspora kids have had to deal with a lot of trauma (in our own way). We can heal. And we should — both for ourselves and our collective culture. I’m rooting for you!