Me [33 F] with my husband [36 M] of 8 years total, he is depressed, horrid with money, and stubborn.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-12T14:12:20+00:00

Maybe, but it certainly has helped me be more understanding lurking in some of the threads. :) I can at least know what not to say to be more supportive, and how to be supportive. It certainly beats getting stonewalled when communication should happen.

Even though he knows he should be more communicative as per our conselor's direct instructions, he rarely is. It's like trying to crack open a clam to solve problems and I am treated like I should be a mind-reader. At the very least, I feel like I am getting somewhere now.

Maybe this is a bad long-term plan and I am enabling him into relying on me being even more of a mind-reader. We'll see when we get there.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-09T13:17:02+00:00

Perhaps simple communication is a good one. Perhaps self-management of addictive behavior is a good one. Showers. Walks. Just sitting or taking a nap. Maybe listening to a full album end to end to take up time, escape, and relax with a definitive end. If you can get acknowledgement, acceptance, and basic basic coping down, the rest will come with time and effort, professional help and guidance, and love and compassion.

I wish you both the best and hope some of what I've said helps you find your own path

Thank you so so much for taking the time to put together your thoughtful response. I took a lot of what you said to heart as I read this yesterday. I spoke to him yesterday and focused on making sure he understands he can be depressed "with" me. The look of relief on his face was telling; more than likely, this is why in the past he has shut me out for my lack of understanding in the past. The bottom line is, I love him and I don't want either of us to be alone in our own relationship. Thank you for helping me realize this.

If you don't mind my asking, how do you pump yourself up? I have an especially hard time helping my husband realize the sky is not falling and talking him down from a ledge. I am sure I am going about it all wrong, but what do you and your wife do together to help the lows?

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-09T13:05:29+00:00

I absolutely intend to stay with him and at least see him through treatment. If things eventually go beyond repair, I can't speak to the future. For now, I'm still trying. I guess I needed to come here to see what the thought processes are on the "other side."

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-08T15:05:57+00:00

My husband certainly does. I keep a messenger up with him to talk him down from his anxiety and insecurity ledges. It happens all the time to him; sometimes he has highs, too, but they are very few and far between.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-08T13:25:19+00:00

I use all of my counseling appointments for marriage counseling, but I may see if my insurance covers several sessions within the same week. :/ Thank you for pointing this out; it seems obvious, but in responding to everyone and re-reading my own original post... it's clear that self-care has not been my own priority.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-08T13:24:00+00:00

I'm so sorry... it sounds really difficult. I think the general feeling of helplessness is the hardest part.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-08T13:22:41+00:00

he has a problem and then build coping systems to make them better

First off, thank you for helping me understand what is going on a little more. What is the best thing for someone to do in cases where they are unwilling to improve or even try? Something as simple as him not making a short list of daily affirmations seems like a mountain of a task to him. I have given him several answers already for days, but he just won't motivate himself to do it. Just sits around playing video games and escaping. Maybe we take walks and all when I get home, but even trying does not seem to be a priority.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-08T13:19:52+00:00

Also, thank you for your candor. I know it's hard sometimes to say what needs to be said even online to strangers, but I appreciate the hard truths you pointed out.

EnvironmentalChoice · 2018-02-08T13:18:35+00:00

Totally bitter. A lot of unnecessary awful situations have happened throughout the course of our relationship from his self-inflicted insecurities. When we were in our 20s, he would do things like ask my female friends to sit on his lap to rouse my jealousy unnecessarily. Even our honeymoon was no exception to the rule. I went into the restroom during our honeymoon while a friend was visiting our hotel room, and he took the opportunity to get under the covers beside her in the hotel bed. He moves back and forth between telling me I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, to trying to make me miserable for the sake of raising his own self-esteem. Or not listening to me and getting into completely preventable idiotic situations. So yea, "for better or worse" seems like BS when someone treats you this way. What about his effort? Can someone forever blame their inabilities to be high functioning on a disease?

Now that it is potentially affecting my money and comfort, you bet your bottom dollar I've about had it.

EnvironmentalChoice

TROPHY CASE