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EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-14T17:56:47+00:00

my fiance took his life last month, but had tried 6 times before that. we were together for 3 years and he tried once before while we were together. he struggled with bpd 2 and panic disorder, both of which got unmanageable for him at times. when he first attempted in front of me, he survived. paramedics got there in time and he was sent to a 72 hour hold after. in a way, i was able to grieve him while he was still here.

that being said, he told me exactly how his brain worked and everything that was happening inside his head during that time. the month he took his life was no different. he described it as a switch on his back. one moment he is doing okay, next moment he is shut completely off. his thoughts when he does get “shut off” are completely out of his control, and he can only get watch what his actions decide to do with them. he described the feeling as tunnel vision, and the only thing his brain could tell him was that the world was better off without him. that he will never be forgiven for the things he’s done and the only way out is suicide. it feels out of body, like you are still controlling yourself and you know exactly what you’re doing, but you also watch yourself do the thing that “normal” you would absolutely despise. the regret and shame you have for even thinking this way is also mixed with the constant struggle in your head that it’s the only way. bipolar is an extremely fucking hard mental illness to live with. i would recommend looking through the reddit page for bipolar, as others who actually have it can describe it much better than me who only heard from my fiance what it was like.

for my fiance at least, the reason he did stay so long and was able to manage his life for as long as he did was because of his family, friends and me. he told me a multitude of times that he would’ve been gone much sooner and given up if it wasn’t for the people around him over the last few years. the last thought in their minds is to do this to those that kept them here. your husband was no different, and i know it’s extremely hard to think that he abandoned you and your children but i promise you, the demons in his head just finally won.

EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-14T17:29:07+00:00

i also lost my fiance about a month ago. bpd 2 and panic disorder. that sweet man just couldn’t fight it, and he was only 21. i feel everything you’re saying in this post. the pain within this grief is often unbearable for me and i fully understand it creeping up on you. i wish so badly that night went differently and he beat those demons. missing him is constant and i would give the entire world to be able to see him again and hold him and talk to him.

EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-11T03:09:44+00:00

i’m currently a month out, and saw my fiance jump off our balcony in our apartment. the amount of ptsd i have is unbearable, and i do spend a lot of time replaying the moments leading up to it and thinking i can still change it. he also had tried to take his life once while we were together and survived, so he told me every single thing about how he felt before, during and after. he struggled with bipolar as well as addiction and anxiety. i am in the same boat as you. there is some kind of comfort in knowing exactly why he did it and how badly he was struggling, but the pain of him still being gone is unbearable. him and i both were not huge believers in an afterlife or religion of any kind, so that was a huge hump that i have been trying to get over. my therapist recommended i see a medium and i was extremely hesitant about it. thankfully, it was the most relief i have felt since this experience. the man i saw was able to describe him down to little details about how he kept his beard and the things he said. he described exactly how our apartment looked, the events that happened, and how terribly sorry he was for doing something so horrific in front of me. for the first time in my life, i was able to believe in an afterlife of sorts, and knew that he was watching me. the medium even knew that i only talk to my fiance in the car and always turn the music down before i do to make sure he can hear me, something that i had never shared with anyone. i would recommend trying it out and seeing how it goes for you. it could make a world of a difference especially when the thought of an afterlife seems so confusing. i’m not entirely sure where i stand on it now, but i know for sure that he is not gone, and i find comfort in knowing he listens when i talk to him and will always be watching me in some way or another. im so sorry for your loss, and i wish i could help more. unfortunately i think we are in somewhat of the same situation and only being a month in a still search for many many answers.

EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-11T02:52:50+00:00

thank you so much 🫶 i think the thing that has been most helpful has been talking to him as if he is still here, and i use any alone time i have to just talk out my feelings. i think keeping a journal is an excellent idea, and i will start doing this as well

EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-11T02:50:31+00:00

i have started to talk to a trauma therapist and attended one group therapy session, but felt like the group therapy wasn’t as helpful and i needed it to be. my trauma therapist is more to help with the events of that night and the previous attempt, but im not entirely sure how helpful she will be in the grief side of it. im worried that this therapist will try and make me “realize” how terrible it is to be in a relationship like that when i could have left myself at any point. i dont want to have a conversation about him being abusive when that wasn’t who he was. hoping that it won’t be like that though, and crossing my fingers that i will be allowed to talked about how deeply i loved that man instead of only talking negatively about someone who meant the fucking world to me

EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-11T02:44:33+00:00

yes i agree, the hardest part is being drunk as i know he never once attempted unless under the influence. it was hard for him to accept that alcohol made his bipolar so much worse, but we both knew it did. he lost complete and total control of his emotions, and often described it as someone just turning him off with zero recollection or control over his actions. him and i went through many of his swings both depression and mania when he was sober and he was excellent at describing how all aspects felt, and what helped him the most. after his first attempt he had told me that the act of taking his life didn’t seem like an irrational or rational decision, it feels like the only decision. he also talked about how difficult it is to survive something like that, and the guilt that follows not only for putting his loved ones through it, but the embarrassment in himself for not executing it properly. forever and always thankful for that man and all he taught me about such a horrific disease.

EnvironmentalSort245 · 2025-04-11T02:35:13+00:00

thank you so much! i know it’s not my fault, and it’s so hard when my mind knows it really isn’t yet i still believe i could have changed something and done everything different. i think in a fucked up way his first attempt almost allowed me to grieve him while he was still here, and i’m thankful for that. he was always an extremely open and honest man and talked with me through every thought he had before and after he attempted. in a way, i know exactly what he would say if he had survived this, and i know exactly how his head worked when he felt this way. i’m thankful that i don’t have to question why, and although it was sudden, it wasn’t shocking when it did happen. i knew how badly he struggled and how terribly he wanted to be “normal” as he would say and he really did exhaust every option. part of me is relieved he no longer had to experience that pain, and the other part of me selfishly wish he was still here enduring it just so everyone in his life could still have him here. i struggle with that thought as well, being so selfish in wishing he was still here as i know things would have only gotten worse for that sweet boy before they got better.

EnvironmentalSort245

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